i missed therapy again.... was sick post migraine but therapist calle dme. She's getting better at realizing that when I dont show up, she will find a message from me on the voice mail.. lo. She told me 'she's learning' lol.

I gave her an essay I did with holly about how abuse/trauma has affected who I am, my belief about myself, others etc ... and I asked her about it on the phone. I coukld tell she didnt want to talk much about it via phone understandably but she said it was veyr helpful to her and she got more info about the specifics about the stuff that has happened to me as she didnt know as Holly di dnot write down specifics really. I did not know this! I was actually surprsed by this information. Anyways, she said well implied that if I felt ready she would like to work more on that and also work on meaning making stuff.

i did some googling on Meaning making and trauma' ... lol... because while i understand what the concept is i dont really get it. I havent integrated much with my traumas with any meaning besides it sucks and im stuck.. lol. I dont know how one finds meaning in things that shouldnt happen. Just wondering what others think abnout that...

Im nervous as well.... i feel ready to talk but some part of me is still scared and i get that empty floor feeling inside. Today I felt like crying but couldnt. I hate feeling like bursting into tears but unable.. whats up with that? sigh...