((((ANON))))

It's so nice to hear that you finally feel safe and like you have a place with T. That's such a nice place to be.

I don't have any art advice but just wanted to say I'm happy for you. And, knowing your T, he will love your gift regardless of how it's painted or sealed.

No idea about your question, but wanted to say congrats on two years!

Liese - Yes, it's a wonderful place. I know there will be hiccups (i.e. ruptures), but I am taking it in as much as I can that I am managing to be safe and close at the same time.

BLT - Thanks for the congrats!!!

Draggers - Thanks! Your advice is so helpful. Mine is (luckily for stability, unluckily for drying time) pretty much thick all over. I actually don't have a window sill I can dry it on (the only one in the house is in Boo's room), but maybe out on our balcony might be safe. I probably won't have time to have this fired, but it was a fun activity with Boo, so maybe if we keep doing it together, we can do that for the future. I knew someone who used to work at a pottery place for a while (they just had premade pieces you could paint and then fire), so I could probably get it done there cheap or free.

My next project is probably to paint some little boxes (pre-made) with Boo. If we painted those with designs would the water-based varnish seal it OK, or would it mess the paints? I'm wondering if I could find something that could work for both. I'm trying to do a lot more artsy stuff with Boo, both for her and for inside kids who almost never got to do anything beyond playdoh or crayons.

Poor T. By the time we're done working with him, he will have so many random little things. He actually got a painting from one of the kids the other day. My only fear about the more artsy stuff (unlike the sock animals, which seem like they could be something for kids who he or other therapists see), is they are obviously made by a client and I'm just a little scared for anyone else to see them. You think it's OK if I say, "Here, I made this for you, it's very meaningful, now please promptly go hide it somewhere nobody but you will ever see it!!!" ???

(((BG))) It's not much, but I'm proud of it, just because I made it and it is meaningful.

(((xoxo))) Yeah, I probably will keep a photo (in case the thing falls apart), so I'll post it here if/when it's done. The dang thing does NOT want to dry. It has hardened, but the color hasn't turned white like the smaller stuff my H made, so I know it's not dry yet. I'm assuming I have to wait until it turns to paint/seal it. I'm scared at this point that it won't finish in time.

((Anon)) Sorry, no art advice, but I just wanted to share in my congratulations on the two year anniversary! My T and I hit two years back in April - although we didn't recognize it or anything.

I'll be looking forward to seeing a picture when you're done!

(((kashley))) Thanks for the congratulations. Two years went by so fast for me. Was it the same for you?

I will take some photos soon, because I'm getting to the point of hazarding baking it and I want to document it in case it gets destroyed. The instructions say not to do so, but I've read online you can bake most air dry clays at 200 F, leaving the door to the oven open, only 5-10 minutes at a time, to speed up drying. I've had a fan on high blowing on it 16 hours straight and it is just barely showing a few white spots on the surface (after a couple days of having the overhead fan blowing on it. H's (very thin) models are all dry and Boo's slightly thicker is mostly dry. I'm actually pretty miserable about it, because I made it Saturday afternoon, which according to the instructions should have been plenty of time to dry and paint, but at this rate I'm just not going to be able to give it to T tomorrow night.

So, backup options are baking something to share or something else... I have brought my T food a couple of times (sent with him, not ate together, just soup and chili) and he brought me cake/cupcake last year, so I know the food thing is OK already, if I can get over the awkwardness of trying to eat together. The other idea is to bring a CD of songs that I relate to, especially ones for certain parts who have trouble connecting. The draw back to this is it seems like a mix tape, and the connotations of that are weird to me. When I mentioned one particular part kind of relates more creatively through art and music and I almost picked songs that relate to her to share with him, he got excited. I know he would like it in theory, but also that most of the music I would put on there for these particular parts would not be something he is into (not musically, but maybe content wise--he seems more an uplifting music type guy). Has anyone ever brought music to their T to share? It kind of freaks me out, but my initial way of marking the day doesn't seem like it will come through.

I can't really explain why it is so important for me to recognize it before it passes, but it is. I guess because important dates weren't really recognized. Birthdays forgotten by one parent and then a whole side of my family being JW, so celebrating just wasn't something that was done. So, when someone is important to me, like my younger siblings my whole life or H or Boo or T, I have a really strong drive to celebrate them, both everyday and a little extra on special days.

