Hi Auntie Crash and welcome to the group. Looking forward to getting to know you.

I just wanted to link you to this thread that I started not so long ago on the topic of inner child work and I got some wonderful responses. Hope you find them helpful.

TN

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...09181/m/759008298001

Thank you TN! Yes, I had already read the thread and found it very helpful! The reason I started this one was it sounds like you've been going through quite a challenging time lately, so didn't know if it would be continued. Sorry...still getting the hang of being part of this forum.

It really, really helps me to know others are doing this type of work, too. I know therapy isn't a contest to see who's hurting the most (as my T keeps reminding me) but sometimes it helps to be able hear (or dare I say "compare") what others are going thru and how they're handling/coping with things.

Hope you're starting to feel better, TN!!

I am really glad you posted this. I too have been desperate to share experiences of other people doing inner child work. I am in my 6 th year of therapy ( this time round) and have reached emotions I never knew I had. This has all been facilitated through my t allowing me to sit close. I sit with my back to my t on the floor at her feet, and at the beginning this step took forever to achieve, from then on it has been a slow process of being able to accept more touch, she has done some massage, and some cranial stuff, and through the touch I have encountered more and more emotions. I never cried before therapy, and I never got angry, now I am in a permanent emotional roller coaster which has replaced the disassociating I used to do. I wish I could get back to disassociating but that is impossible these days.
I have tried sand tray, but this was overwhelmingly difficult, because I have a very loud nasty voice that ridicules everything I do.
Even though I manage to sit down on the floor, I still get the really derisive voice saying " look at yourself, you're 47", when we have a break the critic gets a real foot in again persuading me that I would be better off stopping, and that the whole thing is ridiculous, and yet I still go back because my little one is desperate for the contact, even tho I know it will be really painful after the session.
I find it really difficult to remember all the things she says about why therapy is good for me, and I find it difficult to see the progress when I just feel utterly miserable most of the time.
I am hoping this forum will give me a place to share and get a sense of ' normal for therapy' because it is such an intense and private process - you have to really trust, which is more than just trusting...I tank I trust her, but then there are things I cannot say, so do I really trust her?
Anyway, I imagine we will share more of our experiences over time, hope reading my experiences helps you as much as my reading yours helped me.
Crootie

Hi Crootie,

I'm so glad to hear that you're attempting to connect with your inner li'l ones. From my experience, this type of work is NOT for sissies (for lack of a better term).

Regarding trusting your T. I used to think along the same lines - ie., do I really trust her? The answer for me is it happens in stages. It's only after 3 yrs of doing really intense work with her that I'm able to even consider bringing up certain things with her now. You will know when the time is right. The key thing is not to rush the process...and trusting is a process all unto itself.

After ~15 yrs of numbing my feelings with copious amounts of alcohol, it took my actually being physically sick to my stomach at the thought of trusting her enough to let her help me. And, that was just trusting her at the very basic level!

When I first started working on what I thought were the simplest of things, the feelings afterwards would send me into such a tailspin, I ended up under the covers for 2 and 3 days afterwards. That was the only place I felt safe. Again, because I'm very visual, it was like every nerve ending was exposed and not even the gentlest of salve could sooth them. I was totally convinced I would always react that way. I mean, if I couldn't handle even what I thought were the smallest of things with her, I didn't have a hope in hell in uncovering and working on the deeper stuff. Well, I'm very happy to report I made it thru that part of the dark tunnel. I feel the changes happening within me. I call it my internal weather system. Ya know, the map they flash up on the news screen behind the weatherman when he's giving his forecast? I feel the crappy stuff but I also the calmness between the weather systems. Some of it happens after doing inner child work. Sometimes, I can have so many lightbulbs going off, I feel like a bloody Xmas tree! But, that's the healthy changes happenin'. The next time my li'l one draws a pic or writes something in her diary, it actually hurts just a weeeee bit less. The grown-up me can tolerate it more. I can go weeks and/or months without doing any inner child work and then BANG! I'll get an unbelieveably strong urge to write in her language or draw what she's feeling and it's like, "so THAT's what's been brewing, eh, li'l one?! Thank you so much for showing me". Usually when that happens, the tears are instantaneous and am flooded. The adult me still thinks, "seriously? And this is good for both of us HOW exactly??!". But, ya know what? I do feel that broken/hurt/damaged part start to heal. That's progress! May be at a snail's pace sometimes, but it's still progress.

Sorry for being so long winded, Crootie, but I just wanted to share what it's been like for me up until now. PPUUULLLLEEEZZZZ continue to share your experience(s), as well. I really look forward o hearing them.

