Hi QG,

quote:

Does anyone else struggle like this?

BWWWAHHHAAHHHAAAAAAHAHHHA! That's me hysterical with laughter since for me what you describe has been the heart of the work I've done in therapy. My work with my current T has been one long struggle to allow myself to feel my emotions, and then learn to express them. When everything in me is screaming that I'm doing something really dangerous. I spent the first year I worked with him convinced that he thought I was the world's biggest pain in the @$$ combined with the world's whiniest drama queen. And you don't want to know how much time I've spent crying in sessions. I mean, I actually think my T should tack on a tissue surcharge.

Here's what I figured out was going on for me as we've worked through my feelings and memories. Expressing my emotions as a child were met with at best being ignored and at worst either being in trouble or being abused because I sought comfort. Combine that with the fact that since no one was teaching me how to handle my emotions (some of which were really overwhelming) and emotions became something to be avoided. Essentially my limbic system learned that having feelings led to being in pain, in the same way you learn not to touch a hot burner twice. Only this lesson was repeated and repeated. Until I was unconsciously refusing to feel most of my emotions let alone express them. Of course that led to a lot of maladaptive behaviors in order to avoid being in situations where I might have strong feelings combined with an absolutely obscene amount of food used to keep them pushed down.

So those horrible feelings you're getting of your therapist thinking horrible things about you? That's your mind's attempt to keep you from going near things that signal "DANGER STAY AWAY" How we heal is to walk into the center of the fear, again and again, and have something different happen, until we can learn that expressing our emotions to a caring other actually makes good things happen.

My T once told me that I had learned that relationships bring pain, but never that they also bring comfort. It has taken him a long time, and an immense amount of patience, and no little courage on my part, to teach me different.

Its hard and unbelieveably painful, there were so many times I wanted to quit, threatened to quit, asked myself "how could this agony possibly be worth it." But it is. There's another side where you learn that what you are is acceptable and even beautiful. That life is fuller when you can feel and express your emotions. That expressing those emotions leads to the absolutely necessary connection to other human beings. You reach a place where who you are is a good thing and you don't have to constantly guard yourself.

So, keep working at trusting the good things. Keep talking to your T about your fears of what he's thinking. And keep reminding yourself that you don't need to try to impress him. By just walking through the door and being willing to show yourself is an act of unspeakable bravery that many people can't bring themselves to face. You don't have to try to be impressive, you already are.

AG

quote:

I cry a lot in sessions but the deep, gut-wrenching sobs have only struck a couple of times and those were horrifying moments. I start thinking about how booger-y I'm getting...

I hate that because I become obsessed with wiping the snot from smearing across my face and worrying that my T is going to be totally grossed out, or that I am going to suffer the humiliation of this lingering, persistant, little booger stuck to the end of my nose for the rest of the session and she never tells me. I hope she would tell me. I've told her when she has something (yogurt, toothpaste) on her blouse before. I would also tell her if she had a goober on her nose so I hope she would tell me.

Anyway I digress, but back on the subject, whenever I start sobbing I quickly shut down for some reason. I want the exposure because it does feel good when it happens. There is nothing like the feeling of that kind of containment she is able to give me at that time. But it just shuts down so abruptly and I don't think its about the snot so much as it is all such a humiliating experience. Especially when mom and dad used to insist that I "stop crying and act like a big girl, big girls don't cry..." or I was discreetly rewarded with being strong and not crying.

SO yeah, I struggle with wanting my T to see me as strong. I long for her to tell me how impressed she is with my strength to over come what I did, but I also want her to validate the hell I went through. I think perhaps that comes w/o words, but in their experiencing it with us as we let go of the need to wipe and hide the tears and snot from our deepest expressions. Again its not so much in our words or theirs in that moment.

quote:

But it just shuts down so abruptly and I don't think its about the snot so much as it is all such a humiliating experience. Especially when mom and dad used to insist that I "stop crying and act like a big girl, big girls don't cry..." or I was discreetly rewarded with being strong and not crying.

