I've been in treatment for a few years now, and unfortunately, treatment has only made me worse. Before treatment, I was very depressed, but I wasn't suicidal. A few months ago, I made an attempt and ended up being hospitalized in a ward with psychotic patients. It was a nightmare.

The reason why I've been suicidal ever since I started therapy is because in many ways I feel like I've had to relieve everything. My therapist is the only adult who has ever shown me warmth or kindness. Unfortunately, I only get to see him once in 2 months. I have a fear of abandonment, so after every session I would feel abandoned. And I would be haunted by the pain of not having attention, connection, or warmth in between sessions. It is one thing to not have it all. I never had that before treatment. But it's another thing to have some adult give you a bit of attention for an hour, and then take it away, and disappear for 2 months. It killed me. At night, I would lie in bed hugging my bolster and screaming in my head because it was too lonely and too painful.

I have plenty of people in my life, but since the age of 10, I've never been able to connect to anyone. I can only connect to adults. Sadly, I've never had any adults in my life. That lack of connection can be incredibly painful. My therapist gave me that, but it only served to traumatize me further. So I tried to kill myself.

I survived, but I feel no better. There's no support, no warmth, nothing. I just needed some compassion and warmth from an adult.