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8 replies

Triggered, unsure what I need from T.

catalystcatalystMember
Today my T called to check in and I had a panic attack right after.

My session with my somatic T was okay... but I was anxious there too.

I must have gotten too close somewhere I think? I can't understand where it is coming from. I feel like my last few sessions have been banal... nothing much.There was something in the air last night, a feeling of fall that triggered me deeply... usually I love the crisp change and taste of new season air...

There is this unshakable cloud of anxiety and I don't know how to address it with my T. I feel like I'm in a cage in the ocean with sharks all around... I'm safe, but also scared, sad, confused...

I don't know what to say to my T, I don't know if she can ground me if I ask her to call again. I don't want to become more anxious.

I have this sinking fear of being left, I know I can survive just fine. I had trauma to talk about today but not the words, and I couldn't let my body process it.

don't know how to use my T to help? I don't know what she could say... I know she's there, loves me, cares, is not going anywhere, she feels anchoring and I feel anchored but not...

The past couple of nights I've been dreaming about almost everyone close to me dying in some manner.

My parents used to tell me they might die, or other people might die... I spend many nights awake, or when my Mom would pass out... watching them... watching them breathe, or hopefully move... knowing everything I'd need to do if I had to do anything. Sort of like when one of my pets is sick, or a partner... I fuss.

That's coming up right now. I'm not worried about my Ts... but I'm worried about something... any thoughts?
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T turtleMember
Cat I gotta run out the door in a minute but I wanted to say that maybe what happened with your T last week sort of threw you off even though you know she loves and cares for you. I mean your parents were unpredictable. You didn't know if they were going to be able to wake up to care for themselves etc. Even though what your T did turned out okay I can guarantee you that it set off an emotional flashback or recall for you. It had to have done that. She may be trying to help you process that. I mean I have no idea but this is my big guess. You may be experiencing your feelings as a little kid that there was no adult to rely on. But this time you do have a caring adult there so it is sort of confusing???
catalystcatalystMember
((turtle))

Yes, I think you are exactly right... it's just that confusion coming up. It's so new (yet so... not a new problem) in the way it's coming up that I get scared and then confused and then panic... THEN I realize what it is.

I keep sort of bumping in and out of just feelings that make no sense to me while I'm in them. Right now I'm in a total meltdown.. sigh.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
(((Cat))) been dealing with kind of anxiousness myself. I know that I am in the midst of trying to integrate a long disavowed part of myself and when I do that, when I draw the split off part back, it comes with all the confusing, overwhelming feelings I pushed away in the first place. Would these feelings make more sense if you either didn't try to connect them to now, but placed them in the context of the past OR just accepted that you feel this way without needing to know why? (Much much easier to say than do and fwiw, I'm talking to myself too). I hope you can settle the anxiousness soon. But keeping talking to your T. It never, ever feels like it, but moving towards connection is the key. Hug two

AG
catalystcatalystMember
(((AG))) Sorry you are anxious right now too. I have to go the accept it without knowing why route because I'm just not sure.

My poor T I called her again because I HAD to say something and she called me right back. Which sucks because I was already waiting for her to call back and was unsure if her phone even got my message because her vm has legit problems right now. Anyway I feel like a jerk when... I could wait just my vent couldn't, and I leave messages for that.

When she called I was out on a walk to get dinner. I cried, it sucked. After about 3-5 mins I felt better, but feel like I took up a ton of her time today. I feel like I'm wearing out my T. She gets her boundaries... I know. Anyhow... Probably just relational flashbacks (emotional kind) creeping on my life.
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
((Cat))

quote:
There was something in the air last night, a feeling of fall that triggered me deeply


I have this feeling each year. It seems the moment summer ceases I have a visceral feeling of sadness. It seems to make things in therapy more difficult to process for some reason. Hang in there, we are here for you through the ups and downs. It seems this process is messy and confusing at times and difficult to articulate exactly what is even happening. I hope you will have patience and compassion for yourself during the anxiety and it eases up soon
Hug two

AH
catalystcatalystMember
Thank you ((AH)) and ((yaku))

AH - Sorry you are triggered by the changing season. Patience and compassion aren't at a surplus right now, but I have at least a lack of self-hatered..

Yaku - It does suck! I'm glad I got in touch with my T too... sorta... if I talk about it I freak out. If I just don't think about it all is good. Cool

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