I wanted to check in with all of you and I realize I have not been around much over the past weeks. I was facing the prospect of my T going away for 11 days (which is the longest separation I've experienced with him) and at the same time there were some topics on the OF that I found very triggering. The trigger topics were MY issue and I want to be clear that it's no one's fault (in case you are all trying to figure this out, I don't mean for anyone to do that) but it was something that stirred up a lot of stuff about oldT and I just had to work it out on my own with my T. And while he was gone I had to stay away from anything that could set off the fragile state I was in at the time.

I've also been dealing with lack of time and other issues. Background...I work full time in a job where I don't even have a lunch hour and have bosses that hover like helicopters. I have a special needs child to care for, I have a husband and house that also need my time and I go to school too. I've been trying to support my sister emotionally who is also dealing with a special needs child and a step son who is ill. I had to work on staying stable throughout my T's vacation and I didn't even realize how terrified I was of his leaving until the day before he left (in session) when I picked a fight with him and then cried the rest of the session. Then to make matters worse I keep losing my internet service due to weather related issues. This is especially stressful as I attend on line classes and have to turn in assignments all week.

Yesterday I was out at a seminar and did not have internet access. It should have been a nice day of learning and meeting new people. Instead, OldT walked into the morning seminar and I totally freaked out. It was torture sitting there knowing he was sitting there behind me for 90 minutes. AT break time I attempted to speak cordially with him and he basically held up his hand to keep me away and then ran up the stairs and out of the building, never to return. What I was left with was his wife who was also there and she stayed for the rest of the session. I tried to say hello to her and while she said hello she turned her back to me and was very cold and dismissive and angry. All of this prompted an emergency call to my T and I was calmed enough to attend the rest of the day's meetings but I was rattled.

Last night I stopped in here very late after doing a homework assignment and I ended up signing out pretty quickly because I was having intrusive thoughts of oldT and starting to feel like I was disintegrating again... having emotional flashbacks to the abandonment and rejection. I was rejected again yesterday and that was quite painful. I only wanted to be cordial and hoped we could have put the past in the past after our meeting in August. I was just being foolish again to believe that. Aside from this oldT's appearance, how he looked, really rattled me.

Today I saw my T and he was really wonderful. I was a mix of anger and despair and grief. I was cursing in there and I could see how shocked he was because even in my worst moments I have never used bad language. After that I just sat and cried and cried for awhile. I think I was holding it in until I could reach that place where I knew it would be safe to release the pain and grief. My T kept calling me to come back to him because I was so distraught.

He understood the little child was the one who was crying and hurt. He encouraged me to try to soothe her. We had an intenses session last week where it seemed we hit a new level of trust and I told him about a very intimate dream I had about him. He loved the dream and was proud of me for telling him about it. Then he said we are ready for the next step and I asked what that was and he said that he wants me to bring my inner kid with me to session because we need to integrate her. He knows that she carries all the pain and hurt but I told him she is locked in the closet.

So the other day I took a chance and allowed her to write him a letter which was done by using my non-dominant hand. It was an interesting exercise in that the words just started flowing. I had the letter with me today and when he brought up the inner kid who was hurting I told him she wrote him a letter. He asked if I had it and could he see it. He was so darn excited you would think I handed him diamonds.

So he read it and said... she is very young. Young children have problems and often write their letters backwards. Then he talked about what it said and encourged me to do more connecting with her. I told him I was afraid and didn't know how and he said he would help me. I told him what if she wants to sit on the floor with you and color?? He said, well then we will sit on the floor and color. Whatever it takes. That was hugely surprising for me to hear becuase I never thought he would agree with that.

Anyway, it was a really deep, intense, connecting session that seems to have put me back on my feet, in a stable way so that I can be more of a presence on the OF (I hope) and also that he is not going away again until spring.

He was so kind today that I actually felt his empathy (which is rare for me) and it left me with a good warm feeling to hold me till Monday.

I just wanted to update you all on where I have been and what has been going on. I needed to step back to take care of me and was so drained by all it took to survive his 11 day absence that I had no energy left for others. If any of you feel I have neglected you or been not welcoming to the newbies.... I do apologize.

Thanks for reading
TN