Hi, Kid. I've been pondering your question and can't come up with much. Maybe for me trust means believing I won't be rejected for showing my real feelings, believing that someone will care enough to treat my feelings with sensitivity, believing the person I trust will not hurt me purposely.

Then there is this strange battle going on (maybe it's a battle with the inner child?): There is someone who I very much WANT to trust (WHY?), but fear holds me back (WHY?)

RabbitEars

Hi Kid,
I think trust for me is something that should be broken down into categories and it depends on what you are referring to. Much like love really. So for example you can love reading or sport or dancing and you can love a friend and love a spouse or a parent, in each case love is different. Trust is like that I guess. You put your money in the bank and you trust that when you need it you will be able to access it. You trust your hairdresser to cut your hair well. You trust your therapist to be there on time. Now for the harder ones....do you trust your friend not to betray your confidence? You can/should be able to trust your therapist not to speak to her friends about you, but how far do you trust that person in terms of leaving you? How long should it take to trust someone? I don't know each person is different. Not just you, but the person you choose to trust as well. There are signs I guess and so trust is built, kind of like you would build a house. So you dig the foundation (find out about that person). You fill the foundation (establish your common ground and make sure that you are both sure of each other and that you are both putting equal amounts into the foundation), and slowly brick for brick you build on that trust. A bit of them and a bit of you (it must never be all of you). You can't go slapping all the bricks on at once. Take your time. Plan, listen (with your ears and your heart), watch. For me trust is slow so I guess I'm a slow builder. Actually in truth I know absolutely NOTHING about building but it seemed the best analogy at the time.

Kid I don't think there is an exact answer to your question. For me the answer is .....would the house I built with that person seem safe to spend time under or would I constantly be worrying about its cracks?

Good luck with that answer

B2W

Hmmmmm...you've both given me some very good food for thought. I like the building description. While that thought has already visited very fleetingly, it doesn't stay. I think the thing that's hard to understand is it's not a one-time thing. And, it takes sssooo bloody long to build and only one nanosecond to totally destroy. Is it really worth all the effort to build it in the first place? The adult me gets it but li'l one is in the driver's seat in this regard and she's not buying it right now. The shield she's erected is all encompassing and there are times I literally have a hard time breathing, it's stifling...and exhausting.

Hi Kid... I think trust has to be earned over a period of time. With my T it has come from him being very consistent, honest and non-defensive over a long period of time. For those of us who have been betrayed it takes even longer to get to a point of trust.

Figuring out who to trust also comes from learning what healthy people look like and to read the red flags that you see and to not ignor them in people. I only learned this in the last few years with this T. I have heard Oprah say something which I think came from Maya Angelou "when people show you who they are... believe them the first time". I didn't do this with my oldT and kept making excuses for him and/or blaming myself for what was happening. I have learned a lot since then.

Hope that helps.

TN

Very good points, Draggers. You have learned a lot. thanks for sharing that.

Hugs
TN

I don't know what trust means... it means, I guess knowing I can survive someone. Knowing I can give all of myself, and no matter how terrifying it will be... if the time comes, I will survive any betrayal, hurt, anger, etc they have and that I can survive leaving if I have to. Trust is moving toward, opening up... and knowing that if it is betrayed... you'll make it. Trust is in yourself, I think.

And if I had to give a picture to what trust looks like... it would be a pile of kittens... they trust whomever to lay on them and step on them... no body cares. Trust is also my cat letting me go bzzzrrrrrttt (make raspberries) on his belly and lay quietly while I put obscure objects on him. That's just a picture I get in my mind. I know it's less than serious... but kittens make me happy right now.

Very good question Kid, and good discussion.
It has made me think. I think it´s right trust comes in different levels. I think I had to reach a very high level of trust in old T before I could let my inner child emerge. It took very long time, and maybe I was too scared to trust at first. Maybe because I had no one to trust in when I was a child and was neglected, hurt and abused.

I have worked with many therapists and with them I didn´t really make any progress. OldT was the first I could reach this level of trust with. When I did I could feel a huge progress in my healing. Unfortunately It is a very fragile place when you trust in your T almost like a baby trusting it´s mum.