Yaku,

I don't think we're sick of hearing about your T issues. I think many of us totally relate.

I haven't talked to my T for over a week, she hasn't remembered our check-in calls for 3 months now, and I desperately miss her. I'm sure a lot of it for me has to do with the fact that we've had a rupture in our relationship that hasn't been resolved. But I found myself in front of her office window again Thursday night and also found her car in the parking lot behind the building she works in. Once I saw her doing her end-of-the-day routine through her office window and saw her turn out the lights I drove over to where her car was and sat there and waited so that I could see her come out of the hospital and walk to her car. I just had to see her! But sadly, seeing her didn't help much. She almost tripped on the sidewalk as she was getting near her car and my heart jumped into my throat because I thought that is she had fallen I would have jumped out of my car and run over to help her. And boy would THAT be awkward!!

Anyway, I get what you're feeling and just wanted to say that I can totally empathize with you. It's such a life-and-death feeling for those of us with attachment injury issues. I wish I could say that it gets easier. I am finally at a place where I can mentalize about my situation with my T, but only because I got really angry at her and decided to leave (which I couldn't because of the intensity of the attachment ) I am having more insight now about my relationship with her than I've had over the last year and a half of therapy with her. It sometimes take time and patience, and unfortunately also a lot of pain. So sorry...

(((Yaku)))

MTF

Thanks, MTF. I'm actually sorry I'm not alone in this. I wouldn't wish these thoughts & feelings on anyone...

Just escalated and I definitely shouldn't have; not really sure why or how it happened. I'm fine, but so pissed off with myself and too humiliated by my chaos to text T about it, but he always says it needs to be in the light, so confessing here rather than bug him and worry about how he's judging me for neediness or thinks I'm trying to get his attention. I just need to figure out how to deal with this wanting without losing control. Back to the drawing board.

I waited a couple of hours and was having less projections toward T's reaction, so I notified him vaguely that I was struggling/escalating. I'm assuming he won't text back, because I told him I couldn't really explain it right now. I hope that's good enough to fulfill his request that I stay open with him and keep these things in the light. Fantasizing all sorts of ways to drop out, like just leaving a note for him during my next appointment (anything so I do not have to communicate it directly). I don't want to abandon the process because I really think my needing is wrong or not understandable, but because it effing HURTS! I wish I would have texted T just that. "Wanting to depend on you is more painful than hurting myself and more terrifying than annihilation." Perhaps needing him, to me, IS a sort of annihilation. I feel so stupid and horrible. I just want to run away and be alone until I get used to not being attached to anyone in a way that makes me need like this. That's such a horrible thing for a wife and mom to be thinking. I've been working on the assignment he gave me and made a lot of progress, but it doesn't seem to have helped reroute my thinking yet. Time and patience, like MTF said, I guess...

I will probably think this is all so ridiculous tomorrow. Four nights of insomnia and nightmares, and several stressful days, are probably skewing my perception right now...

Yaku,

I'm not sick of hearing about this cycle for you. Is a viscous cycle that many of us can identify with. It's like every day is a new struggle, a new battle with our attachment and need to be close to T and even when we "win" the battle and get that closeness, we simply move onto the next battle. Its never-ending and the feeling that we will never be satisfied can be all-consuming. Believe me when I say that I feel your pain.

Thanks. I appreciate the support and encouragement, from all of you (MTF, JD, LG). It REALLY does help, since H does not struggle with attachment and (accidentally) heaps judgment on me. I am trying not to judge myself on it and just let myself be OK with feeling this pain and not dissociating and then physically hurting myself or psychologically torturing myself. Today wasn't as successful as I would have liked, but it could have continued to escalate and I didn't let it, which is a victory of sorts. I am still wishing I could just have a list of rules from T that says, "If X happens, please do Y." Why do I need permission, exact boundaries, to want help and to be OK asking? I don't know...well, that's a lie. I do know, but since I know where it comes from, I feel like I should be able to get over it.

Yaku... I know how hard and confusing this is. That is the nature of disorganized attachment. You want to hold onto your attachment figure while at the same time run like heck from them because of all the signals your amygdala is sending you that moving closer to your T is dangerous. That is because the last time you were trying to attach to a caregiver as a child... it WAS dangerous.

