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5 replies

Trouble in Therapy

H hbshadowMember
I have tried to make therapy work for me for the last two decades (on and off). Even after years with a therapist, I just cannot be completely open and honest with them about what is going on with me - and it is so frustrating. I am so needy (and prone to transference too) and want therapy so much to help me - but I just cannot make it work.

Right now, I have a weekly T I see - and another online T (because I wanted help dealing with the weekly T - and additional support because seeing a T weekly just isn't enough for me - I tried 2x a week with an in-person T but that didn't help). It is easier to open up with the online T, but even then, I pull right back as soon as I start to get close.

I will have these moments with a T and I think - this is it - I REALLY TRUST THEM NOW - I CAN FINALLY TALK AND BE HONEST AND HAVE SOMEONE REALLY HELP AND SUPPORT ME - and I am so, so, so happy and hopeful - but I can't make it last. I can't maintain it. For some reason, the doubt always returns. I thought I had a breakthrough with the weekly T - but today in session, no - back to square 1 and I feel completely alone and that as hard as she tries, she just doesn't understand me (and I can't tell her more to make her understand me). And the online T - I feel like I can no longer talk to him either (transference issues, medication issues..etc. etc.)

I obsess about therapy and therapists non-stop which often leads me to just giving up on it - because I hate the obsessive thoughts. My attachment, abandonment, transference issues - it all gets out of control.

Thank you for letting me speak - therapy doesn't seem to matter or play as central a role in anyone else's life on other mental illness support forums...and I was very happy when I came across this forum. I thought maybe there was someone as caught up by therapy as me? Just maybe...and even if not, reading through all the postings on the forum is helpful... so many thanks for those.
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J Jo (Guest)
I have been trying to reply and this little responder box would not open up! Now I don't have as much time either.

Definitely not alone here HB. This is a great place to get support for such challenges.

I know what you mean about not being able to talk about the stuff that would actually allow you to get better.

if you have been hurt in your past from abuse or what have you it only makes sense that trust would be more than difficult.

Write back later.

Hi whereamI!!
catgirlcatgirlMember
quote:
I will have these moments with a T and I think - this is it - I REALLY TRUST THEM NOW - I CAN FINALLY TALK AND BE HONEST AND HAVE SOMEONE REALLY HELP AND SUPPORT ME - and I am so, so, so happy and hopeful - but I can't make it last. I can't maintain it. For some reason, the doubt always returns. I thought I had a breakthrough with the weekly T - but today in session, no - back to square 1


It's always the first time that's the hardest. Think about learning a new skill. The first time you try to make it to the goal, it takes FOREVER. There are many trials and errors; many stops and starts. You have to be persistent. Then, you make it! You tell yourself, I can do it again. So, you try again. This time, there are still a lot of trials and errors and stops and starts, but you make it again. The next time, there are fewer trials and errors and stops and starts. Soon, you can make it more consistently, but you still make mistakes. In fact, chances are that no matter what skill it is, no matter how hard you train, you'll never be perfect, because there is no such thing as perfect.

Once you've done it once, you'll never go back to square one again. You might not be at the goal anymore, but you're not all of the way back at square one. If you keep trying, and keep allowing yourself to make mistakes, and keep allowing yourself to make the goal(and this is important), then you'll keep moving closer to the goal and further from square one. It might happen slowly or it might happen rapidly. It might be slow for 5 months, then rapid for two weeks, then back to slow again. You're still moving.

Each time you experience trust, it makes it so that you can more easily experience it the next time, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. Each time you experience trust, it makes it so that the next time, you can maintain it for a slightly longer period of time. Each time you experience trust, you are that much closer to your goal.

Keep trying. You can do it.

Catgirl
whereamiwhereamiMember
quote:
obsess about therapy and therapists non-stop which often leads me to just giving up on it - because I hate the obsessive thoughts. My attachment, abandonment, transference issues - it all gets out of control



Hi, HBShadow. Don' give up! I know how hard it seems. You are not alone. I truly think my mind is going to explode with the obsessive thoughts about my T, therapy etc sometimes. Those thoughts, though, they are there because there is something that is working in therapy. It hurts, it is hard, but it sounds like you really do have a connection there.

Catgirl is so right. You have started to experience that trust. You have gotten past the biggest, hardest hurdle of not trusting at all. You don't have to go back to that place again. You have taken a huge step. By nature, at least speaking for myself, I am so protective, that that step --trusting scared the heck out of me, made me wonder what i was doing, and I definately also retreated. It took a lot of work with my T and I to know that the risk was worth it. It is ok to have to work through knowing that it is safe. . . that you took a risk that paid off and now you can take more.

Hang in there, and don't give up.

whereami.
H hbshadowMember
quote:
Originally posted by catgirl:

Each time you experience trust, it makes it so that you can more easily experience it the next time, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. Each time you experience trust, it makes it so that the next time, you can maintain it for a slightly longer period of time. Each time you experience trust, you are that much closer to your goal.


Wow - very wise words and good insight. I never would have thought about it like that. I will have to keep reminding myself of that. It is just so discouraging sometimes - I don't even trust her enough to take my coat off after a year and a half - I need it for protection - but in the summer it is so freakin! hot that I just melt into a puddle when I'm there. Thanks so very much for your responses.

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