DF - Thanks. I really appreciate your encouragement as someone who has been there. Oh, H didn't do it without my permission if it sounded that way. He was setting an appointment for my daughter and asked if I would like him to set mine as well (because I have been talking about it), since it has taken us 10-30 minutes on hold to get through lately. So, I did decide to have the appointment, but I guess since I had to make a decision on the spot, it was maybe sooner than I would have on my own. But, he didn't tell me I was going or anything.

I don't really want to see a new doctor, because I had a really bad experience with the OBGYN for my pregnancy/delivery and I'm scared to get another bad one. I'm not worried about telling her about H's condition...more just telling her that I'm scared at all and maybe why. I've had like 5 gyn exams from her, so it would be weird to just say I'm nervous without telling her anything at all.

Thanks, BG. I really am going to try to go through with it and just get it over with.

I'm still thinking regarding meds. As you can tell, I have a real needing approval/permission problem. So, even though H knows this and could be more sensitive...it really is my job to stand up for myself. If I can't manage to do that, I guess I feel like it's not his fault if his judgments/criticisms keep me from doing certain things. I'm the one who surrenders control of myself to others.

We can ride as pocket riders with your for the appointment, if that would help. I can hold your hand from inside your pocket

I hate these things. I have a little note that I downloaded from Pandora's Aquarium, which explains about having suffered from sexual assault and so needing sensitive awareness etc.from doctors and nurses. I carry them in my handbag and hand them out occasionally, and it does the trick.

Medication: I am afraid I am just like you and have resisted taking anti depressants even though I am aware that they can really help and bring the chemicals in the body back into balance. I once about 15 months ago tried a seratonin re uptake inhibitor and it made me feel so much more steady immediately, but 12 days later I had to officiate at a close friends funeral and that day forgot to take them and then just gave up taking them, and still felt much better and have ever since, .... so don't ask me what THAT was about - maybe I am just luckily sensitive to what they contained and it improved my seratonin level immediately. Personally I now swim fast for about an hour each day and that gives me enough endorphins to lift the system.

good luck with your decision making on these topics.

I am about to leave for my appointment right now. Thoughts and prayers my way please. I've had nightmares about it for the last few days. I don't know why I'm so scared! I've done this type of appointment with this exact doctor before, multiple times. I'm scared I won't be able to warn her about what is going on with me, because I don't want her view of me to change. I'm scared I will chicken out on asking at least about the process of getting on meds if I need to in the future. I'm scared I will be too afraid to even get in the exam clothing. I don't want to freeze!

((((((yaku)))))
Thinking of you....
sea

***TRIGGERS Dr stuff, harm urges***

Dr is running 20 minutes late, so I am stuck alone in exam room in gown just waiting & I am seriously wanting to SI. I can literally feel my body poising to do it, moving through actions mentally. Only thing keeping me safe is connecting with T, friends, you guys and fear of Dr noticing...

yaku.....20 min!? I feel for you. You must be so uncomfortable. Please try to hang in there and be safe. You can do this. (((yaku)))
sea

I hope by now the appt is over and you are doing well. (((hugs)))

Thanks all, for your support. It ended up having to start 30 minutes late. Right away, I just forced myself to out the basics of the situation to my doctor. She was understanding and compassionate and seeing her attentive look of concern was painful to me for some reason. She checked with me throughout the pap and breast exam. It was still hard, but having her check in with me and keep me talking, and just knowing that she knew it was hard made it feel pretty safe. When she found out I was in therapy, she let me know that she was too and understood how hard it could be (that disclosure was relieving). She reassured me that she couldn't talk to H about anything we discussed (but I knew that). She touched my knee in a gentle/reassuring way while we were chatting (before the exam), which I'm surprised was actually comforting. She said nice things, like she was sorry, but I was also being very brave and she wouldn't have known anything was wrong if I hadn't told her, just from how the exam went. She asked me about whether I was on meds, so I didn't have to bring up that topic. She can prescribe me some basic ones if I feel I am needing them, so all I have to do is make an appointment with her if that's the case. She said I'd have to check with my insurance to see what sort of mental health stuff is covered if I wanted to see a P instead (it's not a case where she is supposed to do the referrals for that, just goes directly through the HMO).

As soon as I left, I realized I was exhausted, shaken and numb. I had to pick a prescription (related to not getting my cycle when I'm not on BCP), and almost started crying in the store (which is next door to my doctor's office, so luckily I didn't have to drive). I found myself almost purchasing a few unhealthy things when I was on the verge of tears, but I was able to talk myself out of it. I dissociated most of my drive home. I remember leaving the parking lot from the doctor/pharmacy...then being off the freeway and someone honked because another driver cut them off. The 10 minutes in between is completely blank. I don't even remember being lost in other thoughts. It is just not there... Even though I slept in this morning and haven't had to deal with Boo much (H has been really there for me), I feel like I could go back to sleep for hours right now.

I texted T, my pastor (just that I had to do something that would be "difficult for me"), pastor's wife, a female friend who has trauma that makes this stuff hard for her too and my H. I posted here. I had all these people backing me up with prayers and good thoughts. I was open with my doctor. I took care of myself and allowed myself to receive support in doing so. I survived, and better, I didn't resort to several urges to cope negatively. I have other stuff I'm supposed to do today (like shopping during H's session with T)...but maybe all that self-care and the courage it took make it through the appointment is all I can manage for today. Trying to be OK with being so "weak" if that's the case. It's OK to be weak sometimes, right? Even very weak...a lot of the time. Right? ((((hugs)))) Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Thanks, BG. Feel like I'm on the edge of tears all evening.