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6 replies

Trust issues

unbrokenunbrokenMember
After a really intense session in which it felt like T was questioning each and every thinking pattern that I have about trust, I feel beat up and worn down. I feel like I find myself questioning everyone. Who can I trust?

I am and have always been a very open/trusting person. I have been hurt a lot, and have my childhood issues/traumas but still naively give into trusting other people because somehow trusting someone and allowing them in helps me feel safe(even when they aren't the safest person). Maybe I am seeking validation? I don't know? I feel like I need someone on the outside of me to soothe me, make me feel like I am okay in this world.

T was telling me that I should look at the past(how I have interacted with a person, and what they'd shown to be trustworthy qualities in our relationship) to determine how far/close I allow that person in. I am having a hard time with that because I let people in SO quickly. NOW I feel like I have to reassess my current levels of openness with EVERYONE in my life, set boundaries, and in that it's making me feel really alone. How do I not feel so alone in the world when I am learning that those who I thought I could trust, I can't.

Is there anyone out there that can help me shed some light on how to feel better about the world? How to feel better in my own skin, and learn how to set appropriate boundaries when maybe boundaries have already been out of whack from the beginning? I am feeling lost.

I understand what T is saying about looking at past behaviors. BUT, the question is...I heard from my oldT that she'd be there, that I could trust her, and she was pretty consistent and she then abandoned me. T said "well weren't there any signs." Sure, there are signs...but can I trust my own instincts? What if I am wrong sometimes? I just feel LOST and confused.

I hope this makes sense to someone else because right now I just feel frightened and alone in the world...
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B bltMember
Hmm. It sounds like maybe this is really about trusting yourself. Like, can I trust myself to know who else to trust? Can I trust my own instincts about other people?

Trusting yourself can be a tricky topic because all of us have parts of ourselves that we shouldn't entirely trust, because they have a skewed perspective on the world or want us to use strategies that don't work very well. For me, the process of learning to trust myself is about learning to find that wiser part of me that is worthy of trusting, and learning to recognize when I am in that centered place. It's not easy because especially when something triggers us, the other voices can be so loud that we are tempted to believe them and identify with them. Until your wisest self can step out apart from all those voices, it can be hard to have any confidence in yourself because you are being pulled in so many directions.

That's my own experience. I don't know how much it speaks to what you're asking here.
unbrokenunbrokenMember
BLT,

I am pretty sure you are right on target here. Thanks! Smiler It IS about learning how to trust myself. That makes perfect sense. I am having a difficult time trusting myself and recognizing that wiser voice without having that wise one be validated or told that "she's" right by others.

The messages from the other voices in my head are very loud and it is hard to have that wise voice get lost sometimes in all of the chaos.

How do you start listening more and more to your wise voice and quieting those other voices? Do you have any tips on how to work on self trust?

Thanks,
L lieseMember
((((BROKES))))

I have had lots of trouble with what you describe - trust in self issues. I was repressing my own wise voice so much so that I didn't know it existed.

I started to notice thoughts floating around in my head. It was around Halloween time so I called them the little witches flying around in my head. T would ask me what I felt and I would say, I don't know but I can tell you what the thoughts are that are flying around my head. And he would say, yes tell me those.

They were my feelings but they were so removed from "feeling" that they seemed to be thoughts. I don't know if that makes any sense.

It's taken me a long time to allow myself to feel all my feelings. Not sure I actually let them all in but definitely more than I used to. I think it's a process of acknowledging and becoming comfortable with your feelings. Life feels so much better now. It was worth the pain.

It's scary and sad to take a look back at the relationships I've had in the past. I have more compassion for myself now though. That, too, was worth the pain.
unbrokenunbrokenMember
Hi Liese,

Do you think it was the process of therapy that allowed you to get more and more comfortable feeling those feelings, and recognizing those little witches and their messages in your head? I have a hard time hearing them, but I know that they must be there as I have practically been told my entire life from outside sources that I am not worthy, or good enough. So, I know those messages exist in everything that I do. I just don't hear them consciously. Do you think something in particular in therapy allowed you to become more conscious of those negative thoughts?

It's so good to hear that you are able to be more compassionate towards yourself. I struggle with that. I don't seem to be connecting my past self and all of those experiences to the person that I am today. I feel so far removed from what happened to me.

I'm going to have to think some on learning to feel. My T always talks about sitting with feelings and I am learning to TRY to do it...I've been turning of the distractions more and more.. trying to let myself cry when I feel like I need to cry(that's a big one for me).

I guess it's a learning process. My T said that I can take my time to get there. She said that I practically just started my journey (since I had a minor disruption with ex T). She tells me to go easy on myself. Let things happen. Sometimes I feel like I force myself too hard...

Looking forward to the day where I can become more and more compassionate towards ME. How incredible that must feel.
unbrokenunbrokenMember
Hi Ninna,

Thanks for checking in. Smiler I have been doing okay. I had been struggling with really opening up and feeling in session. I had also been having a hard time just feeling while I was alone, too. So, I tried making a time for myself to sit with my feelings and feel them. That's been working for me. I sit by myself, give myself permission to feel things, and also coach my inner child that it's okay to open up.

Feeling in session was a whole other challenge for me. I couldn't feel. I realized that something was occurring, though, out of session preventing me from dealing or processing in session. (This could totally just be how I work and my own communication styles). BUT, I realized that I was letting myself off the hook by emailing T all of my feelings. I would then assume that she knew what was happening inside of me and wouldn't open up to those most intimate issues that I had. If T knew that would magically heal me right? LOL! Hahaha! Little did I know. I realized last week sometime that I was going to SAVE everything up for the week, NOT TEXT/EMAIL T. It was HARD. It was a HUGE struggle, but something amazing happened for me. I walked into my last session and was closer and more open with T than I have EVER been. So, I think that might be what needed to happen for me. Smiler

T also kept telling me after I'd express that I couldn't feel in session that I need to relax and let the process happen. Just sink into the process and allow myself time.

I love that woman. She's awesome.

I really suggest getting some alone time. Quiet alone time to really reflect inward. (I used to busy myself with distractions... books, music, etc.) BUT once I stopped that and sat in the silence and told myself OKAY this is about you, I let my emotions out.

I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. Smiler

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