Hi TAS,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I read another post by you where you talked about long term abuse as a child? People who have suffered that like us, often have a lot of trouble with boundaries, especially in the area of being really scared to run into one. Because we often were not allowed to have any of our own and running into our abuser's would get us hurt.

The truth is that a boundary is just a demarcation of where your stuff ends and another person begins. There is NOTHING wrong with running into someone else's boundary. It's theirs, says nothing about you, and is really only about them. Since our boundaries are our own, its also our responsibility to make them known so by definition, you may not necessarily know someone else's boundaries beforehand. Problematic behavior occurs when the boundary is made clear to you, but you refuse to respect (which you have NOT done).

I think your T sending you the text "I am now officially on vacation" was because since he had just sent you a text, he was probably worried that if you sent another and he didn't answer, that you might think you had done something wrong, so he wanted you to understand beforehand that there would be no response, so you wouldn't be guessing the reason. So I don't think it was a matter of thinking you wouldn't respect his boundary, it was just clear communciation to save you any possible angst.

Same thing with the check. That is his boundary that he will inform you ahead of time if he needs to be compensated for his time. When he gets paid and for what, is his decision and he has now made it clear that he is capable of communicating that to you; therefore, you can relax and not worry about "is this ok? should I be paying him?" because he'll let you know.

In both these situations you are not in trouble, you have not done anything wrong, it's just about being clear and communicating.

I have run into my Ts boundaries a few times and remember really panicking once. My T has a typo in HIS NAME on his Iphone, so whenever he sends an email from there, his last name is misspelled. I am a technical writer and this DRIVES ME BONKERS! It's like I have this itch I can't scratch every time I see it. So I had emailed him and told him about it and nothing changed. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and asked him in an email if I could change it for him. He emailed me back (we had been rescheduling an appointment) and said he'd be more comfortable changing it himself and if that was creepy we could discuss it at our next session. I think he started counting backwards from 10 when he hit the send button because that's how long it took me to make an emergency call. On a rational level, I got that he used the word creepy about him saying that, but on a visceral level what I heard was "wow, you're REALLY creepy wanting to change my phone." I was in complete meltdown convinced I had done something REALLY wrong, that I was going to be in a whole bunch of trouble and that I may have possibly damaged the relationship beyond repair. In retrospect, I may have overreacted.

He called me back and I freaked and apologized and explained. When I finally ran down, he told me I had done nothing wrong. That it was not inappropriate of me to ask and even if it had been, he would have handled that and it would have been ok. That he simply felt more comfortable changing it himself. That he had started to worry about telling me no (one of his exceedingly rare confessions of counter-transference) but realized that was wrong, that I could handle hearing it. That we were fine. That it was his boundary and said things about him but nothing about me. And that I wasn't supposed to know where the boundaries were ahead of time. He also apologized for using the word "creepy" that he had been in a rush and it was a poor choice. It really helped me to see that running into a boundary was not the horrific, terrifying act I had always thought it was.

Hope that helps.

AG

AG,
Thank you for your reply. Yes, long term abuse as a child, staying in several different foster homes from birth until the age of 16. I have been trying to force myself to talk about my experience, the words won't come and I am so frustrated with myself.

I read your article on attachment and I could so relate as I currently quit every single week, but the therapist won't let me quit. When I say that, I don't mean he is controlling me, I mean that he believes in me and says that I can get through this. I have tried pushing him away, listed a million and one reasons why I need to get away...he calls me on it and won't let me take the easy way out.

I told him from the very beginning that I did not want to get attached and have worked very hard to keep my walls up. I know that sounds counter productive but it's hard to just be in the same room with him.

I talk to myself all the time and tell myself that he is not the enemy. I want to believe it, but I don't. I see him, in some ways, as a threat and logically, I know it doesn't make sense, but that is how I feel.

I wondered while reading your blog, if you don't mind me asking, are you still seeing the therapist and may I ask how long you have been seeing him. I don't mean to be too forward, just interested in another's experience with therapy.

Thank you for replying and your insight. I really do appreciate it. My goal is just to keep going and not quit every week like I have been doing. I say I am not going to quit, but when I feel that he is getting too close, I push him away. I try to get him to quit on me. It hasn't worked so far. He is one persistent man.

Thanks again,
T.

TAS - i really get your conflict with the attachment and the getting close, pushing away and quitting.

Just keep doing what you are doing with your T and it will get easier, but you do have to give in and let the attachment come.

So much time, effort and mental anguish goes into us keeping up the thick boundaries. Once we can relax that a bit - the relationship grows.

Good luck, keep trying.
Somedays

(((Tas)))

quote:

I told him from the very beginning that I did not want to get attached

Same here. I emailed about and AND got up the nerve to tell him to his face - twice! I can't stand the thought of needing him, even now, but I'm getting used to it. I've always been very strong-willed and independent, and to need him (or anyone!) seems like such a weakness. To need seems like such a weakness! Esp to need a person. I remember dating H, and being in love, yet knowing deep down that I could walk away, and would if I had to. I never felt needy, or even particularly emotional.

Now, with T, I know I can't walk away; I know I need him, and just last week I finally acknowledged that to him. He smiled that knowing smile, darn him.


It's still an issue - needing someone, but I'm learning that it can be okay, too. My attachment to him, which I know I need, is what's helping me to heal, and I am forever grateful for that.

Take things slowly and go easy on yourself.
Starry

quote:

I wondered while reading your blog, if you don't mind me asking, are you still seeing the therapist and may I ask how long you have been seeing him. I don't mean to be too forward, just interested in another's experience with therapy.

Hi Tas,
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here. I don't mind you asking at all, if there's one subject I love to talk about, it's my T.


I've been seeing him for around 7 1/2 years; the first two years was couples' counseling with my husband, then I started seeing him individually (see my blog for the whole story of how I started, just posted it. ) I am still seeing him. In September 2010, I decided I was done (after working on ending for around a year) and I left. We had a quite moving "last" appointment. I didn't see him for around 4-5 months, but his door was open and I did communiciate with him by phone or email occasionally. For the next year and a half, I would call and go in whenever I needed to which was about 4-8 weeks between appts. Recently I have been seeing him regularly again, weekly (although the gaps vary depending on our schedule, I just finished a five week break because of our vacation schedules) because I'm digging into stuff I've never been willing to talk about before.

I will say at this point that I am MUCH more comfortable being in a close, intimate relationship and knowing that I need him at times. I am also secure enough now, that I can be away from him easier than I used to be able to (I miss him but it's managable). He is extremely important to me and part of who I am in a way I couldn't extract, even if I want to. But it was a long haul to get here and I alternated with clinging to his ankles and trying to run away as far as I could (sometimes within minutes) for a number of years. He has really helped me to heal in so many significant ways and my life is much fuller than now than it has ever been.

AG

AG: I thoroughly enjoy what you write and I can so relate to clinging to ankles and trying to run far away...I feel that way with my therapist...and honestly, at times, I feel that I am going crazy...like I want him to be close but I fight so hard to push him away...it really is confusing behavior on my part...not sure I understand it.

He has told me that he will is here for the long haul, no matter how long it takes. Normally, that would be comforting, but I still try to push him away. He one day said I was testing him. I had never heard him say that before.

I have tried every reason in the book to quit, one time I even said that this could be a very long journey...his reply, 'I'm into long journeys...' I said 'I'm offering you an out...' his reply, 'I won't be taking it.'

So, it should comfort me but I am terrified of being close to him. Honestly. I don't know how else to say it.

I have visited your blog a few times...always refreshing. Thank you for your reply.

T.