Auntie Crash

I have ever done any of that writing with the other hand stuff...not sure how that would feel? And I seem to be able to access more feelings, which is good, but I have a session tomorrow, and I am feeling sick to the stomach.
The bit that really bugs me ( actually most bits bug me) is that in between sessions I am a full time teacher, and I have to be really adult, but when I go to see my t I can't find my adult. She just about manages to drive me there, and then she's gone, and a really truculent teenager has taken her place. And then when I leave I often feel really great for a couple of hours because I have let some of the pressure off, and have been able to receive some nurture, only to wake up the next morning craving contact with her. She says I can text, and so I do, but I know what her replies will be...and I think how does her reply help? If I know what she is going to reply why text in the first place! It's just one long battle.
I managed to write about some abuse stuff, and went through several agonies deciding what to do, and now I have delivered it, because I knew that by tomorrow there is no way that I would want to say any of the stuff I wrote - I guess that why I feel sick, because I can't avoid it now. And I know ( my adult) knows she will be ok, but my inner child is scared to death that she will be shamed for what she wrote - so if my t isn't going to shame me, then it is me that is doing the self shaming, and yet I can't control those feelings. When I was wriitng any physical touch from my son or partner made me flinch really badly, and I just have to think of some of the words I wrote, and it makes me flinch - still after all this time.
I get the bit about it taking a long time to sort because it took a long time to get to where I needed therapy in the first place, but it isn't through lack of wanting to address these issues - I just can't.anyway thanks for all your replies. I will keep looking at other posts too, and sharing anything I hope might help.

Well, it seems my inner li'l one is in the drivers' seat yet again. As much as I try, she's not talking, yet the adult me continues to get triggered and it takes a few days to climb out of the deep dark pit. I had an unplanned appt with T yesterday cuz I had left her an extremely panicked v/m last Fri. She says the voice she heard was of li'l one. It feels like she's controlling whether the adult me can trust someone enough to even start to get close to, let alone be intimate with. I can't express how paralyzing, isolating and lonely that makes me feel. My T's take on it she's putting up this humongous granite like wall as I start to trust T more. These feelings are overwhelming at times and are testing my 4+ yrs of sobriety. T suggests really "listening" to what li'l one is trying to tell me but I'll be damned if I know what that is. Very frustrating. Anyone have suggestions on what fun activity I can do with li'l one? That's what T thought might help...

Just realized that because an email issue I've had with my provider, my last message was posted as "The Kid" instead of Auntie Crash. They're one and same but will be posting under "The Kid" from now as the other email address will no longer be supported. Sorry for the confusion!

Welcome to both of you, "The Kid" and Crootie!

So great to have you here! I think I joined close to the same time as you both so am also new on the block. I sure appreciate your honest sharing. While I have used "parts" language for my inner children in my posts, it's essentially a different way of explaining inner children for those of us with dissociation. Whatever the language used, I so hear you both about the really young little ones and how they can be in such anguish and pain at times. When they decide to surface, it can be very much some of the most intense emotions experienced.

In my journey, like you, I find I need tangible avenues for my processing, and have also used dialoguing and drawing with the non-dominant hand, which have been very effective for me. It is amazing what can birth that way (and also how powerful it can be in terms of helping my inner kids express themselves). I also have used stuffed animals to represent my inner kids--they are huggable, soft, and absorb the tears perfectly--and I can't imagine how I would have survived some intense sessions without them (yes, I take all three to T with me).

So, here's one idea of something I tried to get in touch with an inner kid (ik), who was close to the surface but really afraid to fully expose herself. I had had a tough session in which T and I realized that while this ik was typically happy-go-lucky and carefree, that that was really a protective cover for the deep pain she felt inside. As we neared the end of the session and I really wanted to help the ik feel safe, T had a brilliant idea. One thing about this ik I knew was that she loves food, especially pizza and ice cream. So, T looks at me and says, "Mmmm..why don't you take her out for ice cream?!" I just started grinning!

I get in the car with ik on my lap (stuffed animal rep) and head straight to the store. OK, here I am at 52, trying to lose weight (so I rarely indulge in this stuff), and I head to the ice cream isle. I feel like the little kid who is sneaking around so mom won't see. But, I AM mom here, and internally reassure ik and say---"What the hell! Let's splurge and get pizza too!!" So, I got the pizza, got the ice cream AND chocolate fudge sauce for on top (what my ik really wanted), and headed home. My husband looks at me as I walk in all smiling, and I just murmur, "Forget the diet, OK, and just trust my process and T here!" OMG! Besides everything being so yummy, guess what happened? IK came out!


I think the key here was really being attuned to that ik, their age, and what they loved. So, be creative, listen to your gut, and have fun!!

Thanks Amber. Yes, I've done some writing/drawing using my non-dominant hand and what came out was extremely powerful. Right now, the adult me is actually feeling scared and intimidated by li'l one's fear, pain and anger. It's too much for her to handle on her own but she can't let go of any of it. This feels so confusing, like there's a monster lurking just beneath the surface. Until it's dealt with, we can't get on with business of living a fuller life. On nights like tonight, I take both of us and cuddle in bed with Patches...my very vocal but huggable putty tat. Tomorrow's another day and maybe I can entice li'l one to have an ice cream cone. She's pretty cagey and leery of these types of things...

