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4 replies

TRIGGER - CSA, Sui****, Therapy

I incognitoMember
Tonight for the first time in over 2 years I left my T's office completely paid up and without an appt booked for next week. I've had such an exhausting summer with therapy. My vacations and T's vacations have been opposite to each other making it hard to have regular sessions. I've been struggling with CSA memories affecting sex with my husband, parenting, and suicidal thoughts. My T has been supportive. I've had 3 phone sessions during my vacations and even one phone session while he was on vacation. Even I who always assumes he is frustrated and annoyed by me has to admit that he must care in some way because he has gone above and beyond.

We've had 2 sessions since our vacations were over and I struggled to talk about my current sex life how it is contaminated by me. Last week my T didn't get it. It is really hard for me to talk about and so I probably didn't give him enough information to follow me but I'm still so upset that he didn't get it. I tried to call him the next day and he didn't call back (I don't remember what I said so I assume I just rambled on his voice mail and didn't ask for a call back). Tonight when I went in I talked about other things and eventually he asked if we could talk about what I thought he missed last week. I couldn't talk. After several minutes of silence I said I couldn't talk about it. He told me he felt the urge to talk about it himself but he wouldn't because he wouldn't know for sure what I was thinking about. He then tried to start another conversation parenting but I completely shut down. When he went to book next week (our usual times are holidays next week) I told him I wasn't ready to commit. It feels like I can't talk about what I really need to talk about and I can't not talk about it either. Quitting seems the only option but it makes me so sad.

I've gone way overlong but I have some questions. Does it ever get easier? I thought that after how kind and considerate my T has been this summer I would stop having the urge to cut and run. How did you develop the belief (or trust) in the process or your T that would allow you to keep talking? Does the talking really help specifically about something like CSA? While writing about the session I realized that I don't think talking is going to change the memories or guilt or blame and instead he'll just know how bad it is so why bother. I'm going to stop there because the more I write the sadder I get.
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smileysmileyMember
Hello incognito - Wow.....I could have written your post. We share alot of the same history and results of that history. I have not been in a great place lately but when I read your post I really needed to let you know I understand.

Talking about sex in general is not easy for me. I have such a hard time talking to my t about this - and I've known her for probably 10 years now. It is so weird to me that I can't talk to the one person who is probably the closestto me at this point. My t has also shared her very similar past with me and so I know that it does get better, as per her example, but that doesn't make it any easier.

The talking about the csa doesn't seem to help me either. It usually makes me feel worse to bring it up into the front of my brain. It seems like all of the things I buried for so long are right there happening again - even though I know it isn't. I personally don't see where the talking about it makes it better, but that's just me. As I said before, I know it gets better - I just haven't seen it yet.

I really hope that you start to feel better soon. I do know how hard it is - believe me. (())
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Incognito (and Smiley too) I’m sorry I don’t have the same issues as you guys so can’t come up with much helpful or like minded to share. It occurs to me though that as you are feeling like bolting and feel that talking about the CSA is not only incredibly difficult but that simply talking about it isn’t going to help at all - rather than pushing yourself to do it, maybe set it to one side and focus on other things for a while in therapy? Or even take a real break (temporary) to get some perspective, gather your strength, think about how therapy might be able to help...

I’ve kind of experienced something similar recently, but on a very small scale compared to you - where lots of negative stuff was coming into my awareness and along with it huge feelings of shame and other unidentifiable feelings - which made me feel like I’d rather do anything than have to talk about it - and was seriously doubting that therapy was ever going to help me with any of it. My guess is that the way it works is that you keep on talking and talking and talking about it, with an empathic and holding T, so that eventually it can all start to be dealt with and resolved, so that it ceases to be such an internal nightmare. But I’ve yet to do anything like that myself, so treat this just as an idea which might be worth thinking about.

Hope you both start feeling better and more in control very soon.

Hugs to you both

LL
S sheychenSadly
I often feel 'Why bother' and 'you don't hear me' and 'why continue?'. I think it is because the process for me is very FRAGILE, feelings of connection or empathy are easily broken and i feel so hurt and let down that I wonder what is the point.
Apparently that is common especially with CSA and so we are quite normal in one way.
the other thing is that I too can't SAY things about sex but I have written them down and emailed them, so she knows. I have not said much but I have cried about how bad the CSA was, but then I went on holiday for 2 weeks (real bad timing) and it was awful. Anwyway, hang on in there, and keep trying. It does get better, I keep meeting people for whom it is now a distant memory and they are very much together.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hi, Incognito...sorry things are so rough. I just wanted to say, that I am sure that if you stick with it, and keep on trying, gradually the talking will help and you will make some headway. I think from what I have read on here, that it takes a longer time with what you are dealing with, and that it is easy to get too overwhelmed and the need to slow down just by nature, makes the process slow and kind of painstaking. That is the sense I get. So, I guess I just wanted to chime in and encourage you , and anyone else with the same type of issues, to just keep chipping away, and chipping away, until bit by bit, you find, you are more and more free. It can happen for you. I am sure of it.

Peace,

BB

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