Hi Kashley...I don't think our paths have crossed...it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry that you are struggling with so much pain too.
BB, I hope you are doing ok...I really am very sorry that you feel you have to take a break.
Butterfly
We'll see if he writes back. He must be really busy, or just, finished with me anyway after my last horrible, despairing email a week ago. 
I did tell him that if he can think of any other strategy, or if he thinks everything is going well and I should stick it out, in his opinion, then I will keep plugging.
I haven't heard from him. He's probably just busy. Or done with me. Or busy. or done.
BB
I did tell him that if he can think of any other strategy, or if he thinks everything is going well and I should stick it out, in his opinion, then I will keep plugging.
I haven't heard from him.
He's probably just busy. Or done with me. Or busy. or done. BB
Well...my T wrote back. Such a nice email, very kind and understanding. I feel horribly guilty because, he is away, and I did not realize it, and sent these emails anyway. Now he had to take time out to deal with my whineyness and I feel bad about that. I know he would say I shouldn't, and that he can take care of himself, but I still feel badly for being so "desperate."
T says, that I should be able to feel close to him, and that I need that, in order to learn that closeness in relationships is possible, because I am so "starved." (his word not mine) So now I am confused, very because, I do not see that I am starved- just always, pushing people away, not meanly, I have to say, just I want to isolate myself from them because nobody can know me, "for real" and not be disgusted or something like that. My husband is very frustrated with me, because I "don't let him in." How can I let him in, when it feels so wrong, in so many conplicated ways?
T says, I should try medication, maybe, and marriage counseling, which he can't do, but he will talk to the cousnelor, and has even been trying to locate a good one for us, in our area...(!!!) I am amazed that he woudl go to such a trouble, and feel kind of "warm fuzzies" as people on here say, about that. He said he did not want me to break to get rid of me, but expected to continue with me after a break. (!!!) This is also quite amazing, and more "warm fuzzies."
But I still feel guilty and bad, that I never "get better" and I still wonder if I should take a break, maybe a long one, just to save my family some money for awhile. It seems to make sense. I have to think. T said, let me know when you would like to meet next. (!) So I will be doing some thinking...as usual. I really love my T. He is really nice to me. But I feel guilty, why would he think that I am starved for love or care, or whatever?? Did I make him think that? I don't think that's true, that I'm starved or whatever. I must have just made him think that to get some attention. I know he would say no, but I really think that.
That's the story...for now.
BB
Now he had to take time out to deal with my whineyness and I feel bad about that. I know he would say I shouldn't, and that he can take care of himself, but I still feel badly for being so "desperate." T says, that I should be able to feel close to him, and that I need that, in order to learn that closeness in relationships is possible, because I am so "starved." (his word not mine) So now I am confused, very because, I do not see that I am starved- just always, pushing people away, not meanly, I have to say, just I want to isolate myself from them because nobody can know me, "for real" and not be disgusted or something like that. My husband is very frustrated with me, because I "don't let him in." How can I let him in, when it feels so wrong, in so many conplicated ways?
T says, I should try medication, maybe, and marriage counseling, which he can't do, but he will talk to the cousnelor, and has even been trying to locate a good one for us, in our area...(!!!) I am amazed that he woudl go to such a trouble, and feel kind of "warm fuzzies" as people on here say, about that. He said he did not want me to break to get rid of me, but expected to continue with me after a break. (!!!) This is also quite amazing, and more "warm fuzzies."
But I still feel guilty and bad, that I never "get better" and I still wonder if I should take a break, maybe a long one, just to save my family some money for awhile.
It seems to make sense. I have to think. T said, let me know when you would like to meet next. (!) So I will be doing some thinking...as usual. I really love my T. He is really nice to me. But I feel guilty, why would he think that I am starved for love or care, or whatever?? Did I make him think that? I don't think that's true, that I'm starved or whatever. I must have just made him think that to get some attention. I know he would say no, but I really think that. That's the story...for now.
BB
sorry...whatever, idk...
BB..I am really happy that you heard back from your T 
and that you now have a reason for his lack of response...phew. Maybe you can ask him what he means about you being ‘starved’ of closeness as this is obviously something that isn’t sitting right with you.
