TAS - ugh, I totally get that "what do you want to talk about today" thing - my mind almost always goes blank! But sometimes I remember to go over that opening sequence ahead of time and prepare myself, and that does help!

About the book - I feel for ya. Mine had me go buy a book called Emotional Intelligence, and once I started reading, I couldn't put it down - I'm seeing things about myself that make so much more sense now! Heck, I think I underlined at least 50% of the first two chapters!

Sorry though - maybe having the book out will help?

Starry

Starry Nights...I will definitely have to keep in mind the whole 'opening sequence' and at times I have done that...gone in with a list...and as soon as he asks that...I feel myself shutting down.

The book...I tried to just look at the table of contents and I couldn't even do it...pretty weak, huh?

I am glad that the book worked out for you. The funny thing is I asked him if he had any books for me to read, thinking that might help me get through therapy a little quicker. Well, needless to say, that didn't work.

Thanks for the reply! Hope you have a great weekend T.

The first thing is a problem for me too. In fact, I told my T so and we decided to either set a topic at the previous session to open with (sort of as a follow-up) or to create a list of topics I want to cover at the beginning of session. Of course, we can veer from either option at any time if that works better. It did help a bit, but I think I'm always going to be incredibly anxious at the outset.

Ugh! Not a great start to a session if T says "what do you want to talk about today?"

That's just like the doctor saying "and how can I help you today?" Very cold and matter of fact.

My T has never started a session like that thank heavens. I think I would go blank at that as well. T will always say "Hi AV, how are you feeling? How has your week been since your last appointment?" Much much easier to answer and to kick start the session.

If T ever did start a session like that I'd follow Joie and tell her I wasn't happy with it.

Sometimes we'll pencil in a topic at the end of a session for the next week, but more often than not the sessions grow from my answers to her much easier to answer question.

((((TAS))))

My T and I just start chatting now. It took a LONG time for me to get comfortable with the opening sequence. Hell, it's taken me a LONG time to get used to therapy! I would choke up I think if he just said, "what do you want to talk about today" and probably say, "ummmm, I don't know, what about you?"

As for the book, I had seen Judith Herman's trauma book in the bookstore and library but wasn't able to read it for a long time. And there were still sections of it that I had to block out when I did read it.

((((((TAS)))))

xoxo

Liese

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. I am and continue to be, a work in progress.

Thank you for your encouragement and kind words.

T.

((((((TAS))))))
I have a really hard time even saying the word "trauma" too. It has become easier, but still provokes a lot for me at times. I hope it improves for you.

I think anyone who keeps going back even when it is so hard, is very brave. You deserve much kudos.

hugs,
jd

TAS,

Oh, I'm so sorry that opening part is so scary. I can feel myself thinking, days in advance, of how I want to start my session, or what I will say. Sometimes I make a little list of topics. But I think what helps me most is that I usually open with a little recap of what the week was like. But I encourage you to tell the T that that phrasing is bothering you. Maybe there is a different way you can open the session so that you don't have to do so much work/bear so much right at the start.

I also really get what you are saying about the book. It's so difficult to face the overwhelming reality of it, and sometimes my wife will say something to me and I just feel smacked in the face with the fact that she has *no idea* what my reality is like, but she does want to ask me cute little questions about it.

But you are doing the work you need to do - keep being brave, keep talking, keep telling the T what is scaring you or upsetting you. You have the right to all your feelings, you have the right to all your needs.

Starry - What was the name of the EI book?

Thank you 3M MetaMantraMe

I know exactly what you are saying when you feel like no one has an idea of what your reality is like...I struggle with this all the time...sometimes it feels as if I am trying to communicate something regarding 'my reality' and the other person looks at me like I am speaking a different language...or the worst thing ever that they say, 'Be strong...'

I have come to hate those two words because that is all I have ever been, is strong. That is, until my world came crashing in...

Thank you for your kind words. I struggle every week with therapy, every week I want to quit. The therapist has been kind and understanding and has not given up on me.

