I'm sick with some kind of bug, worn out - physically and emotionally. I have a lot to do. Practical stuff to get done. However, I also do have some room in life right now to postpone it - i.e. it's not great to postpone the stuff I need to get done, but not the end of the world if I do. Just for a night. Tomorrow will deal with tomorrow (as I keep trying to tell myself.) In fact, my body is kinda screaming at me I have to stop and rest. I'm mad. I want to yell back. I'm not mad about being sick so much as I am mad about trying to let myself rest. I don't want to. Sick or not.

But I need to.

My head knows that my body is going to have a much harder time getting well if I don't just rest.

I'm terrible at self care.

I've gotten a little better at it, but admittedly, it's only out of an effort to try and chill my emotions as my T assures me it will do - and I want to be less of a mess so bad. It's not really out of a heart to actually be kind to myself. It's more out of a heart to "fix" me.

When I work with horses, I actually do much better with self care the next few days. Especially after one session where I visited one of the horses who was sick. I've noticed this a little with humans too. When I have to care and have compassion for another, somehow, I'm a little less hard on myself. Maybe it just gets my mind in a kinder mindset? Tonight I pampered my kitty - bought her some cat treats and scratched her back until she relaxed into cat oblivion. Somehow, that helped me stop being so mad, and slow down and "give in" to resting tonight.

Tonight I will "give in" at least physically rest, and try not to get so mad at myself about it. Will I ever let my mind and heart rest?

Makes me wonder if my getting mad at myself for resting isn't another kind of twisted defense mechanism. maybe?

I find this somewhat baffling that this would be such a mental battle for me. Does anyone else find self care terribly hard?