oh lizzygirl, this is a hard one. I finally had to tell my T that I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall, wanting something I can never have. I'm not sure I really like the suggestions that he has made to you but maybe he's trying to help you get past the transference stuff? Let's see how he reacts to you. If he tells you he will take you away, run for the hills. If he tries to help you negotiate your emotions, then I'd say it'd be helpful to stay and try to sort it all out.

Does he normally reply to your texts? When do you see him next?

Hi lizzygirl,
I hope he doesn't take the bait, although it is my belief you should be able/allowed to offer it without having to fear his taking it- if that makes sense! And then you should be able to talk about how it makes you feel..

Why do you think he sent you an article that would tell you to ask him how he feels about you? I'm just wondering. It's fine if you wnat to know how he feels about working with you as a client, is he ok with it- or maybe, in some cases, if you need him to tell you what he thinks about your case or stuff that's come up- but not how he feels about you as in, does he think you are good-looking, does he think you are attractive, does he like being with you or stuff like that. That wouldn't be helpful, I wouldn't think, for your healing- in my very unschooled opinion. However you need to be able to talk freely about how you feel about him, without having to worry that he will "take the bait." Not too many people would be able to resist it if their T's really actually offered to take us away with them. I think I can say that pretty confidently. So I hope he is helping you, because you need support and for *your needs* to come first- not to be used.

I think it was a shame that he used the example about going away as he did, however, it was likely a professional error and not something he meant to follow through on. Which- even though it doesn't feel like it probably- is actually in the long run a good thing. He would really hurt you if he crossed a boundary like that. I hope this isn't too hard to hear...I don't know your whole story, so take it with a few shakes of salt, as everyone's therapy situation is pretty different.

hugs, nice to see you-

BB

Oh, sorry, lizzygirl- maybe I misunderstood- did you mean that you wanted to explore the transference feelings you are having, and that he wouldn't take the bait?

I don't think he is going to say much about this in an email. If he does have feelings for you and was somewhat serious about taking you away, he's got to at least be smart enough to not put that in writing. That is career suicide for him.

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Oh Lizzygirl, WTF??? I'm not sure I am hearing anything therapeutic in that response. I don't even know where to start except to suggest that you find a new therapist. But maybe you should go on a few consults and get some professional opinions because obviously I don't know you or your therapist or a lot about therapy, really.

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Hrm...that response kind of put me on red alert. Even if T is NOT talking about you, he should be aware that in the context you might interpret it that way and to draw you along in your own feelings (which he should be aware of) is inappropriate, in my opinion. I think at least a consult with another T would be a good idea.

I'm blunt and this may not be what you want to hear and it may rub you the wrong way and it may even make me unpopular here for being so direct, but I am going to say it anyway.

I think your T is playing mind games with you.

I think you are in danger of being harmed.

I think you are in bad hands.

I think your T is unhealthy.

I think you need to seek a consult from another T immediately.

WTF? the reactor system sentence?? Can anyone take a stab at that???

He's trying to be principled so as not to do anything with you that he might want to????

keeping his blessed feelings from trying to overrun the system???? WTF????

Okay, I don't care if he's very smart. That's asking too much lizzygirl. Therapy should be direct, IMO.

Agree with LG on everything.

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as many thought as possible, Lizzygirl? Here are mine:

Even if you really do not want to leave him, you should consult another T, just to get their opinion. I see red flags all over the place, and I fear that although you say he has never harmed you, that point might not be far away if you let him.
We all know how much we will 'ignore' because we are (too) attached to our Ts, but I've learned how valuable it can be that other people here on this forum can and will give you their objective opinions. Please take all the wise advice from the people who have replied above into consideration...

take care,
May

Lizzy, I too am deeply concerned about this response. Who knows what it means, but whatever it means, it is very much about *him* and his feelings - which he compares to a *broken nuclear reactor*. Nothing could say it clearer. You need to get out of there, honey. I'm sorry to say this, and I know you don't want to - in fact I think probably a part of you is delighted to feel this intimacy of sharing about his feelings with you. That is understandable, but in fact by doing this your T is setting you up to abuse your trust and your vulnerability. Well and truly. You are really in harm's way here.

You have my support, whatever you do. Please keep posting your thoughts. Please also get a consultation as soon as you can with someone else. Even if it's by email or phone.

love,
Jones

I'm just wondering what he has dodged??? He's dodged another one???

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Lizzygirl,

I too am very concerned about things you have posted about your T. I'm wondering if he meant that he had dodged really and truly answering your question which to me is a red flag. He should have made it abundantly clear to you that your relationship is a professional one and that you can not have anything beyond that.

quote:

Please tell me how I will be directly harmed?

I think you could be harmed if he tries to cross any boundaries because I don't think from what I've read that you will be able to say no. It isn't your responsibility to do so as you are the one seeking therapy and you are vulnerable. He should be holding those boundaries and he isn't. The drive to win his affection, approval and attention is strong and that is where you will be harmed because you won't be able to tell him no.

quote:

Originally posted by lizzygirl:
Please tell me how I will be directly harmed?
Because I'm kept in the dark sometimes not understanding him? I think he was trying to say he could tell me what he "likes" about me
because it would not be ethical. And then he throws into the mix the world events and how lucky we are to not be affected by them.