My mother would sometimes seem irritated with my emotions. Or exasperated. She'd laugh at me, roll her eyes...thinking back, it was pretty patronizing. I honestly feel that my counselor is blown away that someone could get so worked up -- it doesn't help that he is younger than me. Not by much, but he looks A LOT younger than me. It's odd that I want to impress him like he's a teacher or father-figure...

Today was a f*****g bad session. I was angry...the session was my anger. I went in feeling really lost and scared and left wondering if the man should be my therapist... It has a lot to do with my marriage...my X used to half listen to me vent about work or my feelings and when I was done, ready for comfort or reassurance, he'd look at me with the deer-in-the-headlights look and say, "I don't know what to say." Then, he'd turn the conversation towards motorcycles or cars or something equally boring (sorry auto-fans). I read about how all of you receive so much reassurance from your Ts and mine just wonders why I need it. He didn't say shit today, and it was so maddening. Towards the end of the session I couldn't help but wonder aloud, "Are you TRYING to make me angry?" He actually said, "It seems like you are trying to push my buttons." What????? From the man who answers every question with a question? I was so pissed when I left that I couldn't even look at him.

My issue -- with the level of attachment I've got (that alone is irritating), with the frustration that I feel with myself for not being able to handle ambiguity, with all of my past in his lap -- why on earth is he being so clinical????? I'm not asking for a kidney, just a little bit of information regarding where I am. Am I normal? Am I going crazy? I've never been angry IN the session (although I sent an angry note once) and it bothered me that he was able to witness me snort in anger (yes, I was snorting I was so pissed!) and ramble on...ugh....

Therapy is sucking right now. I can see very well that I'm not operating correctly, so what do I need to do? Is it unreasonable to ask for information? Am I freaking him out? Ugh.....!

HI QG

Sorry to hear that you had a crappy session today. I had one on Thursday where I was equally angry at my P so I can totally identify with where you are coming from and how you must have felt.

I don't have the answer to your questions, because I wonder similar things. I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to ask for information though, my P doesn't like to tell me those things either. I have to wait for her to send a report to my GP and then ask her to see the report - which she does without question because she knows that the info is about me - so I should have access to it. It's frustrating.

I hope that your next session is better! Hopefully his actions aren't an indicator of how future visits will be. I know that has been concerning me in my own case.

Be well!

Holly

Holly
Your quote cracks me up! I wish I could sneak a peak at my report. I wonder often what he's thinking...

I feel so down about my behavior. I just don't know what the boundaries are in therapy. I have been in therapy before, but it's never felt this intense. And I can't stand the fact that I feel like my T is some kind of savior. He's not. He makes a lot of mistakes and is perfectly human. I can't understand why I cannot shake my dependence. I am sure he wishes that he didn't have to deal with this little Mexican black-hole-of-need.

Hi QG

I've looked at a lot of 'Freud' quotes, but thats the one that made me think "It's so true!" and giggle at the same time.

I'm not sure how things work in the USA, but what about having your general practitioner request information from your T, with the understanding that you want to know what he is thinking. That's how I have read one of my reports from the P. I don't know why P/T's are so worried to share information with us, it wouldn't be something that is untrue, or that you hadn't already discussed at some point, and it's about you. I don't get the secrecy, I look at my medical chart all the time when I go to the GP. I think that we have a 'rights act' to personal information .. I think I'll find that out for my own arguements here. Maybe that's a question to pose to ShrinkLady as to why P's don't let us look at their files on us.

About your behaviours, I can't really say much about them because I have my own issues with how I act in the P's office (always in control, trying to analyze her, figuring myself out, not letting my guard down, trying to appear strong for her). I think that they are used to all of our behaviours in one form or another. We look at ourselves as not going about therapy right, being unsure of boundaries etc, but they are able to see past that and why we do it. So don't worry too much about it, be yourself and try (I say try because I need to as well) relax and trust him to help you. The therapy might be more intense because that's how he thinks he needs to get to you .. I feel that my P has taken that route with me as well, and she went out of my comfort zone and out of her way last week to make me angry. I hope she's not just losing her mind and that she has a plan LOL

I often say what you did about my P wishing she never had to work with the likes of me .. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that .. I do know that we are both wrong though. They want to help us, we just have to let them!