I am also happy to hear that he doesn’t want to be rid of you like you thought and that he is willing to help you find a marriage counsellor. It sounds like he really cares for you. I guess I am still wondering what he thinks you will achieve by taking a break in the first place.
BB...your being very hard on yourself about ‘getting better’ it will take as long as it takes...I hope you only take a break if that’s what you really want and not because you are feeling pressured to or because you feel guilty about helping yourself. You are worth it...remember that.
What are you sorry for...you haven't done anything wrong.
Take care of yourself.
Hugs
Butterfly
and that you now have a reason for his lack of response...phew. Maybe you can ask him what he means about you being ‘starved’ of closeness as this is obviously something that isn’t sitting right with you.I am also happy to hear that he doesn’t want to be rid of you like you thought and that he is willing to help you find a marriage counsellor. It sounds like he really cares for you. I guess I am still wondering what he thinks you will achieve by taking a break in the first place.
BB...your being very hard on yourself about ‘getting better’ it will take as long as it takes...I hope you only take a break if that’s what you really want and not because you are feeling pressured to or because you feel guilty about helping yourself. You are worth it...remember that.
What are you sorry for...you haven't done anything wrong.
Take care of yourself.
Hugs
Butterfly
Aw, Beebs...((((((((((BB))))))))))) I love how your T responded to you. You deserve to be cared for and to get what you need, even if you don't know what you need right now. 
Of course I don't know exactly what your T means by "starved for love"...but I think this might have something to do with it...your difficulty believing that you are intrinsically lovable and deserving of care...even to the point of believing that you are "disgusting" (I am so sorry you believe that, how utterly painful and lonely to believe that, it is a lie you must have been "told" and absorbed very early on)...my T has said many times to me, sometimes she just wants to "throw grace" all over me...I think in hopes that some of it might sink in...because I don't know how to give it to myself, I really really don't, I'm VERY self-condemning at times...I think this is something like what your T might mean...I think he cares for you very deeply, and sees your pain, and wants to throw love all over you, in hopes that someday it might sink in...not for his own benefit, but for yours and yours alone...and you are worth it, Beebs. You are.
Big hugs to you, birdy friend,
SG
quote:So now I am confused, very because, I do not see that I am starved- just always, pushing people away, not meanly, I have to say, just I want to isolate myself from them because nobody can know me, "for real" and not be disgusted or something like that.
Of course I don't know exactly what your T means by "starved for love"...but I think this might have something to do with it...your difficulty believing that you are intrinsically lovable and deserving of care...even to the point of believing that you are "disgusting"
(I am so sorry you believe that, how utterly painful and lonely to believe that, it is a lie you must have been "told" and absorbed very early on)...my T has said many times to me, sometimes she just wants to "throw grace" all over me...I think in hopes that some of it might sink in...because I don't know how to give it to myself, I really really don't, I'm VERY self-condemning at times...I think this is something like what your T might mean...I think he cares for you very deeply, and sees your pain, and wants to throw love all over you, in hopes that someday it might sink in...not for his own benefit, but for yours and yours alone...and you are worth it, Beebs. You are.Big hugs to you, birdy friend,
SG
Thanks you Butterflitty-fly and SG, my friend. I am jus sitting here, kind of dazed. And worried about that my T is always saying I am (was) a love-starved child. Very confused and guilty-feeling about that. I think I must have lied something, to make him think that.
I can't see it. Maybe I should ask, what does that mean? Why does he think that. If I have a chnace sometime.
All these birdy-and Bee nicknames I get, make me smile and feel happy!
Love,
Bee-Bee
I can't see it. Maybe I should ask, what does that mean? Why does he think that. If I have a chnace sometime.
All these birdy-and Bee nicknames I get, make me smile and feel happy!
Love,
Bee-Bee
Hi again Bee-Bee
FWIW I don't think you've lied or done anything else wrong. I think the guilty feeling comes from having learned, at a very early age and on a very deep, unconscious level, that it is "bad" for us to have needs (meaning it was inconvenient to our caregivers at the time), so now, when we speak of our needs and they are "seen" on any level, we automatically feel guilty and try to figure out what we are doing wrong...when we haven't done anything wrong at all. But the feeling that we are doing something wrong is VERY strong and convincing.
