T has had her long vacation. Although we continue to have contact over the phone, this month is peppered with more interruptions... and others too, have come and gone... I am the common denominator here, the revolving door that sees people drifting in and out. My urge is to yank one of them by the leg and chain them to the floor. Where are you all going? Why is everyone in such a hurry to be gone?

I want someone to stick around long enough for ME to get tired of THEM, if that's even possible.

Behind, above, and in the shadows of it all is the grief that won't let go. The old grief and the new. The grieving of the words that could have and should have been said, that died in my throat and then stayed there to choke me. It was huge and it was mismanaged and nonsensical, now it is returning with new force and I might be pulled under by the river of tears.



When I sat in front of T at the last meeting, I could only think:
My. She is beautiful.

e.