Be well!

Holly

Things are different in the USA, or at least with me. I don't have a GP I see in tandem with my T. I simply have to wait for him to tell me what he thinks is appropriate.

quote:

About your behaviours, I can't really say much about them because I have my own issues with how I act in the P's office (always in control, trying to analyze her, figuring myself out, not letting my guard down, trying to appear strong for her). I think that they are used to all of our behaviours in one form or another. We look at ourselves as not going about therapy right, being unsure of boundaries etc, but they are able to see past that and why we do it.

lol -- that is EXACTLY my predicament! I want to know WHY I think I'm not going at therapy right, etc, and my T is withholding his theories. I think he's waiting for me to verbalize my own suspicions and feelings and that is HARD. I can hardly talk in sessions -- I am confusion incarnate. I trust him, I just don't trust myself in there...ugh...I am stuck again (without words). How long have you been seeing your T?

Hi QG Happy Easter

I've been seeing my P for about 8 months. The first 5 of them I spent about 90% of the session staring around her office and not really saying anything. I started to talk to her more in just February after she threatened to end my sessions on me if I couldn't participate. I paniced and pretty much begged to stay, so I made a decission at that point to try harder in our sessions, then I found this website and have been doing better and better each session.

How long have you been seeing your T?

Holly

For over a year.

I used the hour to vent for the first year. I was trying to work up the courage to leave my lousy marriage. Now, he's both a hero and a sadist...I can't seem to pick one so I oscillate back and forth. I'm struggling to trust him; I feel like once I reach the point when my mind is saying, "Yes, yes, this is a guy I can trust" he says something unexpected or does something odd and I'm back to being suspicious. This is obviously indicative of my outside relationships, I know this. Last session I wanted to know what to do differently and he just sat there. It was beyond irritating. I'm not sure what to expect the next session. I think "angry girl" will be back.

quote:

Originally posted by QueenGrey:

I feel like once I reach the point when my mind is saying, "Yes, yes, this is a guy I can trust" he says something unexpected or does something odd and I'm back to being suspicious.

I think I'm going to have to dig deep and bring my "angry girl" to my session on Thursday to try and get my P to listen to me.

I totally hear you regarding the trust between you and your T. I have trust issues, and it took a long while for me to trust her (my P)enough to talk about certain things. But after last week where I felt like she was verbally attacking me, I find myself wondering who the heck that was in her chair! I feel like all of that trust I had worked so hard to find, is gone again because of one 50 minute session where she treated me like crap for no reason.

Never a dull moment in the life of a therapist and a patient LOL

holly

Holly --
How did she treat you like crap? Do you tell her that? How does she respond? (Sorry to sound like an interrogator).

There's a book i read a few months ago which totally changed the way i felt about the therapy process and my relationship with my T - it's called "In Session: The Bond Between Women & Their Therapists" by Deborah Lott. (though it's probably relevant to men too)

It really validated the way all of us feel right from the first page. And it talks about so many issues from a clients point of view - like wanting to impress your T, transference, wanting to be parented by him/her, even falling in love with them...

I really recommend it just so to demystify the process if nothing else.

cassie

That was a good book! Yeah, it helped a lot, just didn't help...does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense to me. The book explained a lot but it didn't help with solving the transference. But at least we know that we are not strange for having the feelings that we do and that many others have walked the same path that we are on now. For that reason it brought me a measure of comfort.

I'd like to see some numbers. How many people go through this intense transference in therapy? Also, how have these people succeeded in resolving it.

I always think, well it will resolve when I'm done with therapy. But then I fear that if it doesn't get resolved correctly, I'll attach onto someone else in an unhealthy way again.

Does anyone know where to get numbers on this?

I asked my T how often she deals with this, she waited a long time. I finally said, "It was a serious question." She said, "Often enough." What the heck is that supposed to mean? That's no answer.