And I definitely think it is a great idea to ask him "what he means by that." Let us know how it goes, OK?
SG
FWIW I don't think you've lied or done anything else wrong. I think the guilty feeling comes from having learned, at a very early age and on a very deep, unconscious level, that it is "bad" for us to have needs (meaning it was inconvenient to our caregivers at the time), so now, when we speak of our needs and they are "seen" on any level, we automatically feel guilty and try to figure out what we are doing wrong...when we haven't done anything wrong at all. But the feeling that we are doing something wrong is VERY strong and convincing.
And I definitely think it is a great idea to ask him "what he means by that."
Let us know how it goes, OK?SG
dear Blackbird (again)
i am glad to hear your (lovely) T answered..He clearly cares alot about you and i am not suprised to hear that he of course wasnt planning to "get rid" of you. I tend to think that this love you hold for him, are dynamic- and that he loves you too, and therefor being generous enough to allow you to take your time, take a break if you need to, or start with a couple counsling if that fits you better now.
I understand also that all this sudden attention and "proof" of his care, makes fuzzy feelings in you. Of course! Those are great, arnt they?- yet, i also sense that this (long wished for "proofs"?)make you kind of sad sinse you allready have started to withdraw from him...? Like the love you feel start to take shape of a "lost love"....if so, no wonder why you are also feel some greef and sense of loss.
I agree with, and like to echo what BF wrote about not being so hard on yourself, and not stress the "get better" thing...but heck- i know for sure how hard and strong this feelings are, and how hopeless/draining those feelings makes us- when we cant seem to track any progress, thats hard to face, when we work so hard to see just that, some changes that leading to the better. To see the "light in the tunnel" in a way. I`ve used a lot of time struggle with this, it might be that your situation is very different from mine, - so this is just FWITW: a big part of my healing has actually been to start to fight that inner voice that sais (its really more like a critical demand) "get better". "hurry, your times running out- get better"- I have more than once wrote my T a letter, where i have apologized for not "getting better" and "offored" to terminate in order to spear both of us from the humiliating point when we realize that i "cant be helped, or wont be helped, or wont be able to change"...- and that our work has been waste of time. Yes, and i am SO GLAD my T has refused to play along with this fears of mine, and I dont think like this anymore though.. Maybe you just need to lean back BB, and stop tryin so hard, stop working so hard on the project of "getting better"? i know that maybe sound weird but for me that have worked.. I progress more those time i just allow my self to lean back, and trust the "progress" to work on itself you know?
About his choice of word; The "starving"- sorry, i dont know what that means? (still learning english here) can you fill me in? And, yes- that mark seem to have striked you, - can you ask your T about this? i doubt he used the term because of a "Lie" you have told though- T`s tends to describe patients in terms they feel "fit" i guess, but if this feels totally wrong with you, ii bet this is something that should be looked at?
- Let us know how you cope, what you think, and how you process all this new info from your T. If you want to of course.
i am glad to hear your (lovely) T answered..He clearly cares alot about you and i am not suprised to hear that he of course wasnt planning to "get rid" of you. I tend to think that this love you hold for him, are dynamic- and that he loves you too, and therefor being generous enough to allow you to take your time, take a break if you need to, or start with a couple counsling if that fits you better now.
I understand also that all this sudden attention and "proof" of his care, makes fuzzy feelings in you. Of course! Those are great, arnt they?- yet, i also sense that this (long wished for "proofs"?)make you kind of sad sinse you allready have started to withdraw from him...? Like the love you feel start to take shape of a "lost love"....if so, no wonder why you are also feel some greef and sense of loss.
I agree with, and like to echo what BF wrote about not being so hard on yourself, and not stress the "get better" thing...but heck- i know for sure how hard and strong this feelings are, and how hopeless/draining those feelings makes us- when we cant seem to track any progress, thats hard to face, when we work so hard to see just that, some changes that leading to the better. To see the "light in the tunnel" in a way. I`ve used a lot of time struggle with this, it might be that your situation is very different from mine, - so this is just FWITW: a big part of my healing has actually been to start to fight that inner voice that sais (its really more like a critical demand) "get better". "hurry, your times running out- get better"- I have more than once wrote my T a letter, where i have apologized for not "getting better" and "offored" to terminate in order to spear both of us from the humiliating point when we realize that i "cant be helped, or wont be helped, or wont be able to change"...- and that our work has been waste of time. Yes, and i am SO GLAD my T has refused to play along with this fears of mine, and I dont think like this anymore though.. Maybe you just need to lean back BB, and stop tryin so hard, stop working so hard on the project of "getting better"? i know that maybe sound weird but for me that have worked.. I progress more those time i just allow my self to lean back, and trust the "progress" to work on itself you know?
