My T got my disability documents today. It is hard for me to talk about here, because I feel like a major fail when so many people (here and in my personal life) are holding down jobs and raising families and going to school and doing outside activities while dealing with difficulties similar to what I face and I can't seem to do more than basic life/family stuff and therapy at the same time (sometimes barely that without getting close to heading to the ER).

They are asking...a lot! I started stressing out and dissociating in our Skype session when he listed what was required. Luckily, he's not including personal stuff like my emailed journals ( I got really scared at first when he said my "records"). This is a constant trigger for me, because he is always doing so much. He doesn't seem to feel it is that much, just his job and his clinical judgement on what is needed/appropriate in my case as he would for anyone. I practically begged him to just not do it, felt distraught and wanted to apologize profusely for doing something that was causing so much work. We talked about it for the last 25 minutes of our session until he had to go (which actually felt good, despite my still being very stressed out, because he asserted his own need there, which reminded me that he actually has and tends to his own boundaries).

I am working really hard at turning those fear-based apologies into what they seem to hide...a deep appreciation at real needs I can only intermittently acknowledge being seen, accepted and met. Objectively, T has never once given me any reason to fear. He has never once expressed or indicated any of the things he does (reading journals, texting, extra sessions for emergencies, Skype, etc.) feels like unwarranted or too much or a burden in any way. Not even in his tone of voice or body language or facial expressions (when I am brave enough to observe those things). In fact, he has always seemed so genuinely positive about what he does, despite our efforts to project otherwise. Also, he has said no to things he just can't do, for boundary reasons or as the result of his own care or schedule. So, I know it's not like he feels he "has to" do these things for me or I unconsciously exert some sort of Jedi mind control powers.

At the same time, I can tell this one thing, it is going to be a lot for him. He said he will do it in a way that is not as much. Writing is not one of his strong points and he is a perfectionist about it, which would make the report aspect a lot of work. T has said he will just get the information in there and not worry about the presentation quite so much. So, I know he is considering what he is capable of (has time and energy for) and not putting himself out too much over it. He has never endorsed one of these applications in all of his years as a therapist--I will be his first--so I know if he is willing to do all this work, he believes it is needed, important.

Just...it's so hard. I worked very hard for an hour after my session to sort through the fact that it isn't my job to unburden T of the things he feels led to do, either through his clinical judgement or spiritual convictions. That the only thing I can really do is try my best to realize it is safe to receive his help, to really allow myself to be helped rather than fight it off...and then appreciate it. Unfortunately, the appreciation is nearly as overwhelming as the terrified regret. Like, there is not enough I could do to say or show how much it means to be validated and helped in all the ways he does. Maybe another sheep-y sculpture?

Does anyone ever wonder why these things have to be so dang complicated?