Hi JD

I feel for you because DRs make you anxious yet you have some serious medical things to tend to. I can't really offer any suggesions on dealing with anxiety around this because I have the same anxiety but how I deal with it is I never go to doctors. Well rarely anyway. So I know that's not helpful.

Could reading a book help? LIke reading in the waiting room, and in between procedures etc? Or maybe some imagery? Maybe your T has some suggestions.

Hope you are okay. Keeping you in my thoughts.

learning2fly - a book, great idea! that will help. thanks for the suggestions. (btw, i like your name)

update - my t and i talked about this and why i get so triggered - and she had a good thing to write down to remember and remind myself

had to get more stitches after suddenly dropping a glass of water.

fell/trpped three times in past 24 hours.

hurting, bruised bad. at home resting and trying to be very careful

my primary care doc is very concerned and im starting to get scared that something really is wrong. tired, and feeling so trapped in a body that just isn't working right

how can this be happening? i need a break... not more difficult stuff to deal with

((((JD)))) I'm so sorry you are struggling this way, it sounds very painful and disorienting. Sending you gentle care and hoping your body system settles down and gives you a break.

Thinking of you,

Jones

(((JD)))

I'm sorry. That all sounds very scary. I hope the doctor can figure out something quickly and it can be taken care of easily.

(((hugs)))

i just got a message. they found lesions and nerve slowing. years ago. the docs who found it said it was nothing, i just need therapy. i wasn't having problems like this back then. my primary care doctor says um, in light of how you are doing now, we need to make sure the neurologist is very aware of this. so at least she is going to call and tell the neurologist of this stuff.

no more. crap. it's just been an onslaught of stuff lately. i really just am so maxed out.

my t said if the neurologist isn't a good one, then "we are one doctor closer to finding a neurologist who is a good fit"

"we." as much as things are rough with my t right now, i'm glad she said we. i'm glad she is with me in this.

otherwise, i'm just trying to not freak out and just focus on being as careful as i can (which is not really helping so much), resting as much as i, and trying to do everything to let my body heal. self care and i have not been friends, but i'm learning now and really want to heal.

(((((Jane)))))) I'm sorry you're in all this, but glad you have your good T being "together with" you in it, though.

thanks yaku and pf

my friends are all doing really active stuff this weekend. ugh. i so want to go and be with them and do things with them really bad. i feel so alone and lonely. i feel so stuck. i'm trying to think through what i might be able to push through and do, but also trying to remember the doc and my t both saying to rest and "play it safe" for right now. i.e. no biking, hiking, kayaking... i thought well, maybe i can meet up w/ one group of friends and suggest we go to the outdoor movie theater tonight. go curl up in blankets and chairs and watch together by the creek, under the stars... but the movie tonight isn't even one i want to see, but i'd do it just to be with them! argh. i have so much i need to deal with and being stuck like this and feeling so isolated is bringining me super down and making it harder to get stuff done - and it's already really hard. i'm fighting to hold tears back again. sorry to vent. just needed to get some of my stuff out.

pf, i think you are right about the meditation. i normally go to class twice a week where they do NIA (stands for neruo integrative action) - a form of dance combined w/ yoga and mindfullness. i don't do well with meditation sitting still, but in that class, it's like mediative - lots of breath and body work. i haven't been for the past 6 weeks, just because of life... and i think i need to go. i'm going to go tomorrow morning for sure and give it a try. if i only stand or sit in the back and just be present with me and my body, that would be worth it. i love the room the class is in. they keep the lights off, and use only the light that falls in through some big windows in the back - and they intentionally try to encourage people to not be worried about what they look like and try to take all the focus off that, but on to the internal feeling of the movemnts and steps and stuff. it's cool. eh, if i try it, i might fall and trip over nothing again, but at least i would fall on the squishy floor mats they put down and cover the room with.

just made myself smile. nia has just what i need - a padded room. hehe

jd

An outdoor movie like that sounds great. I hope next time they play something you want to see. They do something similar at a local campground we've gone to and it's fun. Like a drive-in, but much better. What about something like camping, but minus all the hiking and kayaking? Just some nice time with friends in the outdoors, making meals together, sitting around a fire, reading a book under a tree? I don't know if those things are enjoyable to you, but it sounds like heaven to me right now. I feel like I'm going on a mental camping trip right now and remembering all the things I love about it...the experiences I had with my grandma and cousins as a young kid and imagining sharing those things with my Boo. ((((Jane)))) I wish I could take you on a real one right now, one of those trips we've all fantasized about where we leave behind the broken stuff for a bit and rest enough to recharge for the hard work we're doing in therapy. You deserve that so much!!!

Yaku - thanks. I would so love to go camping... I'm looking forward to going to see the outdoor movie next week - they have a good one scheduled!


I did go read a book by the pool for a little bit today, and even got in the water. No laps, but just being in the water made me feel great! It always does.

