Trying hard to accept the care

passionfruitMember

Hi everyone,

I hope it’s okay for me to share some good and healing stuff from my sessions this week…

I’m trying to hard to accept and receive the care T is offering me. I’m amazed how much shame comes up both ways - when T is close and when he’s far. It’s really a no-win situation for him or me. But I’m trying not to over-think it and just accept the warm feelings I experienced in session without pushing him away. He showed an overwhelming amount of care this week and I just want to run away as fast as I can.

First, the best news of my week is his other job is moving him back in-state. He’s a supervisor for another company and flies out of town a lot. This will greatly decrease the amount of time he’s away and I’m so relieved. I don’t think I could have handled another extended break like we had over the summer.

I don’t know what happened to T over the summer, but he’s different. Or maybe I’m different. Maybe we’re both different. Well, our sessions are different. We are both more open and he seems less afraid.

This week he asked me what has been helpful in the past and if I had any suggestions on how he could be more helpful and supportive. He’s never asked that before. He spent a significant time making sure he was understanding what I have been telling him since his return. He made several observations about my body language and tone and asked if he made accurate assessments that I was feeling alone. He reassured me that he was with me in this process and we’re in this together. He asked me to please tell him when my feelings are hurt or when I’ve been offended. He brought up his observations about me having a hard time feeling so needy all the time and went on to say that he’s okay with all my needs. I ignored his comment and didn’t bring it up until the following session because I couldn’t believe he said that. He said my needs feel overwhelming to me, but he is not overwhelmed by them at all. In fact, he is happy to carry all my needs until I get stronger, even the needs I’m not aware of, for as long as it takes, even if it’s for a lifetime. Who says that?? And why would he say that??

I don’t plan as much as I used to about what I’m going to say in session. I used to almost memorize a script. Now, I just pick one or two topics without too much preparation and I’m okay. But if I’m going to share any personal feelings about him, I usually think about it for weeks before bringing it up. So I was so shocked when out of my mouth come the words, “I really missed working with you.” I was trying not to have a heart attack in that moment. And I was even more surprised when he said, “I missed you.”

With all these things, I feel like I should be happy? Ecstatic? But I’m relieved and terrified at the same time. I have been trying so hard to keep my dependency at bay. The attachment pain from before and during the break was hell and honestly, I don’t want to go back to that pain. I detached from him and the pain was less. I don’t want to be attached again because it hurts. But I also don’t want to miss out on the care he is offering now because this is the kind of care I’ve been longing for for so long. I felt really connected to him this week in session and it’s a struggle on confronting my automatic defenses and thoughts out of session. I really wish I could just accept the care he’s offering to me.

Thanks for letting me share here. I’d love to hear how other people’s sessions went this week.

PassionFruit

9/13/142:03 PM

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passionfruitMember

hi Monte,

Thanks so much for your replies. As for touch, it is not hurtful or insensitive for me personally, and I am one of those who get zero touch. Personally, I'd love for you to talk about it because I want to know how it's been helpful for you and how that has brought healing for you.

I, too, struggle with knowing when to share the things that others do not get. Ultimately, I think we all benefit when we can celebrate with each other when we're healing and encourage each other when we're hurting. I can't speak for others, but I am okay and welcome the discussion of touch.

Have to make dinner, but will reply to your other post when I have a chance.

Thanks for taking the time to write!

PF

9/13/147:13 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Monte I thought your post was really informative and helpful with how to work through fears of accepting care and some of that care can involve appropriate, therapeutic touch.

I don't think that there is anyone who gets everything they want from their Ts. I have some touch, a handshake, an arm pat, but no hugs. Others may not get touch but get longer sessions. Others may not get touch but have outside contact while others do not. Some may be able to go for walks with T while others insist on therapy within the office walls. Some may have multiple sessions a week or regular appointments while other have more spaced out appointments that move around from day to day and time to time.

The mention of touch was not the value of your post. That was in the explanation of the process of working through things that are difficult, such as accepting care from T. That is something many of us struggle with. It's valuable for how a long term T relationship can evolve when both parties are committed and invested in the success of the relationship and the healing for the patient.

