Lately I've been trying to work out what pattern emerges when I go through certain moods that stunt me so much emotionally that I cannot even work.

It all started out about 3 years ago when I was working in a call centre. A friend had advised me to watch a conspiracy documentary based on such topics as the illuminati, new world order etc. Long story short, watching the documentary must have triggered me bad because I started seeing the world as a negative, secretive, black market type place. I started becoming addicted to these conspiracy theories and the idea of 'big brother'. My world view because so negative that it pervaded on everything.

By coincidence of this, I was interested in someone who had the same intense attraction to me and was almost obtainable but not quite. She'd decided to remain with her gf and this really did hit me hard.

Put two and two together coupled with my capacity to really over analyze things to the core and my mother convincing me that I'm a 'born intellectual of super intelligence' and I spun out slowly into this web of inability to delay gratification, impulse holidays, debts, creative frustration and indecision.

I'm trying now, to work out why I seem to get so worked up and confused about how I see the world. Often I cannot understand the intricacies of how we live. I cannot develop my own set of moral standards because I see the world as so intertwining and complicated that it seems almost impossible to even think of the idea of a developed moral when there is so much roping going on. The more I read philosophy on certain things or even a paragraph on a political idea, it can spin me out and my whole perception of how I see the world, connected to what I do and connected to how I view myself goes right out the window. Then I experience complete loss it seems. I don't know how to conduct my life, what is good, what is not...

I tend to really look inward at myself to try and grasp what I'm about. At the same time, I'll look outward and understand other people and what makes them tick and then compare myself and how I fit into all this and society's ideals of life and then...I get overwhelmed. And it's at that moment where I could pass it all off in one instant. I could say 'I hate society, I hate it all' and disregard everything I wanted to learn or did learn. It's then that I feel like a clean slate and it can be seen in my habits when I get into this mood because I minimize my possessions a LOT and start cleaning things out. I'll get rid of clothes that 'define' me in anyway so that now I have a very plain wardrobe; I have two pairs of jeans and all my tops are either grey, black or white.

Other times I will feel that I 'fit in' and then this is where everything overwhelms me in a different way. I suddenly find EVERYTHING interesting. I cannot comprehend what I like and what I don't like because I like it all! In those times I am very indecisive because there's too many options for me which overwhelms me more and then depresses me because I see people around me at least having a slight clue of what they want but with myself, it changes almost daily.

I would like to know what you make of this. I am considering having a mental health assessment because it seems that I'm never really content. But then, oh no, I ask what contentment really means and what it means to be a content human being and off we go again...the analyzing. It's at those moments that I have to picture the big 'STOP!' sign in my head to calm my thoughts down.

It's just constant though. My procrastination and motivation is affected by this intense, preoccupied thinking and I just can't tell what it is; BPD, bipolar, clinical depression. I don't know anymore

Does anyone go through the same mindful intensity? Or what do you think could be going on here? I'm really at a loss half the time and because my moods change in this way, I don't trust myself in even developing an opinion on things. Not if it changes all so much, and all so suddenly ...