I've been thinking a lot lately about HOW MUCH my life has changed in the past few years- like a lot of us, there are MAJOR fundamental differences between what my life was like growing up and what it is like now... my t actually said something the other day about how much I have "outgrown" my family of origin, which I thought was a funny way to put it.

Well, as of late the differences and contradictions of how I grew up vs. how I am living now have been very evident and hard for me to wrap my brain around. And I'm talking good things- like wanting something, working for it, saving money and getting it. That NEVER happened in my family and I didn't really know it was possible for me. There are other things too... like owning a house and living in one place for more than a year and owning nice things and not having to automatically buy the cheapest thing just because it is the cheapest. Don't get me wrong here, this is a good problem to have and I am very, very grateful for the life I have. I just feel very VERY anxious about having nice things (got a NEW car the other day for the first time ever and wouldn't even drive it for the first week!) and struggle with feeling like I deserve them. I always feel like I am going to screw something up and ruin the stuff i have. I'm really used to going without and striving to make ends meet... and dealing with sometimes NOT making ends meet. when I was a kid, my mom used to send me out to the street when workers would come to cut off our water or power... made me tell them i was home alone and didn't want to be in the dark or whatever... had to tell them that I "knew" my parents would pay it soon... she even told me to cry if I needed too. All this while she watched through the blinds from inside...

Anyway, it's just weird to be stable and making progress. I feel like I'm living someone else's life and like I don't belong in my own shoes sometimes... I can't shake that looming feeling that everything is going to explode one day and I'll find out that I've been screwing up all along... ugh...

I'm really not trying to complain or anything... not at all... I'm glad things are going well and wouldn't trade this life my husband and I are making for ourselves... it's just weird because i didn't know this would be so difficult. Anyone else have trouble adjusting to these types of changes? Am I crazy for not being able to accept this stuff easier?

-CT