Hi Smilingpenguin, thank you for your response and encouragement. I was really tired when I posted, I am sorry about my terrible grammar.

The therapists I have talked to, they say things that make me like I am helpless, I was nothing other than helpless victim, and not like I am a capable person. I think I am sensitive to feeling this because of my hearing impairment. People treat me like I am helpless so much, more than other people. I hate it.

I know I need help. But it is not same as being helpless. I know that and it is so hard to keep it separate in my own head.

I get angry at everything but not children and animals. I never get angry at kids or animals. When I get angry at adults, I feel fear on the inside. I act hostile. I do not want act or feel like this. I am horrible. It is ruining me and hurtful to everyone. I went to a anger management therapist who told me I have too much trauma to do anger management. I went to several therapist who are very experienced trauma therapist and they tell me I have too much anger.

Ever try DBT? it can help a lot with that

Hi turtles.

I did DBT class. It help me with other emotions. I am not sure how to use it with anger. The DBT therapist told me I need more radical acceptance. I felt like she was telling me to accept that I fail and can not do things and people will hurt me all the time and get away with it. I am not sure she meant that. I do not know what else she means. I fail a lot. My anger is worse now than ever. I do not know what I do wrong or why.

Someone was speaking today about love and kindness and how everyone deserves that and it felt like foreign land. I could not even imagine anyone feeling like that towards me. I used to be able to. Maybe I have become a hate monster. I hate me. It spills out to every person. I hate me and all I have done is make lots of others hate me too. I fight for my rights, and yet I hate me a lot. I am sorry I write on and on. I hope it is ok. I do not have anyone to talk to. I made everyone hate me and go away. Not on purpose but it is truth.

Smilingpenguin, Thank you for your response! How you described trust and help is very true for me, only you wrote it better than I could. I hate being helpless, and I need help. My 'disability' and the way people treat people with disabilities makes complicated and PTSD and trust are complicated with out that!

I am not writing much, but I am still thinking through everything. Thank you again.

Still Trying,
Lost