I hear it gets worse before it gets better...

Thank you,
T.

Hi Again TAS,

The thing you said about speaking a different language has come up a lot in my marriage. I explain my childhood to my wife/others as having been raised on Mars. I am Martian. I follow Martian rules. So it's all fine and well for her to say, "just tell me what you need" but according to Martian rule, that would get me hurt, abused, abandoned. Telling someone I had a need was a violation on Mars. This is just one of a zillion examples (oooh, another one that comes up for us all the time is being sick. She was pampered when she got sick as a child - she sneezes now (as an adult!) and her parents make her sit down and they bring her tea and fuss over her. But on Mars, there was no sick. There was no allowance for sick, no stopping, no bothering people with your sick. See what I mean?).

Secondly, YES YES YES it gets worse before it gets better. A therapist friend told me, "Attachment, PTSD, Trauma sorts of work are all the kinds that get worse before they get better. It can feel like hell. So if it feels like you are entering hell, KEEP GOING."

But she also said to me, "I bet you are much stronger than you sometimes feel."

This is true, too. I feel alone and scared and wigged out and afraid and injured and like I am going to die, or like I want to die (for seconds at a time). But these feelings are not based on now. Now is nice. I already survived the things that caused these feelings. I just have to keep working on having the feelings so they can go away.

Thinking of you!

Thanks MetaMantraMe! I am hanging tight...but it is a struggle to stay in therapy when everything within me is screaming, "Run!" I keep thinking I wish I only had one issue...just one. But I feel that there are so many, PTSD, Attachment, Trauma...I don't know where to start and it seems a bit overwhelming.

The Therapist has been so kind but I continually want to push him away, too. I don't like that he is so nice to me all of the time and understanding.

That's on me...not him. Thank you for taking time to reply I appreciate it!

quote:

When you go to your appointment and the first words out of your therapists mouth is: "What do you want to talk about today?" The mind goes blank, you can't think and the ticking of the clock is the only sound in the room.

Mine always asked how are you. a very simple and to the point question that always makes my mind go in 18 directions and I l;ose the ability to speak coherently. She knows this happens with me and sometimes won't say anything - and still, I can't speak, at least about what I need to. I write things down, rehearse them in my mind, get there and blank out. I too feel like I'm wasting time and talk about mundane things. she's usually good about asking small questions to get to the heart of something - but often it isn't what I thought I wanted to talk about. Still, she's pulling some good stuff out of me so it must be helping

My therapist always says "where do you want to start?" even on days that she knows EXACTLY where I want to begin because I had emailed her/texted her that I was ANGRY at her for something. It drives me crazy.

Silence is always weird to me. I sit there like "SAY SOMETHING!" She typically waits for me to talk, though.

TAS, I get you wanting to RUN. That goes through my head about once every three sessions. It could be a something where T is making me feel "too close," or "not close enough." Running is always my first reaction. BUT, I can recognize that running would just be running from myself. It's not going to get me anywhere. So, I push myself to stay. Staying means healing.. I completely felt like I got what you were saying though about that urge to run. I've felt it MANY times. I think it's a part of the process, especially depending on your attachment style as well.

TAS,

After 16 months, I still refer to trauma and abuse as "the t word" and "that thing you said" as I can't even acknowledge those terms are applicable to my life. I'm still in denial about my dx of C-PTSD, and if my T handed me a book on trauma he knows he'd get it handed straight back to him. Sometimes I think he must despair of me, but thankfully he keeps it well hidden.

As for the wanting to run feeling, I think that's pretty much a given in therapy at times. I'm going through it again at the moment because of something I started talking about and now wish I hadn't. But I keep telling myself it only came up because it's time and because I feel safe enough with my T to start the conversation. Of course, once we get to part 2 this week, I'm sure I'll be wanting to run all over again!

Just keep on hanging tight and getting through it one session at a time. Sometimes that's all you can do.



landa