About his choice of word; The "starving"- sorry, i dont know what that means? (still learning english here) can you fill me in? And, yes- that mark seem to have striked you, - can you ask your T about this? i doubt he used the term because of a "Lie" you have told though- T`s tends to describe patients in terms they feel "fit" i guess, but if this feels totally wrong with you, ii bet this is something that should be looked at?
- Let us know how you cope, what you think, and how you process all this new info from your T. If you want to of course.
BeeBee
Bebabe
BlackyBirdy
Beebs
BlackBird (songBird?)
Bebabe
BlackyBirdy
Beebs
BlackBird (songBird?)
Aw, BB, I am so, so glad and relieved for you that your T answered you and did it in such a kind and caring manner. I hope you'll allow yourself to soak some of that up. I totally agree with everything SG said, but maybe you can have just a few seconds at a time where you let yourself feel the care without guilt. Even if it's just for a couple seconds, that's better than berating yourself the whole time.
Take care BB - please keep us updated. I always want to know how you're doing whenever you feel safe enough to share, so don't hold back.
I totally agree with everything SG said, but maybe you can have just a few seconds at a time where you let yourself feel the care without guilt. Even if it's just for a couple seconds, that's better than berating yourself the whole time.Take care BB - please keep us updated. I always want to know how you're doing whenever you feel safe enough to share, so don't hold back.
Thank you so much- your support, all of you...
Thanks for kind and encouraging words, SG. It's always my big fear that I lied about how I was feeling just to get som attention or something. He says no, but it just really feels that way, I don't think I deserve for him to take time out and send me an email but I do feel a lot better, like my T isn't ditching me. I always think he's finally had it, this is it, this is the time he's going to just *stop* responding to me and start completely ignoring me until I will go away. But he never does.
Froggy, thanks for writing to me- and so many cute nicknames! yeah, it is hard to not "get better" fast enough. Sometimes, I feel guilty like, I'm doing stuff I know won't help so I must not want to get better, or I wouldn't do those things.
As for the starving comment, it seems to be something my T talks about often, amking this analogy between a starving child looking for food, who would maybe feel guilty if he found some crumbs and ate them. I have no idea why he is always saying this little story to me. I know he thinks that's me but there is something about it I just don't get.
It's amazing how much more normal and functional I feel today after just that little bit of contact with my T. All is ok with my world, even though I have a wretched flu, I feel a lot more able to take things on. Hope the feeling lasts. the only thing I have to worry about now, is this asking for a session thing, or taking a break thing. I feel so ashamed to ask for a session, but I kind of know I should. But T did say, maybe it seems like I would just want to see, if I can stand on my own without him for a little while, knowing all along that we will connect again afterwards...So I have to think. I'm also kind of confused, scared --is that what I am "supposed to do" and worried in that if I am a wreck after a week, what will happen with a longer break? I wonder if knowing contact isn't possible, I might force myself to pull myself together? I feel like I'm just beginning to reach out for a hand without so much fear and trembling, and maybe, he's just trying to push me a bit- It makes it so much even harder to ask for a session, kind of knowing my T would be prouder of me for trying this break thing. What should I do...
I'll figure it out. Thank you so much for all of the help and input ...I can't thank you all enough.
BB
Kashley...thanks for your encouragment to keep posting...I probably would have shut up a long time ago if it weren't for you doing that! I hope you will do the smae...I'm going over to check out your thread right now...
Thanks for kind and encouraging words, SG. It's always my big fear that I lied about how I was feeling just to get som attention or something. He says no, but it just really feels that way, I don't think I deserve for him to take time out and send me an email but I do feel a lot better, like my T isn't ditching me. I always think he's finally had it, this is it, this is the time he's going to just *stop* responding to me and start completely ignoring me until I will go away. But he never does.
