thanks everyone. I had to deal a lot with the situation that triggered feeling so mad today. It was a really crummy and awful day. I guess one good thing is that I am so exhausted I think I will sleep like a rock tonight. I hope so. I haven't had a chance to respond until now, but I did read earlier. Thanks for the great feedback and such kind words. It helped me get through the day so much. I hoping tomorrow is easier and I can keep sorting this one out better than I have in the past.
I’ve gotten better at getting through other tough emotions, but this one is much harder. Anger technically is supposed to help motivate for action, but when there is no action that would seem to help, then I’m not sure what to do with the angry feeling. Withstanding it the urge to act, in some way, is very hard. I want to just feel anything else, or do SOMETHING. Anything.
TN ~ It does remind me of things done to me in anger that were way out of control and hurtful. Even when I know I would not do those things, it still scares me to feel anger. Thanks for encouraging me to talk to my T. It helped.
STRM and Yaku ~ good ideas to say something or talk around it – anything to get something out about how I was… you really ecouraged me to risk and try - and it reminded me of trying to tell my T of other tough emotions and that alone helped lower some of the tension.
It is very hard to tell my T about anger. We haven’t talked about it much. With the encouragement of you all, I did call her today. I could say something of the bind I was in, and then when I tried to say how I was feeling… I just melted into desperate tears… and hung up on her voicemail apologetically. sigh. But she called back. I still couldn’t tell her I was mad, but was able to tell her I was feeling “too much” and told her I couldn’t say any more than that. I just lost words. She didn’t push for me to tell her more. She understood enough that I was flooded with emotion, and we talked about doing “the next thing,” grounding, and being very focused on the present moment. Thankfully, she didn’t talk of acceptance because I think that would have been really hard. She was mad about the bind that came up, but was calming. She was steady, but without being indifferent.
My dear T wanted to advocate for me for a part of the bind I was in. It would have been very appropriate and fitting, but I was scared I’d turn my angry feelings about the situation on to her in some weird mixed up way if she did get involved. I couldn’t say this… it scared me too much to say… but I did tell her I didn’t want to mix up “my feelings” about the situation with “my feelings” about her… and we figured out something that felt ok enough to risk such transference of emotion with… and it helped.
DF and BB ~ great suggestions on how to express some of the anger itself, without taking it out on me.
I did take some time today and wrote out things, just to express… and it’s hard because it DOES get worse before it gets better - but it did get better, and most of all, it kept me from expressing it in other ways. It was a good action to take. I drove to a park, and yelled in my car too. Oh, I could have thrown my phone in the nearby creek! (thankfully my phone didn’t go for a swim, not yet.
) Thanks for the ideas.
Liese ~ thank you for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone in this...
LG ~ Good question. I'm not sure what makes it hard to talk about, maybe it is the vulnerability... hmmm... it is so true about anger being linked to other emotions, at least today it was.
Withstanding the anger did pull up some very deep hurt and pain - the kind that seemed to reach into the deepest part of my being and blurred my sense of self in a very basic kind of way. I wanted to find my boundary and defend it! Or just feel that boundary of my “self.” Or defend something until I felt more steady and less like my soul was shredded by such invasive pain. Getting through the anger a little made me feel a bit lost inside the pain… trying to ground helped me find some steadiness - well, it helped me feel my literal feet on the literal ground, and that helped me ride the wave of pain and tension.
life is so broken sometimes...
but I am so glad for you all - very much
I struggle with (self-directed) anger a lot myself. I agree with STRM's way around things. I often tell (well, text) T, "I'm struggling with [insert vague description of problem], but it is too hard or scary to identify. I feel like discussing it will only make things worse, but I don't want to keep it locked up inside me, so I'm just bringing it to light."
