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10 replies

trying not to feel

ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Yesterday was very difficult for me and I didn't sleep at all last night because everything is floating around in my mind. I am trying so incredibly hard not to connect to or experience the feelings I have surrounding the situation. I have been doing awesome work in staying grounded and realistic about T going on vacation. I have been using the "movie projector" coping skill and talking myself through it this time and have had a tremendous amount of emotional relief. The only thing that was hanging me up for three days was trying to figure out a way to feel connected to T while she is away. Yesterday was her last day in office before leaving, so I told her my concerns, the success I was having my new coping skill and asked her for some suggestions to which she replied, "you have missed sessions before by your choosing (mind you I was bed for 3 weeks with a heart rate in the low 40's due to a blown out thyroid when this occurred which she was aware of and it was difficult for me to cancel those appts), you can do it again."

I am really upset. I have worked extra hard this time to make sure that her going away is a different experience for me emotionally and I felt completely and totally not heard and my concerns unvalidated and my request for help dismissed. I told her yesterday what a cold hearted bitch (exactly in those words) that I feel she is with me. I told her alot of things yesterday none of which make me feel any better but those things needed to be said. I am so angry at her I want to spit. Well of course she is gone now so I can't talk to her about it, can't process what I am feeling. I am trying not to feel at all. It took a tremendous amount of courage to let my child part of me come out and ask for help and she totally responded in the coldest meanest way.

I will not allow myself to feel over this because I have to protect myself from going over the edge. But I am not sleeping and my ED has kicked in and I am not eating and I want to not care. I really hate her right now. I will never ask for what I need again from her. I am coming to realize that no matter how hard I want to work this through for her for whatever reason, it is probably best if I just back the hell out of this. I am trying to connect with her, I am trying to allow myself to care about and love another human being in the context of the safety of therapy, but she doesn't seem trustworthy with my emotions nor does she give a shit. why should I?
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skylynxskylynxMember
Ghost-girl, that was lousy of her to be stern with you about getting through her vacation. I'm sure it did help to tell her your anger, even tho it doesn't feel much like it.

It's so hard to wait all those days, and even harder because it is "vacation" not some other reason, like being sick (you or her). I know you feel like quitting, but I think you should tell her more of your anger or it will come between you ongoing. Maybe she even regrets leaving you on a bad note like that, as it's pretty clear it was unnecessarily harsh.
When my T went, I joined a group therapy I liked even tho it didn't take T's place, just supported me a little while she was gone. The group leader was very empathic and it did help some. I would have two T's if I could afford it.
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Skylynx,

T's very personality is an issue for me. I should know better based on past interactions not to even anticipate any sort of warmth or compassion.

I totally blasted her via text and I don't care. I really don't care. I had to get it all out and all out to HER and I was not about ready to hang onto all that crap until she returns!

I was able to avoid falling too far into the tranference trap by really telling myself over and over again that if I give her that much power I might as well just hand the power back over to my mother. I am tired of feeling victimized. Today I stood up and it felt good.
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
SB,

I am seeing two therapists because the transference with T1 is so awful that I need another therapist to process with because the transference is so bad I find it difficult to even process with her, though I am getting a little better at it. I actually long for the day where I cut the ties and walk away from T. Unfortunately despite her coldness and total detachment I bonded to and attached to her. I bonded to another emotionally unavailable person like my mom. I keep telling myself to push through this, that my perceptions are off, that T isn't cold, that it is just my experience of her based on skewed perceptions, but sometimes I wonder just how skewed my perceptions are. I don't understand her. Her primary job during the day is working with K through 8th graders as a guidence counselor so she can't be that cold right? She just seems clueless, ignorant of or not caring about the child inside me that was traumatized and is in need of gentleness and compassion. I stay and tell myself that working through the transference (which cuts to the core issues) will bring me out the other side to healing, but sometimes I wonder.

I tell myself she really isn't cold, but she is she is like ice.

T2 is on vacation also. So I am just stuck for bit. I actually feel like cancelling the whole damn summer with both of them. T2 is constantly gone and taking days off and cancelling appointments which leads me to feel that he really isn't committed, but I like him because I have not connected with him. I see him for what he is. A professional helping me to achieve therapuetic goals. I don't think about him out of session. But with T1 it is an entirely different story. I wish I could put her in a place in my head where she truely belongs. It is a struggle.
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Sometims a cigar is just a cigar... (Freud said that).

Maybe she IS just cold - it isn't transference, she just isn't good for you. Can you get yourself together enough (not easy I know!) to stop and go look for another style - someone more warm and able to connect with the little girl that needs to learn that others can be kind and accepting and warm (cos I'm guessin you already learned about loving someone emotionally unavailable?).

SB
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
SB,

It is a move a part of me would love to make (finding a more warm, compassionate T), but I am honestly terrified of not having current T in my life. Her just being on vacation sends me into a freaking tizzy. I don't know how to make the break or even if I want to. I am so conflicted about the whole thing. Feelings are so confusing.

I love your sense of humor. You got a chuckle out me on emotionally unavailability.
skylynxskylynxMember
Yes, it's those contradicting feelings so strong that drive you crazy about T. And that about giving the power to the mother sounds so familiar to me, too. I hated and feared my caregivers subconsciously, but didn't admit that because it would give them credit for making me feel. So much anger! But it's so important to say it and really feel it until it gets washed out.

Ghost-girl, I'm glad you're working with a second T, too. It's so hard to tell if a therapist is really a bad therapist, or it's the Transference issues kicking in (you know, Good Object vs. Bad Object, to be technical. No expert here, but my hope is that you'll keep on with both T's for awhile. It's so hard to desperately need someone that you hate at the same time.
V veryhopefulMember
GG, So sorry for what your going through. That totally sucks. I am glad you blasted her. I think she deserved it....with all due respect. And, I would be feeling very much like what you described too. She could have demonstrated more empathy and warmth. You're clearly in a vunerable state right now and to leave you like she did was not right. I hope you take care of you. Don't take your anger out on yourself. Try not too.

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