I starting rambling about this in the book forum, and decided to post another thread.

Of course, my usual disclaimer: This is about my path and my experience, and I am sure that what works for me might not work for another. I try not to make blanket statements, but I may fail.

I'm finally beginning to heal from my Ex T's verbal abuse, with the help of the books I posted about in the book forum, and possibly a new T.


I am so glad I walked away from it. As far as the new T:

Not sure if I will see her in the long term or not. She and I both agree that we are to cater to MY agenda, not hers, and that I'm not there to be "changed". If she can do this, I will continue to see her on a monthly basis. We did seem to hit it off. She believes in independent thinking as well, and if she is what she says she is, it could be a very good match. She was even more appalled than I was about what happened with my Ex T. She kept saying "who IS this guy?" and.. "Can you tell me who he is so I don't accidentally refer anyone to this idiot?" Validation.

And if she genuinely screws up (I'm not talking about minor misunderstandings, but the big stuff) and puts it back on me:

"I am sorry you felt offended by what I said or did and it was not my intention. This isn't about you, but your father...yada yada.."

...I'm out, breach of contract/trust, as I stated CLEARLY that any permutation of the above statement is grounds for firing her. She agrees with me that this is healthy and that I'm clearly stating my own boundaries/needs/standing up for myself from the get-go. And just because it wasn't the T's "intention" to offend, doesn't mean that he or she does not also have an unconscious hidden agenda.. (my Ex T seemed to have a lot of hidden aggression, and that's not for me to absorb)

This does not mean I'm not open, but not so open minded that my brains fall out and I lose myself to the other person, along with all my common sense. If something feels wrong, we talk about it, it's not her job to tell me what to think or feel or what my motives are, and I will keep repeating this as often as I need to. If I were to hear the above statement from another person who is not a T, it would be considered a false apology and an obvious unwillingness to own one's own mistakes, with good reason. In turn, I watch what comes out of my mouth and will also offer a sincere apology when warranted.

BTW the proper response is: "I'm sorry I said that. It hurt you. I won't say that again."

If "Why did that bother you?" or "Did that remind you of something, perhaps?" is asked, in a respectful way, that's valid too. But I can also say "No, this is about YOU and what YOU said HERE and NOW.. let's resolve this together before it turns into something toxic that will affect any FUTURE relationships I enter". The buck stops here. Because I'm tired of stewing over stuff that needs to be addressed in the moment, if not before the fact. Focusing on the present and future is what is going to help me avoid internalizing anger.

I also have a hard time believing that the only relationship that mattered was the one with my parents in the distant past, and that any subsequent relationship is merely a rerun of the past. As if cumulative wisdom, all the hard lessons we learned.. count for nothing.

And she knows it. This is all discussed in some of the books I have been reading. I can't even begin to express how liberating it has been. I usually blame myself for everything, and the whole "Gee, there's obviously something wrong with YOU or you wouldn't be experiencing these issues" attitude was just perpetuating the abuse dynamic with he and I, as well as any future relationships I would choose down the road. In other words, the whole idea that "blaming" perpetuates victimhood needs to be seen from another perspective, because there are two sides to this coin. Self-blame also perpetuates victimhood. Not to mention strongly contributes to depression, and strongly attracts narcissists/abusers. Why is this overlooked?
There was nothing I could have done to change Ex T's abusive behavior. I tried everything, and none of it worked, but was turned against me. Why beat my head against a wall? In some ways, it is what it is, and I vow to never treat anyone the way I was treated, but neither will I fall into the self-blame trap.

I made it clear to this new T that she is not to bring any of her own agenda into the therapy that I am paying for, that T and I are SEPARATE people with our own values, even if many of our values intersect. (Yes, I feel the need to spell it out) She not only agreed 100 percent, but elaborated on what I had to say... She's there for me, in whatever way I see fit.

I'm not there for crazymaking, that's for certain.

And thanks all.. for the support with Ex T. It really did have the dynamics of a dysfunctional relationship, and I was beginning to lose myself. It was ironic that I went in to practice trusting myself first (to be followed bytrusting others) but every time we talked I doubted my own perceptions...felt heavy, felt shame, felt humiliated, and powerless. I was more depressed, crying almost every day, and was told that "therapy is supposed to be hard work". (although this can be true, it can also be a cop-out statement that leaves some mighty big loopholes for the T) This isn't therapy.

I have decided that MY therapy is going to be a REFUGE. LIFE is hard work, and I'm evolving/growing because of my life experiences (I prefer those words over the word "change" which makes me cringe) A T is there for me to be a witness and to offer a new perspective when invited. I am adamant about this. And this T is perfectly fine with it. What a relief!

I guess I still have a lot to say about it, but I'm sure that my experience isn't all that uncommon. The books helped me enormously!

One day, I will thank Ex T for showing me what an abusive relationship looks like, because I won't enter one. I would rather be alone and happy than in a miserable relationship of any kind. I do want to mention that my Ex H was NOT abusive, and this may have helped me know that something was VERY wrong with my Ex T. Had I chose to pay more attention.

Hope this helps at least one person!