Hello Friends,
Just trying to get everything sorted out in my head before session tomorrow so just sort of journaling but feel free to commnet. Was reading some posts in here this week and came across some about ACOA and all the characteristics that follow us around for our whole life. It was like all the sudden I rememberd why I feel like complete crap most of the time. I remembered there is a reason that I suffer from depression, anxiety, shame, feeling no self worth, and why the thought of SI somehow seems to calm my mind. I remembered so many years ago when my T first taught me about all of this and I realized that there was a reason that I felt like a total nut case.
Somehow, recently I forgot all of that and just started assuming I was going crazy. I have been thinking alot about it and I realize now that I will forever struggle with these feelings and that they don't just go away b/c I don't live with the alcoholic anymore. I mean, how silly of me to think that. Especially since I visit my parents with my kids about once a week. And although the drinking is definately not as horrible as it used to be, it is still exisitant and just last week my Dad inflicted some of the behavior he used to inflict on me, onto my daughter.
No wonder, this last week I have felt like I am totally losing it. It brought up so many memories and feelings and its like I just didn't realize it and connect it all. It's almost like I feel that b/c I am no longer a "child" living in a home where I can't escape it that there is no reason that I should still be struggling and suffering from the consequences of it - like that means there is something wrong with me. Or I am not deserving of feeling like that. Like I need to just "get over it already" But it doesn't really ever go away does it? I will continue to struggle for the rest of my life and I just have to regain tools to manage it. I also came to the realization of why I don't share any of my struggles or true feelings with my husband. I realized that I am afraid that if he knows how I really feel inside (which is most of the time like an ugly, stupid, shameful, worthless piece of worm filled dog crap on the bottom of someones shoe) that he will "prey" on that...use it to his advantage to gain self confidence and control and a sense of power for himself and that he will use it to make me feel worse and weak. Thing is, this is a totally absurd conclusion to draw b/c my Hubby is the most genuine, generous, kind, gentle person I know and he would never do anything to hurt me. Then it hit me....this is exactly what my parents used to do.....use my shy, scared, shameful, awful ball of self guilt inside of me to their advantage and I am so afraid that if anyone knows, I mean really KNOWS that the ball is still there, they will try to do the same. Crazy as it sounds....I can't get past that. Even though I know rationally that he won't do that, I still cannot bring myself to reveal my feelings and struggles to him b/c something keeps telling me that he will do that - must be my self safe mechanism kicking in. Big problem though - feels like I am living a lie with him. I feel like he has no idea who I really am and where I come from.
My biggest fear.....I am so afraid that in my attempt to survive the awfulness inside of me that I will end up being just like my parents. Hard as I try...I see myself continuously falling into patterns of self medicating to feel "normal" and if I can't gain control of that, I will be just like them and inflict the same pain on my kids that they did me and I can't handle that. So I've got to get it together. I've got to figure it out. I've got to work through it. Even if that means seeking out a new therapist (referring to my "Is she hurting me or helping me" post.....man oh man. I don't know if I am ready for this.....