ugghhh! post-counselling yuk

I was feeling fine and generally doing ok, then had a counselling session this morning. And now feel uuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm fed up. I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere. I can't get started in the session - I didn't even want to go today and couldn't think of a way to start the session. I don't access my feelings - I just describe how they feel far away and not mine. I talked about dissociation really - how it is for me in daily life (it's bad at night). I've no idea how to fit my needs into this one hour on a Friday - I can't seem to order my stuff to come up at 10.15am on a Friday.

I've spent some time talking about issues to do with my mum (there are legitimately a few of those), but feel like I'm going round in circles. I don't get upset, I just talk. I stay 'adult' and reflective. Inside I sometimes feel I have other things that need to be talked about, but those parts of me aren't ok sitting on a chair and doing talking. One session I did ask to go to the other bit of the room where they keep the kids stuff and play with the sand. This really helped me. But she never mentioned it since and so I haven't felt ok to ask again.

It's so hard. I can't get to a place of being open within the time (an hour). I know she doesn't leave time for grounding and I know I have a long drive after the session, so I feel wary of getting too into anything. And I'm not allowed to contact her between sessions and she hasn't ever asked what support I have outside of the hour... it kind of feels like to go deeper would be like bungy-jumping with cotton thread, instead of an elastic rope. But I feel bad for being scared like that. I dont know how to say this without it sounding like a complaint or that I'm not grateful (it's charity provided, I don't pay). They are the rules - non-negotiable.

I felt so alone and tearful after this session today, but I dont know why. Probably because she asked me a few times about being lonely. I guess I am.

I'm afraid there is something wrong with me, that I'm just not able to get better on counselling, that I'm probably wasting her time. I'm not even sure that I'm right to ask for help - I'm very independent and most people dont know I struggle at all.

I think really I need a place I can be safely vulnerable (however much I might find that shameful) and not the 'I'm fine' image I put on for the outside world. But I've no idea how to assess if this is the place.

Sapphire Blue

4/11/148:06 AM

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rebuildingmeMember

SP - I completely understand not being able to access the feelings in an hour. I tried and tried and the only solution for me was 2 hour sessions. Even then, I had to work really hard to get deep down into feelings.

4/11/1412:57 PM

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sapphire-blueMember

Thanks for hearing me RM.

It's really hard isn't it? I think I hold onto my feelings until I leave the counselling office - then I get tearful etc. It leaves me on my own with it all. I don't want it to be that way - it's not a deliberate choice.

I did have 4 longer sessions, but I was told that I could only have the 4. It worked really well and I found it so much easier. I'm back to not getting anywhere again now the sessions are short again.

I feel really low now. No appointments for 2 weeks (it's the Easter break). I'm wondering about giving up.

sb

4/11/141:08 PM

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lieseMember

(((SB))))

"I'm not even sure that I'm right to ask for help - I'm very independent and most people dont know I struggle at all."

Sometimes when we feel too vulnerable getting close to people, we shut ourselves off from that possibility. It might have been a necessary coping mechanism when we were younger but now it prevents us from connecting emotionally with people. The result is we are lonely and we stay lonely.

It will all come in time. Hang in there. Hopefully you can take comfort knowing that you are not alone, we have all been and still are in that same spot. Therapy is really hard.

4/11/144:10 PM

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sapphire-blueMember

Thanks SP. I still haven't started my new job

The paperwork is unbelievably slow. I do now have clearance (the usual police checks they run), but no start date. I feel really torn... in some ways this therapist is good - she is straight forward. But the drive, the no contact, the session length are far from ideal. I'm sorry I'm being a pain, constantly stuck in the same place.

Thanks Liese. I admitted to her that this is how I come across - that I am efficient and cope well. She laughed - and I was unsettled by that - not sure if she was laughing because it is so obvious (I think this is the likely reason), or....??? But, being humanistic counselling, she had nothing to say to this. So, I know what I'm like, just have no idea how to change. I don't WANT to stay isolated, but I have no strategies for change. I said to her, that if my own mother doesn't like me (she doesn't, never did) then why would anyone else. T just nodded in agreement. And I'm still stuck with that feeling. I know with my head it was my mother's problem - I could have been almost anyone and I would have been rejected (being unable to provide the adoration my mother required). But, being a 'bad daughter' (have needs - though deeply buried, due to her not allowing those, can't seem to go with the 'happy childhood' she claims I had - it's all my fault and I should focus on the good times (hard to remember them) not the ongoing neglect and s*x**l abuse - they don't matter now. These her her views by the way...). I'm just so scr*wed. My head is mashed.

I woke in the early hours and thought about ending it (this isn't a threat by the way, don't panic, just how it feels today).

blah.

Sorry I'm not a better person.

sb

4/11/149:45 PM

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puppetMember

(((sb)))
so sorry you're hurting and feeling alone... please hang in there, you will get through this and you will eventually find a better T (or better set-up where you will feel safe). have you had any other Ts or other counselling experiences (sorry if you mentioned it and i forgot)? just wondering if you have something else to compare it to. you seem to be pretty clear and insightful, and you know what you need, any T would be happy to work with you. it's such a shame this charity has these damaging imposed restrictions. and i dont see much 'humanistic' about it. and i'm sorry that she laughed and you didn't know why, its not good to have these doubts left over in your mind after a hard session.

i also relate to being or trying to be independent and others not knowing i struggle. this can make therapy so painful, because the 'asking' itself feels 'humiliating' and the vulnerability is just pure agony...

sorry i have nothing helpful to say, just sorry you are hurting...

puppet

4/12/143:29 AM

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sapphire-blueMember

Thanks Puppet

I'm trying to hang on in there. Don't have an appointment at all this week as it is bank holiday in UK this friday - and - I am in france!!! lol.

I do have to cope with the boundaries set - and try to make the best of what is available to me right now - which is rather limited I agree.

I can't imagine that any therapist is happy to work with me - I feel I am a pain, a nuisance and not good enough. (cringes in the corner, knowing this is child stuff).

Thanks SP - yes, it feels rubbish not being sorted quickly. I keep my need for therapy secret from my friends - it's like I have to appear 'normal' and 'able'. The shame is awful.

sb

4/16/142:18 AM

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