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15 replies

Trying not to be too anxious

justme 2justme 2Member
I am noticing that familiar feeling I get when you know something big is happening and about to surface. I am feeling a bit dreadful about it because I don’t know if this is going to amount to a big internal upheaval or a refreshing cleanse. Either way I know the signs. I know it is coming. I can feel it wrenching in my gut.

I have spent the last 2 days basking in the warmth of my T’s words allowing them to resonate deeply into my entire being. Those far reaching words she shared with me face to face when she “in effect” told me, “There is nothing you can do to ever make me leave you. That will never happen.” The impact of those words has been tremendous as you all know and felt with me. (Thank you by the way.) I usually see my T on Wednesday mornings, but she will be out of town part of this next week and I won’t see her until Friday. As you can imagine I am a little anxious about what might be surfacing and if I can hold onto enough of her until then.

I am trying to anticipate this great gnawing from deep within as it rises to the surface. Perhaps it is the positive emotions I have been experiencing going to work as they are unearthing some old negative beliefs and all their vessels, evicting them from their throne where they’ve ruled unchallenged for 43 years.

It is a feeling of molten lava swelling beneath the surface of a volcanic crater. Will this be a big one or a series if tiny belches? I am fearfully unsure.
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Just Me,
I'm not sure just how many times I can say this, but wow does that sound familiar. Smiler The basking in warmth followed by subterranean rumbles of something approaching.

Here's my theory (or at least what I think happens with me) is that when you connect that deeply with your T and experience an even deeper level of safety, you have more resources at your disposal, so the next thing that happens is more "stuff" comes up, because now you can deal with it. I think we just have to keep repeating the cycle until there's not more to come up or we're really ok with handling what comes up on our own.

I want to pass along something my T always tells me. Whatever is approaching are just feelings, emotions, that you can experience in a safe place with your T. You have a consistent self who experiences those emotions but they do not define you. And you've already survived whatever caused those feelings. So despite the rising sense of dread and terror, which can be breathtakingly powerful I know, you are safe and can face whatever is coming.

I know it can be tough to make it to the next appointment sometimes, but keep talking here about how you feel. It doesn't feel so overwhelming when you're not alone with it.

AG
justme 2justme 2Member
I have this dilemma that always seems to mesmerize me too. It’s like waiting for an expected visitor. Do you sit on the edge of your couch waiting for them to arrive, or do you clean house before they get there? Sometimes I feel so captivated by the anticipation that I tend to sit on the edge of my couch, when I wish I could muster up the energy to occupy myself productively.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
I think that may actually have a neuro-biological basis. The connections from your amygdala to your neocortex are wide and strong. Those back from your neocortex to your amygdala are pretty weak and not so many. This is so when you amygdala screams danger, you listen and take flight. So when you get scared, the amygdala can actually start to flood your brain with hormones that compromise your higher cortical functions, you're ability to speak and to think. I've told my T sometimes that when I'm really scared, read highly activated, that it becomes almost impossible to think, that I can "lose" myself. Seeing him and working through the fear allows me to return to myself and then I have the ability to see more options. So you're sitting on the edge of the couch may be because your amygdala is loud enough that your neocortex is a little overwhelmed. I'm not sure how much this will work to help you solve it, but you can at least see that its not lack of character or motivation. Big Grin

And the amygdala doesn't have real complex reactions, I remember my T telling me (based on a quote from someone else whose name totally escapes me at the moment) that when you run into a new situation, your amygdala basically says "Do I eat it? Do I make love to it? or Do I run?" Not a lot of nuance in that decision tree. Big Grin
justme 2justme 2Member
quote:
And the amygdala doesn't have real complex reactions, I remember my T telling me (based on a quote from someone else whose name totally escapes me at the moment) that when you run into a new situation, your amygdala basically says "Do I eat it? Do I make love to it? or Do I run?" Not a lot of nuance in that decision tree. Big Grin

So what you’re telling me is my amygdala is male? LOL!

Thanks for the physiological explanation. (You are brilliant- I can never remember the correct terminology like that. I would call it the little almond shaped thingy.) Believe it or not that is what I’ve been looking for. Is there a way to re-direct this? I did manage to clean the kitchen and go outside to do some more work around my flower garden, but I am exhausted and finding it hard to push myself. I love the distraction I get from keeping busy, but I’m pooped! I know it is mostly emotional too, because I am fit enough to do the work I am doing.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Just Me,
The way to redirect is to keep experiencing those situations that scare you where there really isn't any danger until your brain rewires. And it is, you guessed it - hand the woman a prize! - long, slow, tedious, and painful. And you're already doing it in your work with your T.

My brilliance is borrowed. Smiler There's a great book on love and how our brain is wired and the power of connection in human relationships called A General Theory of Love that I think is a brilliant, and poetic explanation, and written so its accessible for the layman. It's written by three psychiatrists based on both neuro-science and their combined experience in therapy. I stumbled across it and it helped me immensely. Its the book that helped me to understand the necessity of being dependent on my T for awhile, and why it was healthy. I talked about it so much that my T bought and read it (it sits on his desk STUFFED with notes Smiler) and we discussed a lot of it because it resonated so strongly with the work we are doing together. I going to go out on a limb here, but I think you would like it. And it will give you something to do while your brain is re-wiring. Big Grin

Oh, and it's better if you eat gummy bears while you read it!

