quote:

nor will i ever be that special someone ever in my life

I'm going to be really annoying and point out that just because you were never treated as a special person by your family, does NOT mean you are not, and never will be, special to anyone.

You ARE special to others, whether you know it or want to believe it or not. But most importantly, you can be special to YOURSELF. You can learn to love yourself. It isn't easy or even fun, but it is possible.

And yes I relate to these feelings, and I'm sure everyone else on here does as well. We ALL feel this way sometimes. More often then we'd like to admit. It's a daily battle, but it does get easier.

Just please remember that your past does not dictate your future.

Watch this. hugs.

quote:

i had been living my life to try and make someone believe that i was special in order to make me feel special

mlc, i am not quite sure i understand exactly how you mean this, but, for me, once i realized i had been living a 'lie', last fall, i crashed to the ground. it sounds like you have removed some blinders about an illusion in your life that really hurts. all i can say, is, truth is actually better, in the long run, than fiction. it hurts, to realize the pretence you maybe have felt about your life. the crash, you feel. but, they say the truth will set you free...i dunno, i am not 'free' yet. i feel far from it, but i DO feel that the place i was in a year ago is quite different than the place i am in today. it takes TIME and PATIENCE and FAITH (i believe) to know that YOU ARE SPECIAL, you are UNIQUE, you have a PURPOSE!! you are gifted, you are special to God, and HE has plans to prosper you, and i just pray for you to find the strength to get through this speed bump on your journey.

i read your quote again, and that is such a common note, that we look to others to make us feel special. i am no psychiatrist, but i've certainly seen a few!! but, when we were kids, we measured our worth on our parents eyes towards us, which, for most of us, was negative, so we keep looking outward for someone to reverse that. and sometimes we find it, and it helps, but when it crashes, and it so often does, we crash too. we have got to look at ourself for who we know ourself to be. good, innocent, abused but not deserving it....all that stuff...we have got to one day let our knowledge of our WORTH shine through. and for that to be something no one can take away. to forgive OURSELF for our humanity, and know the net total is a worthy person.

that is why i think mean spirited people may think they are winnning, but they are internally burning in a hell that cannot even begin to compare with the hell they will one day see. (read THAT t3) anyway, your goodness and purity will one day shine through all of this rubbish we have to go through to get there. and, i hear, it is worth it. i'll let you know if i get there any time soon!! hang on, the power is within, not without. i believe that.

keep posting, mlc, i know i share your thoughts, so know you are not alone in them. post, and take advantage of this board to buoy you up!! xxoo, jill

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies...they are making my hands shake w/feelings..i can barely type...sorry i'm in such a bad place right now...i hear you all and that it's rough and going to take some time...i trully want to thank you all...sorry...my hands are shaking...mlc

MLC,

I'm sorry you are in such a rough place right now. I agree with PG, you ARE special. It's not too late even if you didn't get these things when you deserved to have them in the past. ((((hugs))))

quote:

Originally posted by mlc:

can anyone out there relate to these feelings...

Yes. I can not only relate but I could have written your whole post myself.

It’s ironic that I’m doing all this hard work to have meaning, but this is the time that my life feels the most meaningless. I don’t know if I can give advice per se, on how to get though these times, when I am too in the mist of it.

I do try to remind myself that I am feeling this way by choice- because I chose to rid myself of all the meaningless friendships and meaningless sex and a meaningless life. Ridding myself of meaningless friendships was a quite a rude awakening because I have been left with no friends. Once I stopped partying and drinking, they didn’t care about me anymore. But the whole point of doing all of this is to create a new life of true meaning- the kind that doesn’t leave you lying in bed at night with a hole in your heart.

quote:

i guess my task now is to find some new meaning to my life

This is the part that I feel like will never come. My T is always promising me that it will, that I will find happiness and meaningful relationships. Most of the time I doubt it. But then little things happen, like going on my first date, which give me a little bit of hope that maybe he is right. Maybe I will have meaningful relationships someday and maybe I do have a place here. I guess it just takes time though. I’ve spent 19 years building the life that I have, so it must take awhile to build a new life the too.


Echo- thank you for posting the link to that video!!!! It was so beautiful and moving and inspiring.

I could've written your post too, MLC. I feel desperate for someone to think I'm important. I want to be cherished (but even my husband tells me he won't cherish me unless I do everything right.) I *think* my T likes me and cares about me, but to be on the safe side I made him a waiver (and he signed it) that he'd always care about me. Well, it feels childish telling you about that but having the waiver does help me. Another thing that sort of helps is to feel for myself and treat myself the same way I would treat someone else who was hurting. Because I'm really hard on myself most of the time. ~D.

Hello everyone, I am doing a bit better than when i posted earlier. I met w/my T today for an extra session(since i was doing so bad) and i learned that a)she feels that i am 'very dear' to her and b)my perfect idea of special is/has been serving to shield me from the pain from the past...i realized that no matter what anyone says or does(esp. my T) it will never make me feel special enough/good enough...the pain will be there and I need to grieve...big time... I also was able to tell my T that I feel rage at her for not being able to get rid of the pain...and she is still there by my side..understanding my feelings...i also told her that at the same time i love her, too....anyway, thanks again for all of your support through this big bump in the road....mlc

mlc, i am so happy for you to have a t that you can share that honesty with. that gives me hope that they ARE out there. to be understood and still accepted is something i have yet to find in therapy. my trust is seriously damaged, but it helps to hear stories like your last session. i hope this propells movement in the right direction for you!! jill

Thanks (((((PG))))) (((((Draggers))))) and (((((Jill))))) I am feeling much better and much calmer....mlc