But before going to the the pool, I tripped again over nothing - just my own feet in my apartment. I have a big old bump and a bruise the size of my hand on my leg, and another ugly bruise on my hand. Tonight, I'm using a bag of frozen blueberries, and a couple of bags of ice to try to help my body heal. I already have 4 other large bruises from tripping or being clumsy on that leg alone. It looks like I've been beat up - and visually, it is actually triggering of past trauma. I got some really bright colored ace wraps and bandages, and that makes it all look a lot less like how I looked after trauma, and I cover up a lot, but still, it helps.

I'm getting a little scared again. I'm eating really well, and getting as much sleep as I can too. I keep thinking my body and/or brain and/or emotional mind (whatever is driving all of this) will re-set itself and start working right. I see the nuerologist in just two days. I hope so much that they fully check everything out AND then tell me everything is fine. I hope I can show up to the appointment and stay present and be clear and not have to work hard to fight back tears but just stay composed.

All this work to be present in my own body and not SI, and now this... ?!

tired and sore,
jane

((((gentle hugs)))) for you. I am sorry you're tired and sore and I hope the appointment with the neurologist goes well. You really need and deserve a break!

terrible awful doctor. just awful. i lasted about 10 minutes before leaving. my primary care doctor even got mad at what she said and did.

i'm a magnet for docs to be awful.

my primary care doc sent me to the er, just 1/2 a block away from the neurologist to get checked out medically to make sure there i'm medically ok venough to hang in there while she tries to find me a new neurologist ASAP, and thankfully it is pretty slow here and the ER doc is really nice and understanding. running some tests. worried i'll miss my appointment w my t soon - i know she will understand but i really wanted to see her so bad today

i feel reaal hurt by what the neurologist said


i bring out the worst in doctors.

the er doc came back and said he talked to neurologist and primary care doc, they are getting me in for mri as soon as they can, probably tomorrow. abnormal neurological eval, concerned about MS, and frustrated neuro didn't evaluate, and will try to get me in to new neuro asap based on his concerns too...

if i even try to type what the neuro said, i'd probably melt into tears and i gotta hold it together until the last of the test results they ran in the er come back. good news: cat scan normal! doc was concerned about a brain bleed or tumor and none of that - which is very good news.

i so wish i could talk w my t right now.

trying to remember to breathe

I am sorry you are going through all of this. Glad your t is helping. I hope you get some good news soon.

TThanks Yaku and Stoppers


my T called me. It was a really good call. I told her what happened, and she was really kind about it. A lightblub came on for me about something she asked, and I learned something about myself that is really helpful to know, and she said she wants to talk about it more later. Then the tears came, I was just hurting. I told her ugh, what if I just cry all night? She said, "well, that would be understandable and ok, and no, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you and even if it feels out of control, it will stop" (she just accurate anticipated what I likely would be worried about or feel about hurting so bad) ... "but what can you also do to put this away until we talk again about it tomorrow?"

yeah, it's pretty "basic" thing to be talking about - just containment. I was really triggered in a huge way by this doctor today, and I was struggling with containment and not just spinning and numbing out, or getting overwhlemed with my hurt and even the deeper stuff it pulled up... and this is not new for me...

but something somewhat new happened. when she asked what I could do... I said, "to be present in this moment and save this for later... yeah, I know what I can do" and I did, and I actually felt confident that I could do it too. THAT is new for me to feel when facing such a huge and deep trigger.

My T didn't talk about it more, and we closed the call. After we hung up, I felt the pain and spent a couple of minutes just letting myself cry, then I got on to dinner - not in a distracting because this is just unbearable and I so want to run and escape this kind of way that I am prone to do - but just in a, ok, on to the next thing for now... and i was able to shift.

I can really struggle with self regulation in so many ways - and usually when I do, I then sturggle so hard to not numb out. But tonight, after huge triggers and then being heard ny my T and realizing something new about a core issue I have been working on with her... and such deep gried comming to surface... even in spite of that, somehow, I shifted... I was able to ground and contain myself in a way i never thought I would ever be able to do

I'm exahusted, hurting, drained, faced the second worse trigger in my life (and it was bad enough that even my primary care doc and the ER doc were mad about it) ... but tonight, it doesn't feel like it's running me over or I'm running from it - and I've been doing grounding and mindfullness stuff, and while it isn't easy, it's not ridiculously hard either.

Im not writting this to say oh look how good I am. I'm not good - I'm a mess! In so many ways...

I'm saying all of this to just kind of help me really hang on to this for myself. I get so discouraged by myself, by therapy, by my setbacks and how hard things can be... and they will likely be like that again - gosh, even tomorrow morning... but don't want to forget this, and I want to just hang on to this - is is possible for me to experience it all and walk throuhg it all in a different better way and not have it be this constant knock down drag out rough fight with myself...

all this work therapy is good and is changing me - i know that it is true intellectually, but to experience it paying off, and helping more than just endure and survive - oh i so needed this. I really needed to experince this, and i want to not forget...

sorry to ramble on so much...

jane

Dear JD,

I'm so sorry you are facing something so scary, and an awful doctor to boot - you just don't need that and I wish I could MAKE everyone around you just take extra care at the moment.

But I'm hugely impressed that through all this you are making such huge strides with containment and self-care. This is really beautiful to watch. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us.

I'm thinking of you and really hope you get just good, easy news from the docs from now on.

((((((JD)))))))

Jones