quote:

Originally posted by True North:
For me, when things get scary or feel dangerous I get the anxiety and then also the dissociated feeling... so I'm either worried and nervous or I'm just not present.

TN, I'm curious about the idea of dissociation. I see it a lot here on the forum but I'm not really sure what it means. What actually happens when you dissociate? There are times where my head is so foggy I can barely think straight, but I've gotten so used to it that I can actually think and function in spite of it now. There are also lots of times where I'll totally forget what we talked about in a session, but with a word or two from my T - or if I really think hard - it all comes back to me. Is that dissociation? Or is dissociation more like not being present but not knowing that you're not being present? I guess it means different things to different people, but I'm just curious if there's a difference between dissociation and just feeling resistant and therefor distant, checked out, etc.

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
Work has been so difficult for the past year or so. It's only through force of will that things get done there. I just don't care beyond that.

TN, same here. My job has felt pretty meaningless for a while despite it being a very nice job on paper. If I discovered something with actual meaning, I'd quit in an instant, but finding that thing is very hard for me.

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
I'm looking at my own two week break with my T in late August. Let's just say that last year was not a very good time for me. We had a very severe test of our relationship at that time... one that I truly didn't think we would survive. But we did because I was able to find it in me to forgive him for something he did that caused me great pain. And for his part, he was humble enough to apologize multiple times. But that said, it is making me feel so skittish about his vacation this year that I can already feel myself shutting down and withdrawing or perhaps pushing him away. I tend to do this. If I feel that someone is leaving me, well I'll just leave them first, even if it's only mentally and emotionally.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult challenge in your relationship with your T. I've had them, too. And I also do the same pre-rejection rejection thing, like there's a part of me that's often not even conscious that senses rejection, so I throw up my wall in the form of being formal and distant and intellectual, etc, etc. Even now...I have another week before my next appointment, but I'm not obsessing about my T or planning on calling or emailing, etc...and that of course brings me back to the whole fear of not having the required connection with him, blah, blah, blah... Truth is, I'm probably very hurt by his "leaving me," but I'm just not feeling it. Maybe something like this is going on with you, too.

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
As for anger... I understand that too. While it's more acceptable for men to get angry rather than show tender emotions, it's not so acceptable for women to show it and although I'm sure I have a lot of it... it must be buried very deeply because I cannot really get to it.

Sounds like for you it's anger that's shameful, whereas for me it's hurt and longing. I hope we can both get to this stuff soon.

Russ