AG
justme 2justme 2Member
Hi AG!

Gee, there is no magic pill or solution for me today? (just kidding)
I was feeling really out of balance today, but I am leveling out now at least. I’m definitely going to get that book this week. I have been craving a good read on attachment and attachment theory I just keep forgetting to stop at the book store when I drive by on the way to and from My T’s. *sigh-I miss my T. I have to wait a whole week to see her. I hate this feeling. Frowner
justme 2justme 2Member
I think that would be a great idea to have a space for recommended reading. (Note to self; Look at website a little closer and make sure something like that does not already exist before you say stuff like that.) Big Grin
But even if it does, I like your "Book Club" name for it. Would be awesome. You or AG should start it. Wink

I can't wait to get my hands on a copy.-Thanks!
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
That is so great, that you guys are reading the book! I LOVE that book, and I would really love to discuss it. I think the thought of a book club is brilliant. So how about it Shrinklady? Could we start another section under "general Discussion" entitled "Books?" People could write recommendations and reviews of books they've found helpful and if they wanted to read books together, a thread could be devoted to a particular book to discuss it. I could see where this would be really useful for a lot of people. Of course, I have no idea how much work this entails. Big Grin

AG
imokimokMember
Hi AG

quote:
Here's my theory (or at least what I think happens with me) is that when you connect that deeply with your T and experience an even deeper level of safety, you have more resources at your disposal, so the next thing that happens is more "stuff" comes up, because now you can deal with it. I think we just have to keep repeating the cycle until there's not more to come up or we're really ok with handling what comes up on our own.


I like your theory. Boy do I wish I had found this website back in 2008. I hope you - and others - don't mind me rehashing old posts but they really really resonate with me.

I'm OK
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
quote:
I hope you - and others - don't mind me rehashing old posts but they really really resonate with me.


Hi I'm OK,
Absolutely no problem, I am really glad that you're finding stuff that resonates with your experience. It always helps to know that we're not alone in our feelings. And it's actually been quite timely for me. At my last session with my T on Tuesday we officially started the beginning of the end. We both think that I'm ready to venture out on my own and after some discussion both decided it was best to stretch out my appts so we have time to deal with anything that gets stirred up by leaving. I am both very excited and very sad. But having all these old posts pop up is reminding me of how much I have learned and how far I have come, and strengtening my conviction that it's time to venture out on my own.

I've never done this before, I've never had an ending that wasn't either unimportant or not forced on me. I am choosing to leave, but I am leaving an incredibly significant relationship and someone I care very deeply about. OK, love very much. Big Grin This is the last lesson my T is going to teach me, to allow myself to go without devaluing the relationship or dodging the pain. I know it's going to be very sad, even heart-breaking to leave, but I'm also certain that I need to go out and live my life on my own for a while. I NEVER, EVER thought I would be saying this but it's true. And occasionally terrifying. Smiler

So thank you, I am finding that reading these old threads is immensely helpful.

AG
imokimokMember
Hi AG Big Grin

Congratulations!! Woo Hoo!! Well Done!!

What a wonderful post to read! Yes you certainly have come along way over the past 2 years - and I am so proud of you for this next step. There are so many readers on myshrink who are struggling and to have shared your journey and watch you make such progress can only provide hope for the rest of us. Smiler

One last thing, my T told me recently that termination should really be called:

Graduation-with-reunions-as-required! Razzer

So when you finally graduate altogether, you know that your T will still be there if you need him. And perhaps you and your T could meet once a year to celebrate your graduation anniversary or perhaps you could write him a letter on each anniversary of your graduation letting him know how you are getting along?? Anyway, I realise that final graduation is still a little way off for you but I guess you are really going to be beginning that journey.

And don't forget we are all here when you need some support too!

Big hugs AG Big Grin

I'm OK
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi I'm OK.
My therapist has made it very very clear that his door remains open and I am welcome back at any time. And for that matter, I am welcome to take as long as I need to leave. I told him I wasn't leaving unless I knew I could come back. Big Grin

I haven't talked to him yet about communicating after I leave but I have no doubt that I will be able to send him notes or go back in for the occasional "tune up" session. Something he said is really helping me which is I'm not going away from him, I'm going towards life. And the only reason I can even consider leaving is that I know the connection between us, our relationship, will still be there, even if we're no longer seeing each other regularly. I will carry him with me, and leave myself with him.

Thank you for being so generous in being happy for me, it means so much to me. And thanks for the offer of support, I'm going to need it. Smiler And I'm going to make a conscious effort to talk about the experience as I go through it. I know that part's of it will be difficult and confusing (why should it be different than the rest of therapy? Big Grin) and coming here for support has always helped me to get through. And I'm hoping that my talking about it will help other people when they face this.

Big hugs back!

AG

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