P.S. I realize that I have created a catch-22 for both myself and you, the reader. Damned if you respond. Damned if you don't.

Won't give any advice about it; just recognizing the situation.

RT,
My T once told me that human beings make sense of themselves by making stories, but when you're story is "I suck" you're in a lot of trouble. I carry many deep-seated beliefs about my own worthlessness, revulsion, and even evil. For a long time nothing good could get in, because I checked anything good against my story, which acted as a filter, and when it didn't fit I threw it out (it's a very effective filter). But anything bad that came along was ushered right on in, therefore strengthening my beliefs. It took a long time but I had to learn to get some space between me and my feelings and recognize that all the bad stuff wasn't true. To slow down my reactivity and think BEFORE reacting. But I also had the more difficult task of facing my own humanity and that I sometimes do stuff I am not proud of, but that doesn't define who I am or my worth.

When those feelings of rejection and judgement are strong, we have to learn to tolerate them and pay REALLY close attention to is really happening around us. There have been many times here on the forum where I have projected a terrible amount of ill-will and judgement where there was none. I have a harsh inner critic whose job is to try and keep me safe by attempting to be perfect. Doesn't work. I had to learn to tell it to shut the f--- up and sit down, then try to listen to what was really being said. And with some people who felt safer, I practiced asking them to see if my perceptions were true, and when they weren't I worked to accept what they were saying, despite my feelings.

I would urge you to check in with me if something I said triggered you or came across as condemning, as I truly empathize with how you are feeling and meant to help. Geronimo!

AG

quote:

I also had the more difficult task of facing my own humanity and that I sometimes do stuff I am not proud of, but that doesn't define who I am or my worth.

Very wise words AG.

Thanks for responding, AG. Nothing you said triggered me.

I hear what you're saying about checking stuff out with people. I know that my perception is often tainted. I think I just so expect to be rejected. Also, in my history, being ignored was also a huge rejection, so that's a lens through which I view a lot of the world. I suppose the truth, tho, is that many times I'm not really important enough to be ignored. People are involved in their own lives and their own stuff and I realize that I may not come up on their radar at all. That doesn't mean I'm being ignored. 'Cept too often I take it that way.

It's hard to correct these cognitive distortions that often have been with us for a long time. It takes constant vigilance.

One thing I do question about what you wrote is the comment that muff quoted. "I sometimes do stuff I am not proud of, but that doesn't define who I am." Doesn't it tho? Maybe it doesn't totally define us. But who are we if we're not our actions? I would say that Mudd, based on her actions, is a liar. And I'd say that you, based on your steps to intervene with her "attempt," are caring and resourceful.

Worthiness falls into an entire different category. In general, I think that everyone, just by being alive, is worthy. It's a birthright. I guess sometimes I feel that I just don't deserve it.

quote:

One thing I do question about what you wrote is the comment that muff quoted. "I sometimes do stuff I am not proud of, but that doesn't define who I am." Doesn't it tho? Maybe it doesn't totally define us. But who are we if we're not our actions? I would say that Mudd, based on her actions, is a liar. And I'd say that you, based on your steps to intervene with her "attempt," are caring and resourceful.

RT,
I understand the confusion. We are our actions but we are the sum total of ALL our actions. For a long time, I believed the only way to be acceptable and to retain relationships was to be perfect. But I am human, and therefore, not perfect. But it was too threatening to know about my human failings so they needed to be disavowed and blocked which meant two things. I was disconnected from who I was and I couldn’t change anything because I couldn’t allow awareness of the things I need to work on.

Thank you for characterizing me as caring and resourceful and in some places and times, I am. Its certainly something I strive for. But there are also times when I am neither. I have my blind spots, my own reactivity and triggers, I can be impatient, and grumpy and selfish or lose my temper. I can also be insightful, funny, open, friendly and articulate. Those things, and the actions that spring from them are all a part of who I am. So who I am, my worth as a person, my ability to be a good friend, or wife or employee is not completely defined by any one act. So (and this concept has taken me a VERY long time to understand and I am still learning to live it), I need to accept my own humanity, which is to accept all of me, even actions I am not particularly proud of. By accepting those parts of me, I am free to work on them. I am also free to not completely condemn myself on the basis of any one failure. So AG is AG, who in this instance was caring and resourceful.

In the end, we each of us need to live in such a way that we are happy overall with who we are, while also recognizing and embracing our humanity and striving to make better the stuff we don’t like. But we need to know that we are just fine at any given point, that acceptance and worth aren’t something out there in the nebulous future, but something we have right now.

I know there are people who do not like me (a few of them have posted on this forum ) and that’s ok. Not everyone will. The important thing is, am I ok with the person I am and am striving to be? The only way to be able to have any chance of seeing all of myself is by coming from a place that says I really am ok even if I don’t get it right all the time. Hope that helps.

AG

Thanks, AG, for your response. I think you noted some important distinctions. And I'm glad that you feel more connected with yourself.

quote:

In the end, we each of us need to live in such a way that we are happy overall with who we are, while also recognizing and embracing our humanity and striving to make better the stuff we don’t like. But we need to know that we are just fine at any given point, that acceptance and worth aren’t something out there in the nebulous future, but something we have right now.

Frankly, I'm having a really hard time embracing my "humanity" and believing that "acceptance" is something I have right now. xT used to always tell me to "assume acceptance." So hard. Seems that I "expect rejection." Not surprising that that's how I tend to feel. Ug.

-RT

Totally understand RT, I am very much a work in progress in this area, although I am grateful that in looking back, I can see growth in this area. Part of my ability to learn this has been my Ts steady modeling of his own self-acceptance and acceptance of me. Not easy stuff to learn and can take a long time.

I like you too Muff

and the way you put that. Now if I could just live it all the time...

(((Hollow))) I am really sorry you have had experiences with that kind of T. My T is none of those things and it was still horrifically hard to get here. You deserved better than that.

Thinking about this and the past few posts, I realize that I set myself up to be triggered. By expecting to be rejected, I DO feel rejected and then that felt rejection triggers me and it all spirals from there...

*nods to RT* In some ways it's like being re-traumatised and it builds and builds doesn't it? These patterns of ours can self-reinforce.

Believe it or not some of the biggest crazy that comes out with me is when I am faced with writing essays. I turn into a massive, triggered, snot-ridden crying mess over the thought of turning in a piece of work. You could put me in front of a room of people and tell me to wing a presentation and I would. One teeny, tiny essay has the power to have me virtually howling at the moon.

It got to the point where the anticipatory anxiety about the impending anxiety that I knew would surely hit me when I sat down to write would be as crippling, which led to avoidance of the issue and then an even worse experience when I had to force myself to do it all last minute. Ta, da! Instant reinforcing pattern. I have not got it licked yet, unfortunately - I just wanted to say I share some of the feelings you've described about it spiralling.

I did do the cycle of rejection thing too for a long time. I am kind of better at catching myself at that one these days but recognise that it is very hard to pull away from, especially as all the feelings and conclusions we draw about other people and our own unworthiness feel so much like truth.