I'm not sure if there is a correlation between level of trust and how much one knows about their T.

When I think about T1, I do know a lot about her personal life, but the trust came first. Honestly, I think she had to trust ME first in order to share all that she has.

With T2, I do know a few things about her mostly through my best friend who is good friends with T2s best friend, and I still don't trust her yet. I think that sort of thing comes with time and seeing how they treat you over that time...not with knowledge of their personal life.

However, I do think it can be difficult to open up and share personal details with someone you know very little about.

If there are things that you feel would be helpful to know about him in order to built trust, I recommend making a list of those things. Don't bring the list to him right away, but take some time to weed out things that you just want to know because of mere curiousity and try to limit it to things that will truly benefit you and your progress in therapy by knowing.

Hi Liese, and welcome back! Your question whether it would be easier to trust your T if you knew more about him, and his private life... Its a tricky, but good question. I am sure there`s meny forum members here having T`s that they trust, yet dont know anything about their T`s private life. I definitly belongs to those whom needed certaint (ok, alot) info and knowlidge about my T in order to trust him and fullhearthly enter the relation. Its very individual. I know meny would prefer to have "the blank slate T" as well, and would hate to know anything about their T`s private life. You can of course ask your T all the questions you want, maybe he will answer some of them as well, depends on how much self-dislclousure he does. For instans, my T is psyhotherapist, and would always approach my questions regard to his person, with an analyse and exploore my questions/fantasies/imaginings about him, as a part of the therapy. I really prefer this method, yet he can also be qite flexible and open and answer private questions, if there`s not alot of "loaded" material/reasons for my questions. But i assume i do know more about my T than most people, since i`ve read T`s self-biography and T knows my parents.

Its a good that your T are using the term "Our relationsip" since you right, it takes two people for having one, and after all its the relation thats the main focus in therapy. Yet, there`s an assymentery(?) in it as well, that you`re being aware of and thats the "tricky" part... Your description of how you "see" him and his face, differently during any given session depended on your emotional state, makes a lot of sense. I think thats partly the transeference on your part there, i might be wrong. Anyway, this was a bit sidetracking. I would encourrage you to keep asking and talking about this with your T, ask him this very question. I am sure trust can be built if your T is trustworthy! Those conversation can be very fruitful and itsef help building trust. Do you think you can talk to your T about this? When will you see you T again?
(ps: Thanks for the reply to my thread, i appreacciated it. As you figured i`am back in therapy again and wont use the count down thread anymore! SO thought i would thank you here instead!)

Hi guys,

Thanks for all the great replies. I'm actually starting to think that trust is as unique as each individual and each relationship. What I might need in order to trust might not be what you need.

LG, I found it interesting that you found out about T2's from a third party. That must feel kind of wierd, knowing things about her that you didn't learn firsthand. I like your suggestion about making a list.

BG, I think you are right that trust is a process and not a moment. My problem is even though I've been with T for a little over 3 years, I'm not sure what we've been talking about. For most of the three years, I went every other week. We've never touched on deep emotional issues. About a year into therapy, I brought up transference issues, which was very very risky for me, and he jumped all over me. I tried several more times and got the same reaction. It culminated several months later into him telling me we weren't going to grow old together and then went to Italy for 2 weeks. Trying to bring my fear of abandonment issues to the forefront? Just a mean ole bastard? He won't explain himself when I bring it up, except to say, you hired me to help you. It was just so risky for me to bring the stuff up though and it sent me into a shell, where I've been for the rest of the time with him. More recently over the summer, I told him I could stay in therapy for a very long time as I have four children and there will always be something to talk about. He replied that everyone has to leave therapy. You can come back but you have to leave. Most recently, I told him that my problems seem to go back a long time and it's going to take me a long time to get fixed. This time, he replied, there is no time frame and you can stay as long as you want. That is what therapy should be. Wow. That was music to my ears. I told him that I could actually envision leaving therapy now that he told me that I can stay as long as I want and work on my goals and get what I want out of it. So, I'm not really feeling the consistency from him. He's been really caring since my crisis in October. I told him he's been very caring for the last 3 months. He told me he's always caring. I brought up the examples above and his reply was that, in the prior instance he was speaking generally. But in the last instance, he was meeting my individual need.

So I'm definitely feeling more secure in the "relationship". But still having huge trouble opening up emotionally. I just wish his office was darker. It's so bright. I feel so exposed. I wish I had a blanket. I love that you bring a blanket, BG. Maybe I should do that. I wish his office had a fireplace. Sometimes I wish I could lie on the floor and close my eyes and talk without looking at him. And that he would close his eyes too. Maybe we don't have to lie on the floor. I could just ask him to close his eyes.

