Sometimes just writing about a session helps me to process. So I appreciate anyone who reads and wants to respond

I really did not want to go to session. It is the first time I have felt like that since seeing new T. I knew where it was stemming from....my Dad is not doing well. I have been helping to take care of him and it has been very triggering. He is confused, falls down alot, seems lost in space, and has fits of yelling and cursing about nothing. This is the SAME way he used to act when he drank hard alcohol.
All I could think about was that old T knew every part of that and would be able to understand how triggering it was without me even having to explain. I didn't feel I had the energy to explain the history to new T just so she could understand how awfully triggering this all is. That made me angry and I was projecting that onto her.

I told her the gist of it, just to get it out, but I don't feel like she really gets it. That is not her fault. She does not know the history and what I went through. It makes me so angry b/c it makes me miss old T terribly and I am so tired of spending emotionally energy on her. I am sure she is not spending any on me.

I printed my "Unvelievalbe" thread from here and gave it to T to read. I felt it was a good way for her to understand how I was feeling and I just feel too drained right now to even explain anything to her. That led to us talking about old T.

I explained to T about how I go back and forth between believing that I am toxic trash and that she was glad to get rid of me and then the rational part of me that tries to understand what really happened. Its exhausting. T is surprised by some of the things I shared with her that old T did or said to me. One thing in particular....I told her about something old T had said in an email to me "I hope you know that the reason I was able to comfort you, is b/c you allowed me to, by just letting yourself be" - I had never really thought twice about thsi before and only brought it up b/c we were talking about my problems showing emotion. New T literally did this when I told her that. She said to her, it sounds like old T was putting the responsiblity on me for her holding me in her lap when I was crying. The more I thought about it, I realized that yes, I did think that when I read it. But I thought that it was a good thing. That I was supposed to just let myself "be" in order for her to get me to a place where I could let emotion out which usually happened when she had me curled up in her lap. New T was appauled

T says while she agrees with me that there were no ill intention involved, that she does think that old T was meeting some needs of her own and that she was blinded by something when it came to therapy with me. She is not sure what that is. She says no matter what, it was her job to hold the boundaries in place. She explained it to me like this...if someone told her (new T) that they were going to comfort her, hold her, hug her when she was feeling bad, she would not say no. She would take everything that person was going to give her.
That helped me to understand a little bit.

At the end of the session, she asked me how I was feeling. She asked me about my kids and if I was going to pick them up or where I was going. I realized then that she was trying to ground me. Old T never did that.

I had a bad day today. Stayed home from work. I think I was just on emotional overlaod from everything. I slept mostly, but spent some time crying. It took everything in me to not pick up the phone and call old T. I wanted to so bad. But stubborness alone will save me lol. Afer her final comment of growing ethics and boundaries all the sudden that I was violating...well that did it. I will never pick up the phone and call her again.

So...thats a bit of rambling about where I am at. I'm in a tough place. I recognize that. I recognize that I am barely hanging on. I guess knowing that and accepting it and trying to work through it is half the battle, right?