Lizzy,

First let me just apologize if it feels at all like we are ganging up on you. I can't speak for everyone, but I can say that for me, my bluntness and directness is simply because I am alarmed by Ts behavior and I am concerned for your welfare.

To answer your question about how you are being harmed. I feel that your T has put ideas into your head about going away with him. If he was serious about it, that is unethical in and of itself. If he was not being serious, I find this to be irresponsible behavior from a T who should know better than to put ideas out there which could so easily be misinterpreted by a client.

Additionally, I feel that his vague, mystical, and mysterious answer to your question not only avoids answering your question entirely, but again, it leaves so much to be misinterpreted. To be completely blunt here...I find his response to be bizarre and something someone who is not mentally healthy would say. I feel that he is being harmful by playing mind games with you, sending you down a path of putting a lot of energy into having to decode his vague and often inappropriate comments when you should be putting your energy into YOU.

I am basing these judgements on very limited information here, so I admit that I may be way off base in my interpretation and to be honest, I certainly hope that is the case.

Nevertheless, given the information I have so far, I stand firm that I do not feel you are in good hands with this T.

With that being said, I do not want to discourage you in any way from sharing further information about your T. I don't want you to fear being judged, I don't want you to be concerned that we are judging YOU. I encourage you to continue to post here, and I apologize if I come across as harsh. I know I can be a bit blunt and direct and I don't sugar coat things but it is only because I am deeply concerned for your well-being.

Lizzy, I feel that though it may not hit home for awhile, he likely has already harmed you. Whether he is playing mind games due to some perverted power trip, or whether he is selfishly giving in to an attraction to you to fulfill his own unmet needs, it can only end badly. My hunch is that either you will feel tricked and teased by this man whom you trusted and adored, or you will feel used and taken advantage of due to the power differential. Either way it is a betrayal of your needs to satisfy his own. I feel so bad for the hurt he has and may continue to cause you. I realize that leaving him at this point will not be done without pain. Part of that pain will be giving up his intoxicating leads in exchange for a temporary loneliness. Perhaps another T can ease some of this for you if you do decide to leave.

Dear Lizzy,

I think the others describe the situation really well here and I want to back up the comments you've had so far.

The other thing that really shouts out at me is that you asked him for feedback about *you*, which he should have been able to give you as your T, and instead he spoke in strange and provocative ways about *himself*. This is the thing - his suggestions to you feel flattering, because like most clients you want your therapist to be personally affected by you, but this kind of suggestion is actually *all about him*. It is deeply narcissistic and deeply dangerous for him to expose you to emotions of his own that he is not in control of - or the suggestion of those emotions - and that is exactly what he does in his message, and even what he *says* he is in danger of in his message. He should NOT be exposing you to this idea as his client. By even mentioning it he is using you like his own therapist. He is using you for his own narcissistic purposes. And although you don't yet know how you are harmed by this, somewhere your unconscious will have got the message loud and clear that you are not safe with him. That is his message.

The other thing I want to say too is that although what you describe here would be enough to make me cry danger on its own, I am also remembering other times when he has not treated you well - not communicating well about his trips away, giving you the very confusing present of the bottle of wine. This is part of a bigger pattern.

I too am being blunt here, and part of the reason I'm being blunt is that I think this situation is very unhealthy for you, and the other part is that I know how extremely hard it is to even hear that the situation is unhealthy when part of you - a needy and also a deserving part - is being flattered in this way. You *do* deserve love and care, Lizzy. You deserve it from someone who can treat you safely, someone who has their own crap under control. He is showing he is not that person.

Again, whatever you choose to do from here, you have my support and I hope you will keep talking about it here. I won't continue to 'bang the drum', unless you ask for specific feedback on things, but if there is any other way I or we can help you with your decisions at this point please just ask.

Love,
Jones

quote:

Originally posted by Liese:
I'm just wondering what he has dodged??? He's dodged another one???

I was wondering the same thing. What came to mind for me was that he dodged another day of acting on his counter-transference.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking LG.

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Lizzygirl,

That's awesome that you asked him for clarification. That's an excellent starting place. And I agree with the others that he should be able to tell you what he likes about you. I recently asked my T what my strengths are and he gave me a list. It was nice.

Good luck Lizzy, keep asking him questions and keep posting!!! And think about a consult.

Me thinks the midwestern girl, in therapy 3.5 years is very smart.

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No, I don't get to see session notes. I never see T write anything. I don't even know if he has notes.

T writes notes occasionally, but is usually mostly focused on me in session. He doesn't share them with me. I bet he would if I asked. He makes notes all over my journal entries. He once said I could read from the copies he has in his office if I was willing to read out loud, but "then you would see my notes," which he was saying I might not want to, as I have a tendency to feel evaluated.

I never see my session notes but T2 writes down literally everything I say. I am amazed at her ability to be so totally present with me and maintain eye contact and convey empathy all the while she is writing frantically everything I am saying.

I do not think T1 takes notes, but I can't see her since its on the phone but I do not recall her ever taking notes when I met with her in high school.