((TK)) i know how huge and scary these feelings can be.
From what I've read, and from personal experience, I think our adult self has to be able to manage the feelings for them to fully emerge from our younger self. If adult self is overwhelmed it can be scary to the little ones inside. So keep talking to T about it and as you get better at managing your own feelings in your adult self, your little ones will pop up more often xx

!!! Had a very brief but possible breakthrough with li'l one tonight!

I had an unplanned appt with T on Wed and during that session, that very dark place in my core was touched. (To help put things into context, I had a very traumatic early start. By that I mean I lost both my biological parents when I was approx 6 months old and was put in a not-so-nice orphanage run by nuns (mid 1960s). According to my adoptive parents, I was taken out for a "test drive" when I was about 2 only to be taken back after six months because I was too hard to handle - gee, wonder why?? All that's to say feelings of abandonment are huge triggers for me.)

Anyway, my T brought the subject up and whenever that happens, it touches that large hole in my core/heart/tummy. Up until now, I've been assuming I need to say or give something to li'l one to help make her feel better. Because my adoptive parents aren't the most understanding and are from the "old school of thinking", being patient with feelings isn't one of their strong suits, so I don't instinctively know what li'l one wants or needs in that regard. Well, while sitting on the couch and watching tv tonight, my tummy started to feel really sick and I started to cry. With tears pouring down my face, I started to rock back and forth and actually "felt" li'l one in my lap hanging on for dear life! This is NOT my imagination!!! I felt closer to li'l one tonight than I ever have. I think I just figured out she doesn't want to hear words from me, she wants (but more importantly needs) me to just hold and rock her and not get mad for feeling this way! How do I feel now? Utterly wrung out!

Hi Kid.

Just wanted to say that I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. After feeling terribly let down by my T, I was crying/sobbing and found myself telling "inner child" that she did not have to ever go back to T again if she didn't want to. Well, that only made me cry harder, and I wrapped my arms around myself to hold in the crying...and at that moment actually "felt" the child me (felt a small child in my arms). It was an amazing moment, especially for someone like me who had previously pooh-poohed the whole "little girl within" idea.

I wish you and the li'l one comfort as you go forward.

RabbitEars

Thanks so much for this RE! It really helps me to know others here can relate to what happens and how it feels when it does! I think part of it also has to do with the fact T is going on vacation for two weeks starting next Fri. I have one more appt with her on Tues and part of me wants to cancel but I won't. From past experience, difficult things happen when she's away and that's when li'l one really comes out. I only hope I can better handle what does come up. Being able to post here will help, I'm sure. Thanks for reading.

Hi Kid.
I'm sorry about your upcoming T break. Those are tough.

It has been surprisingly helpful for me to talk to the inner child (keep her company) during T absences or rupture. It makes "me" feel more grown-up/stable ? I'm not sure how that works, but I'm happy for any kind of relief.

No words here can suffice other than to say I totally relate and get little one inside just needing to feel your heartbeat and gentle holding

Li'l one is in so much pain, I don't know how else to help her. Is holding her enough? It feels like that's all she wants right now, so I guess it is. I don't have any kids of my own, so I feel very inept. Li'l one can't talk because things just hurt too much.

I am very moved by your experience...it feels very validating,even tho it is so painful. I know my little one is there in me because I hear her cries - i didnt know a grown woman could cry like a newborn - but I have still struggled to nurture her. My T keeps contact with me, but lately I have found her words really difficult to connect with, so now she just sends my little one smiles each day...seems that's what she needs right now.
My T also off on another break, I always have really rage ful sessions before and after a break - it amazes me what my T will endure!
Take care TK over the break. :-)

My T's upcoming vacation is weighing quite heavily on my mind. As hard as it was to not dive and stay under the covers all day, I literally had to force my a** out the front door. I could feel the inevitable panic attack setting in and li'l one's flood of tears just beneath the surface. When it gets to this point, the desire to drink becomes unbearable at times. As painful as it is to go thru this during my sobriety, I cannot allow myself to go back to drinking enough to black out almost every night. It's funny, because as I was driving to a friend's BBQ, tears were pouring down my face. When I came to an intersection, I suddenly felt li'l one sitting on my lap, hugging me. I actually said out loud, "it's ok li'l one, I'm here. We're going to be okay". It feels like she's finally trusting me enough to let me comfort her as my T's break looms closer. It doesn't seem to take much to get triggered, panic to set in and a flood of tears to start rolling no matter where I am. But, I feel like I can at least handle physically comforting li'l one just by simply holding her when she appears. At the risk of jinxing it at this extremely early stage, I breathlessly say I made a small step forward today. I'll take it.