Froggy, thanks for writing to me- and so many cute nicknames! yeah, it is hard to not "get better" fast enough. Sometimes, I feel guilty like, I'm doing stuff I know won't help so I must not want to get better, or I wouldn't do those things.
As for the starving comment, it seems to be something my T talks about often, amking this analogy between a starving child looking for food, who would maybe feel guilty if he found some crumbs and ate them. I have no idea why he is always saying this little story to me. I know he thinks that's me but there is something about it I just don't get.
It's amazing how much more normal and functional I feel today after just that little bit of contact with my T. All is ok with my world, even though I have a wretched flu, I feel a lot more able to take things on. Hope the feeling lasts. the only thing I have to worry about now, is this asking for a session thing, or taking a break thing. I feel so ashamed to ask for a session, but I kind of know I should. But T did say, maybe it seems like I would just want to see, if I can stand on my own without him for a little while, knowing all along that we will connect again afterwards...So I have to think. I'm also kind of confused, scared --is that what I am "supposed to do" and worried in that if I am a wreck after a week, what will happen with a longer break? I wonder if knowing contact isn't possible, I might force myself to pull myself together? I feel like I'm just beginning to reach out for a hand without so much fear and trembling, and maybe, he's just trying to push me a bit- It makes it so much even harder to ask for a session, kind of knowing my T would be prouder of me for trying this break thing. What should I do...
I'll figure it out. Thank you so much for all of the help and input ...I can't thank you all enough.
BB
Kashley...thanks for your encouragment to keep posting...I probably would have shut up a long time ago if it weren't for you doing that! I hope you will do the smae...I'm going over to check out your thread right now...
If it will be too painful to read of a good T, don't continue with this...
So, I had a littel wee emailing session with my T, over the past couple of days. I ended up actually asking for a session. I still feel "weak" for not taking a break, and kind of embarrassed. I was asking my T, how can I make a decision, and how it seems so much like a matter of right and wrong to me. I feel absolutely paralyzed by indecision when I *have* to be the one to make the decision. I wonder what that is all about?
My T was so good to me...he carefully helped me to realize, either decision is ok with him, he will not be mad or disappointed in me either way, and that it is perfectly ok for now to "just pick something." So, of course, if it is really ok to "just pick," well- then I would pick to see my dear T...which I did. And, when I did ask for a session, then he sent me such a kind email, that has really comforted and felt very healing all by itself. He just addressed all of my concerns so caringly. And even gave me an assignment to do, that he says may help me with my depression.
And, something that has bothered me for a long time, is that I sincerely thought that I "wasn't supposed" to talk about past events, since he so often says, healing can only happen in this present moment, and stuff like that. It's not true, but it always feels as if he is bored and uncaring or disgusted if I begin to talk about some of my old problems, old relationships. Only last session, it didn't feel that way, and I opened up a lot about an old relationship that ended and was so painful, good, but very painful. My T was so understanding and sympathetic, and related it all to my relationship with him and how all of that is from old unmet needs, the need to be seen and loved in a nurturing way and so on. I am trying to understand all of this, and I do understand on the intellectual level, a lot about it- but something here just isn't "clicking into place." For some reason.
The other concern that my T addressed, was that he makes the comment, that I am very open and clear in describing my inner chaos. So I just told him how embarrassed it makes me that he says that, because it makes me think I am making it all up if I can describe it so well. He explained to me, that one part of me is able to look at the other part of me or something like that, and that it's normal, and a skill that everybody has. phew, that was somehow just a huge relief, I can't say why, just a huge burden lifted. I always feel so guilty for being able to so clearly see what is going on inside of myself. He just blew my fears on that score right away, now I feel fine about it. I mean, that I feel like it's not "evil" of me. So sweet.