OK, so it is finished, though I didn't have as much time to sand and paint it as I wanted. Like I said, it's no masterpiece, but I know it will be meaningful to my T. I made the box kind of like a children's story about a sheep who takes a walk and gets lost. I used fat markers and they smeared a bit, but it was fun to make it. Then, when T opens the box, the sheep has been found. The story is written on the lid, but it got all smeared so I didn't include the photo. Kind of embarrassingly childlike of a gift, but knowing my T, that will only make him like it more.

















Sorry for all the photos, but some people expressed interest in my posting them. Not sure why some of the resizing/cropping hasn't loaded properly and others did...

((((NON))))

Very touching and beautiful! He will love it. I love the idea of the sheep getting lost and T finding it.

Wow! That is really touching. The symbolism is so very powerful. It is an amazing gift!

Liese, Outsider - thanks! The shepherd is actually supposed to represent God, because T talks about how meaningful he finds that particular metaphor. That said, T knows and is glad to be part of the search party.

Sheesh, sitting and waiting for my appointment to start in a few minutes and I want to chuck the dang thing in a garbage or hide it and text him a "map" later. I do NOT want to give it to him anymore. I'm afraid I can't deal with any other response than "Thanks." I know it will be a positive, not negative reaction, but it seems like if he even smiles too muc about it (not that I'd look), the self-loathing will overtake and bury me. Ugh. Why did I do this again?

Not sure if you're out of session yet but hope it all went well The art and sculpture are gorgeous!

Love the naivety, very touching, great work.

I love it! What a creative idea and a wonderful story. Please let us know how it goes when you give this to T. I know he will love it.

Awww, thanks you guys, so much, for all the support. T brought a little round, fancy cake (about the size of a cupcake, just fancier) with two candles which he had me blow out and then he cut it in half and we split it. It was sweet of him.

It was hard to share my gift with him. I couldn't watch him open it or listen much to what he was saying while he did. So much loathing. He did love it. He said he wasn't capable of just saying "thanks" about it, withholding his positive feelings. We walked through my repeated desires that it be trashed or hidden away somewhere that no one else would see it (alas, I think he is actually going to leave it on his desk in this particular office--I guess it's good I added felt to the bottom of it last minute). I talked about how while it was deeply meaningful to acknowledge the work we've been doing together, all I was capable of having for what I made was appreciation for the sentiment, not valuing the thing itself. Then, of course, because he is a therapist we started translating that into feelings about me and my inability to accept my intrinsic value.


***Trigger warning***
This conversation ended up triggering my SU part, who came, got in a bad place and then abruptly "gave up" and ran away, leaving someone else up front and ultimately putting us in a very bad (do we call the cops or my husband or can T get promises of safety) place. I felt like we ruined the whole night in the end. T was very firm about prioritizing my safety and the kids got scared of being in trouble, bad, etc. Being safe ultimately ended up involving some minor SI, which hasn't happened in a while either (yeah, I know, better than SU). So...feeling kind of like a reject right now, being back in crisis on my T-versary today, overwhelmed and scared to reach out and wanting to skip Skype on Friday as there is this sense of drowning in hopelessness right now.
***End trigger warning***

So, things went both really well and really bad last night at the same time. T, of course, was exactly who he always is. I'm just tired of simple things like appreciating someone causing so much turmoil.

to all of you for supporting me so much and for so long. Lots of love!

Oh, (((Liese))) (((Outsider))) (((Cat))) (((Draggers))) (((scars))) (((kashley))) (((BLT))) (((BG)))

Individual hugs definitely in order!!!

And Draggers - I'm so glad she likes it and it's not at all offensive!!!

Anon, that is really such a sweet story, and thank you for posting the wonderful pictures! you did a lovely job! it was a very brave and vulnerable thing you did. your T brought in a celebratory treat for you to share? how wonderful and thoughful! it sounds like the perfect anniversary. i get the SU, but don't have the insight to address that, sorry. you followed your heart in making and giving this gift to your T and it sounds like he was touched by both the gift and what it represents. good for you! you're an inspiration

Awww, Draggers, you made my morning. We love making things and giving them to people. It's very convenient to have an actual (almost) four-year-old at home, because I have lots of excuses and time to do artsy/crafty stuff.

So beautiful!! I am sure your T is VERY VERY touched by what you have brought into his life over the past two years. This was symbolically the most touching sweet thing, Anon. You are so sweet. Congrats on two years!