STRM, Thanks for saying I'm doing the work. I guess it's good to think about what I need to trust T because whatever it is I need to trust him is what I need out there in the real world. And, if I can figure that out, maybe I can make myself more secure out there. Out here. Maybe I can ask everyone to talk to me with their eyes closed. LOL!!It might help to know a little about what he struggles with. He makes everything look so easy. He's always so happy. He doesn't seem to get angry. He's organized. He has fun in life. Maybe if I knew he struggled some or overcame an obstacle, I would feel that he could relate to me more.

Frog, countdown, 16 hours and 30 minutes to my next appointment!! Sorry I missed your thread. I can't believe I read into your title like that. I guess it'll teach me a lesson!!! Yes, I think I can talk to T about these issues. We've been talking about them. Well, for a week now. He brought trust up last summer and I was a bit insulted because I thought I trusted him just about more than I've ever trusted anyone. Not sure I've ever trusted many people though. So, that might not be saying too much. But I guess there's still work to do.

DF, Glad to see you posting again. Hope you are feeling better. Don't feel bad that I'm still struggling with the trust issues. It's okay. It's a bit of an emotional and intellectual challenge to think about and feel all this stuff and it can only make me a better human being at the end of the day. What could be better than that? I agree with you about the worrying. My OldT told me a lot about her. I used to worry about her being alone. Wanted to take her home for Christmas. Felt really sorry for her. It definitely interfered with my ability to do good therapy. I want to take care of NewT too but since he won't disclose, I can't. VERY FRUSTRATING!!! But I know it's for my benefit.

Monte, Thank you for sharing your struggle with me. It's hard when something is gnawing at you and you just don't know what it is. Although it sounds as though you've figured it out. When my Old T told me that I had trust issues, of course I didn't ask her what she meant. I went home and googled it and found a great website that distinguished trust in self issues from trust in other issues. I diagnosed myself as having trust in self issues. I can't unfortunately find that great website now. But, even if I was able to find it, I'm not sure I could really work this stuff out on my own and need T to help me sort through it all. I hope that I can eventually open up to him as I think it'll make my life richer if I can access my emotions. But, for now, I remain a closed book with my T, at least. Much easier to spill all on the forum!!!

HUGS TO ALL and BIG THANKS,

Liese

Hey STRM,

His office just seems so bright. I go at 12 noon and he has two huge windows so I just assumed that it was natural sunlight. I'll have to look around tomorrow. Maybe we could close the blinds. Would that be wierd? Thanks for suggesting that I ask about this stuff. He doesn't have blankets. I wish I could fold one up and put it in my purse. Maybe I'll buy a really big purse so I can hide a blanket in there. I've thought about asking him to sit on the floor but thought he'd think it was wierd. Can you tell I don't break the rules much? Don't color out of the lines?

His office is kind of stark. It lacks a warmth that I've seen in other therapists offices. Why is that? Why doesn't he try to bring a warmth to his office? Is that why I don't trust him? He shares the suite with other therapists and as I pass by their offices, I peak in. Some of them have color and dim sconses on the walls. Much warmer. What isn't he putting the effort in to make his office more comfy? Why isn't he exuding that warmth?????? I am getting scared already thinking about tomorrows session. Would it be too obnoxious to ask why he hasn't painted his walls? My other T's office WAS warm but I ran ran ran from her. But she was scary so I had to run from her. Once, she wanted me to drink alcohol before a session so that I would talk to her. I guess I must be really really uptight. Maybe I'll ask him if he wants me to drink before I come to see him.

When I first went to him, his office was a bit cold, as in termperature wise. My appointments are on Mondays so he said the landlords turn the heat off on the weekends and it takes a while for the office to warm up on Mondays. Shortly thereafter, he brought a heater in and showed me that he brought one in for me. That was nice. I forgot about that.

AGHHH!!!

Liese

quote:

Maybe I'll ask him if he wants me to drink before I come to see him.

This is funny because I have been thinking about doing this! I am not a big drinker and usually after half a glass of wine I feel much more comfortable and less anxious. I have been debating doing this before a session because I know if I could be 100 percent anxiety free for just one or two sessions, it would break the panic cycle and I could feel better.
Did you try to drink before a session?

Hi Quilter,

no I haven't tried a drink before a session. Well my session is at twelve noon, so .... others on the forum have talked about having a few drinks and then going to a session. In my younger days I could have done it!!!! Tell me if you try it. Are you having trouble opening up too????? Tell me about your quilts!

STRM, Thanks for encouraging me!! I really appreciate it. I also thought maybe I could bring sunglasses for both t and I. Maybe that would make us laugh. Maybe he and I have to play a game to break the ice. He does that with the kids. He likes to play othello. Me too!!