TN, I hope you are doing ok. Let me just say, how brave of you to tackle any of this. Really, any of it....therapy in the first place, now a therapy relationship as with your first T.

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Now I'm really scared it was a mistake to be so open and honest with him. And what if I'm horribly wrong? What if he is saying "what a conceited b***h that she could think I care for her so much that this would happen. What if he is sitting there laughing his backside off reading all that I wrote to him and he just throws the letter into the shredder?

Remember how easy it is to get sucked into the vortex of self doubt? I trust as I think you did when you wrote and mailed this letter (as your new T did) that it was what was the right thing for you. I am learning in my own life that I cannot control how others percieve things. He may get the letter and act and react the exact way you would hope, he may not. If he doesn't remember, that reaction has nothing to do with you, it has to do with him. If he does react the way you hope, remember that too is about him, not you. I have come to believe that nothing others do is because of me. I have caused myself a lot of suffering...a LOT of suffering believing that the actions of some where because of me and I am starting to see that many times, regardless of how "perfect" I can set things up to be....I get the same reactions...so it isn't about me, it is about them! Please try and hold on to that, for me it helps me to love myself and to be sure of myself a bit more when I pull myself out of the "what did I do wrong" cycle and realize that many times...most times...it isn't even about me. So, after this rambling paragraph, please know, especially with all that has happened, that how old T reacts to your letter will be because of whatever old T is thinking/doing/feeling. It will not be because of you!

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And then to add to my mood, I have been reading over the last 3 nights all 500+ typewritten pages of my journal over the passt 2.5 years. And in reading this I have realized so clearly what I have lost. It is an immense loss. Unless I journaled while being in total delusion, we had a very close, intimate and yes, loving relationship. We shared so much and had so many wonderful sessions. We had our share of disruptions and repairs and we laughed a lot and struggled and he told me so many wonderful things. He was so very complimentary to me and would tell me how honored and privileged he was that I allowed him to work with me and how fortunate he was that I decided to trust him with my story. That I was remarkable, delightful, charming, strong, smart, funny, gentle, awesome, poignant, wonderful mother, special, important.... etc. These were HIS words about me. So what the hell happened to us. There was really nothing out of the ordinary that led up to his announcing that I needed to see another T for my own benefit. For my own good.

TN...Just for the record...I don't think that you were delusional. Based on what you say, I believe that you did have a close, intimate, and loving relationship and I would ask that you make a decision right now to believe that to. And if anyone, even old T, would say that you didn't, that doesn't matter. YOU are the only one that experienced that relationship. You were the only one on the other side of the therapy chair, so NO ONE, experienced that except you. I will also tell you that I think your old T was remarkable in that he recognized that you are remarkable, delightful, charminng, strong, smart, funny, gentle, awesome, poignant, wonderful mother, special, important. Regardless of what may have went haywire in all of this, I am so happy that he saw that in you as I think many of us on this board have recognized in the time we've known you.

Lastly, my heart is aching when I think of what you are going through. I wish there was something more I could do. Know that I'm thinking of you....Hals.

Thank you BG for rooting for me. It's so hard to hold onto the good from my T because of the way it ended ... so horribly and then how he has behaved towards me in the past few months. Not talking to me unless someone else was with us, not taking my calls or answering emails. If this was only about his thinking I was better off with a trauma T why would he behave like this towards me and my little boy? Nothing makes sense. So when I try to think of the good in our relationship it just freaks me out and causes me so much pain that I have to run from it and deny it because it makes no sense and I can't take it in. New T is helpful in that he validates what I have gone through and how serious it was. Actually, he made me see that it was even more serious and egregious than I had thought originally.

Hals thanks for your response and your support. And for saying I'm not delusional. I know you and many others would do all you could to take away this pain from me and I appreciate it. I struggle to believe any of the good things that my T said to me because if he really thought that or felt that about me then he would want to keep me around him and not banish me from his sight. And I just keep going around and around in circles wondering what I did or what I said to make him so suddenly change his feelings about me. What could I have done differently to make this a better ending. And how long has my T wanted to get rid of me while I was sitting there pouring out my heart to him? It makes me feel quite humiliated to think of these things. I was so trusting and I believed him and he badly betrayed me. It was bad enough having to terminate but to do so abruptly, with police involvement and then banishment from his sight... it's just been so hard to maintain any kind of self-esteem as I go through all of this. Thank you Hals for being there for me.

Draggers!! Thank you for coming out of your break to write to me. You alwayss say such nice things to me about being brave and strong. I felt that it was okay to write the letter based on NewT's idea but now I'm feeling so afraid of what he is thinking of me.

I don't know why I have not given up and I'm not sure anymore what I am fighting for or why. It's been pretty hopeless so far and each time there is communication from him I burst into tears and have to leave work or run home from wherever I am. Yes I am glad that I wrote to him and said all those things that I have been holding bottled up inside of me for months but I so much wanted to say these things to his face and to see his reaction to my thoughts and feelings. I suppose this was the only option left to me. Banishment is worse than death.

I know you understand the pain of losing a T that you feel close to and have shared so much with and who you loved. The pain is unspeakable. It hurts so much it cannot be described in words. I'm sorry you had to endure this loss as well. I hope things are going well for you and new T. I know I have a good newT but as you say it will never be the same. The loss is huge. I know I should be thankful I finally found a newT who gets all of this but I'm also very afraid that he will decide I'm too much trouble and leave me too. He says he won't terminate me but my old T said that too and wrote it down and told me over and over again and then he threw me out. How can I ever believe anyone again? How do I know who I can trust?

And yes, Draggers.... there but for the grace of G-d go any of us....it can happen so unexpectedly and in a flash your life is never the same ever again.

Thank you for all the hugs and love. Sending the same back to you. I hope you are okay and can at some point write to us and tell us how you are doing.

TN

TN,

I think it took an amazing amount of courage to send that letter and get it all out there. Of course I hope that he responds and in a way that offers you some sort of closure. I know this has been beyond painful for you and I'm so sorry for that.

I agree with the others that I don't think that you misinterpreted the way you related to your T all that time when things went well. I think your relationship was very real and special and it definitely should not have ended the way that it did. Even if you never hear back from him, the positive things that you had in the relationship are still yours to keep. I am so happy that you have newT to help you navigate all of this pain and confusion.