Thanks AG!

I started reading this yesterday, and I'm definitely going to go back to it this weekend when I have more time. I personally have no memories of the sexual abuse and limited memories of the rest of my childhood, so I am very interested in this topic.

OW

Thank you AG for posting the link and sharing about your journey. What you have endured is horrific and I empathize with some of your pain. It is a gift to us all that you are strong enough to let God use what you have been through to help fellow travelers. I had no idea this path wold take me where it has or that it would be so hard or take so long. I am absolutely terrified of what I see on the path ahead of me. The fear is great right now but when the pain is greater, I will need to vent and am glad to have a safe place to share with other people who will understand what I am going through. I am amazed at the depth of my denial! I complain about my lack of "memories" because I cannot "see" what happened to me and yet I ignore the emotional memories spilling out like vomit all over the people and circumstances in my life. I know these implicit memories are trying to tell me about what they know yet I refuse to listen because I am ashamed of their mode of communication. I know that memories by themselves do not heal, nor alone can they be trusted. I want so badly to understand my past that I am afraid I will plug in a scenario to a place of pain just so I can make sense of how I am feeling and alleviate the agony. I see that I need to let myself sit in the pain and listen to it. I need to be willing to believe what I hear and find a way to be kind and comfort myself in it; all of which I doubt anyone ever did for me when the traumatic events first took place.

During my first body memory, I remember my T telling me the body does not lie. Horrified at that truth and ashamed at what it reveals, I have not allowed myself to revisit the topic for more than two years. I see that I have failed to give these type of memories the weight they deserve. I am angry at all this hesitation that has delayed my healing. I feel overwhelmed with the emotional pain and the demands of life (home, work, family, etc)that I wonder how I will be able to juggle both. I can't imagine myself living through it all but I need to imagine that scenario. I need all the resources I can get. Perhaps I need to let go of expecting so much of myself. I expect myself to know what happened, be in control of what happened, and be able to protect myself regardless of age or maturity. I guess I hate facing the fact that I failed on all counts. I resist facing the thought that I "let" myself trust someone when I knew that I should not. What a fool I am. I want to believe only what is true about my past even if it is no longer scrutinized by the legal system; a system that makes its residence in my head. I need to accept my limitations as a human being. I want to also believe that I have value in this world and that in spite of the past events or my poor choices, that I am loved. Those desires come with the fear that as soon as I let myself receive them, something will come and shatter the peace.

FYI: 4 years of weekly therapy....so far.