Thanks for writing about it. Oh and not hijacky at all. It was helpful to me.

PF.... thank you for your session update. I love reading about how people interact with their T's in session. Hearing your POV makes me feel less alone when I'm having the same struggles and hearing your T's POV teaches me things.

I struggle with accepting care as well and was thinking about posting about the same topic. Thanks for introducing it.

Hugs
TN

TN

9/13/147:30 PM

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passionfruitMember

hi Monte,

Yes, I’ve only been in counseling a year. I came in for marriage issues and never in a million years expected what was to come. I can’t believe it’s taken this long to establish our relationship, but you’re right. It’s like any other relationship. When I left last session, he said in passing, “Okay, now the real work starts.” I could sense he could feel the foundation of our relationship was firming up so that we could start to do more trauma work.

quote:
Such words fill me with security and fear in the same moment. My response is usually to just respond indifferently or even say nothing...and then send a 'did you mean that blah blah blah...' type email. He'll confirm and sometimes elaborate the following week.

That’s totally me, too. T actually pointed out that when he affirms me or our relationship, I usually ignore his comments and bring it up 4-6 weeks later.

quote:
After a rocky and angst-filled few years, my sessions are almost always all good experiences, even though they involve pain. It's a different pain to the pain of trying to attacdh. It's not the pain that comes from feeling unheard or unknown or uncared for - that's all in place now. It's more that with all that in place I am now safe enough to explore the reality of my infancy and childhood, and that is painful. And even though T offers much, the one thing he can't offer is an escape from that reality and what it means in the here and now.

Exploring the pain of childhood - sometimes there are no adjectives to describe the pain. You are so right. They can’t offer an escape and can only sit with us in our pain. Unfortunately, it doesn’t minimize the pain. I just re-read Dr. LaCombe’s quote that says, “the best way to change how you experience an emotion, is to experience it.”That’s the good and bad news, I guess.

quote:
But we have a formula now that seems to be working.

I think that’s the key. Creating a partnership with your T that works for you. T reminded me there’s no one way to heal trauma. I love that you guys have come up with a formula. How amazing that he can incorporate touch and proximity. I have started asking T to sit closer to me, too. When we first started I asked him to sit like 8 ft away. We also made a covenant with each other that we add to every so often that helps keep me feeling safe and secure.

quote:
This relationship for me is quite mind-blowing...that someone would offer this level of care, that I could find this relationship...this attachment. I am in my 40s and after a life time of suppressed childhood pain and all that brings to your life, I had almost given up. But I am still so cautious, even frightened at times. Accepting the care seems a bigger challenge than asking for it.

It is so mind-blowing to find Ts that care as much as they do. I feel like only another who has experiences a similar pain can be so compassionate and patient with us. We are lucky. I’m so glad you did not give up because it sounds like you are on your way to wholeness, even through all the frightening times.

You are courageous to ask your T for what you need. I hope one day he will be able to hold you in your blanket.

Thank you for generously sharing your experience. To know that I’m not alone is one of the greatest gifts of this group. Your story gives me hope that even though I’ll probably be in therapy for a long time, it’s going to be okay.

Thanks Monte.

PF

9/14/1412:46 AM

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passionfruitMember

Hi TN,

I love reading your session updates too. I think it's awesome we can learn from each other and each others' Ts.

I've actually been reading posts from several years ago and have found tons of gems.

T loves to remind me that defense mechanisms are okay. It kept me alive. But I don't need all of them anymore and it's so hard to unlearn them, especially when they become dysfunctional.

Thanks for reading my post.

9/14/1412:54 AM

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skylynxMember

I especially appreciate this talk about therapists offering good feelings, as I'm at that stage in therapy, too. I've finally admitted to Transference and I'm so relieved. T has said all my child feelings, even back to 1 yrs. old, are welcome. What a wonderful, yet scary, feeling!! But I'm not ready for touch, even tho I probably will be.
I feel it's great that we all can come here and express whatever we experience. I'm OK that you, PF, and others, are receiving some good vibes from your T. I think that is part of any therapy, but we are at different stages of being able to receive it.

9/14/1411:16 AM

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