So, in my email I just mentioned all of this openly, my question about am I not supposed to talk about the past- and he has cleared it all up. He says that of course a lot of counseling is in dealing with past issues if they are still affecting us, and that we must talk about and relate them to the present, how it is affecting the present and so on. He said " I know it's confusing." I just felt very comforted by those words somehow. Just, he just, let's me be what I am and isn't mad about it. Now I know my T well enough, to fully recognize that this boredom or disgust with me when I talked about past events is absolutely not true, and I *know* this...but, it still really, really felt that way, and he often just seemed so disgusted annoyed or bored with me, back when I was going through all of that stuff with mistrusting him. (??) Now I just *know* it's not true. So, that is confusing...does that mean a lot of my feelings and perceptions that I am so certain of at the time, and that are so painful, are not even true? How can I ever trust myself or what I feel about others?
Anyway, my dear T, he is so gentle these days...I just am starting now to feel more, the intense pain of knowing that I will never meet him in person. It is really not something I am ready to feel the pain of, that it is almost too much right now. So, I am just enjoying the feeling that my T really cares about me, and I'm feeling really grateful to him. I told him that I was grateful to him for his email, and he even once again responded, saying some kind things. It's a peaceful feeling.
Thanks for listening...
Love,
BB
So, I had a littel wee emailing session with my T, over the past couple of days. I ended up actually asking for a session. I still feel "weak" for not taking a break, and kind of embarrassed. I was asking my T, how can I make a decision, and how it seems so much like a matter of right and wrong to me. I feel absolutely paralyzed by indecision when I *have* to be the one to make the decision. I wonder what that is all about?
My T was so good to me...he carefully helped me to realize, either decision is ok with him, he will not be mad or disappointed in me either way, and that it is perfectly ok for now to "just pick something." So, of course, if it is really ok to "just pick," well- then I would pick to see my dear T...which I did. And, when I did ask for a session, then he sent me such a kind email, that has really comforted and felt very healing all by itself. He just addressed all of my concerns so caringly. And even gave me an assignment to do, that he says may help me with my depression.
And, something that has bothered me for a long time, is that I sincerely thought that I "wasn't supposed" to talk about past events, since he so often says, healing can only happen in this present moment, and stuff like that. It's not true, but it always feels as if he is bored and uncaring or disgusted if I begin to talk about some of my old problems, old relationships. Only last session, it didn't feel that way, and I opened up a lot about an old relationship that ended and was so painful, good, but very painful. My T was so understanding and sympathetic, and related it all to my relationship with him and how all of that is from old unmet needs, the need to be seen and loved in a nurturing way and so on. I am trying to understand all of this, and I do understand on the intellectual level, a lot about it- but something here just isn't "clicking into place." For some reason.
The other concern that my T addressed, was that he makes the comment, that I am very open and clear in describing my inner chaos. So I just told him how embarrassed it makes me that he says that, because it makes me think I am making it all up if I can describe it so well. He explained to me, that one part of me is able to look at the other part of me or something like that, and that it's normal, and a skill that everybody has. phew, that was somehow just a huge relief, I can't say why, just a huge burden lifted. I always feel so guilty for being able to so clearly see what is going on inside of myself. He just blew my fears on that score right away, now I feel fine about it. I mean, that I feel like it's not "evil" of me. So sweet.
So, in my email I just mentioned all of this openly, my question about am I not supposed to talk about the past- and he has cleared it all up. He says that of course a lot of counseling is in dealing with past issues if they are still affecting us, and that we must talk about and relate them to the present, how it is affecting the present and so on. He said " I know it's confusing." I just felt very comforted by those words somehow. Just, he just, let's me be what I am and isn't mad about it. Now I know my T well enough, to fully recognize that this boredom or disgust with me when I talked about past events is absolutely not true, and I *know* this...but, it still really, really felt that way, and he often just seemed so disgusted annoyed or bored with me, back when I was going through all of that stuff with mistrusting him. (??) Now I just *know* it's not true. So, that is confusing...does that mean a lot of my feelings and perceptions that I am so certain of at the time, and that are so painful, are not even true? How can I ever trust myself or what I feel about others?
Anyway, my dear T, he is so gentle these days...I just am starting now to feel more, the intense pain of knowing that I will never meet him in person. It is really not something I am ready to feel the pain of, that it is almost too much right now. So, I am just enjoying the feeling that my T really cares about me, and I'm feeling really grateful to him. I told him that I was grateful to him for his email, and he even once again responded, saying some kind things. It's a peaceful feeling.
Thanks for listening...
Love,
BB