I think your T is smart and he is holding steady while you test him and test the relationship. The more you move towards him and find that it's safe and okay the less fearful and clinging and wanting to run at the same time you will become. But it takes a long time (as in years) and lots of repetition. It's not easy and many people give it up. Therapy is not for wimps at all. You need to be strong and brave and determined to heal from the hell of attachment disorder.

The thing is that you can't rush it. As STRM's wise T says "the slower you go the faster you will get there". Your T is trying to slow you down it seems (as I read on your phone call thread) because he realizes that you are being overwhelmed by the past. You can't rush the process, you just have to trust it and take it slow.

Hang in there.
TN

JD - Yes, much of what you are saying is right. In my family, boundaries were not clear (T said enmeshed). I learned what was expected of me in painful ways (neglect, emotional abuse, being kicked out, witnessing/intervening in physical fights between other family members, narrowly avoiding being physically attacked myself). So, to avoid dealing with that, I learned to have "skin-tight" boundaries where I would not extend myself far enough that it was possible to cross into another's territory. At the same time, my boundaries were torn down so repeatedly, I feel incapable of participating in boundary setting in a relationship. It was like, whenever I needed, I was pushed away, but whenever I WAS needed, I was invaded!!! And yes, no matter how well I performed, it still felt like my fault when those bad situations came (if I couldn't do better, maybe I my very identity was at fault). So, I just give unreservedly and hold myself back from taking (as much as is possible without being a hermit) and that means I will be safe: not rejected (because I won't ask for anything), not injured by having something "stolen" or being invaded (because I offer/sacrifice before anyone tries), not being judged or abused (because I do it to myself first to live beyond the expectations of others). Trying to NOT do those things with T has my anxious all the time...and I fail pretty consistently.

I feel like, if I had rules to obey, I am not "taking" T's care, crossing his boundaries, burdening him, putting myself out there for rejection. For example, if he said he expects me to call/text/log (whatever action) every time I think/act on certain impulses, I would do it. If he gives me a choice of what to do, I feel like whatever I choose is wrong and will cause judgment or rejection. T giving rules wouldn't fix my living up to people's expectations issues, but it would make me feel SAFE to communicate. The best I could get out of him is that he "needs to know" and I must keep those things "in the light" and I should be differentiating, for example, the difference between thoughts which involve indulging in fantasies vs actually considering (in the case of stuff that could be fatal). Anytime I've walked that line, I feel like I can't even make the call of which side I'm on and saying I'm confused and think I might be approaching feels like such an overreaction that I really hate myself for it. I tell T about the behaviors (usually hours or days later), but by that time, I'm not "in" those feelings anymore and makes me feel even more pathetic for reporting them, because I'm not usually "in danger" anymore. I can see why he cannot give me what I need in order to feel comfortable, because it is caving into one of my biggest problems that we need to work on. However, it would be a lot less confusing for me to have his boundaries be transparent. I feel like I'm learning ballroom dancing and my partner refuses to lead. I don't even know how close to stand. He won't show me where my hands are supposed to go. He won't even walk up to me and ask me to dance!

TN - I really respect your input as someone several steps ahead. I just have trouble to resist the impulse to rip it off like a bandaid. I get that he's trying to contain things, slow them down for me, but it seems like I'm unconsciously fighting against it (probably fear that the more time I spend there, the bigger the gaping hole in my chest will be when I leave). Also, I'm feeling a lot of pressure from H around his idea of how long I should be in this process. I wish T would just say something like, "I expect [?-? range] of years," so I could go to H and say, "Hey, tough $#!+. T says it's going to be a while!" I know H's priority is my health, but I also think he sees how functional I was before all of this and thinks that I am MAKING myself this way now. I could just be projecting on him though...

DF - Thanks for the empathy! I'm guessing these things must be pretty common problems for those of us in therapy, especially anyone growing up with confusing attachments and boundaries (not to make the assumption that this applies to you).

quote:

One thing my T did for me for a little while that helped was to wrap up our sessions by relating everything to the session before or to issues we were working on. This made me feel like there was interconnectedness between sessions... that we were weaving/building something not just existing in one moment of time that would be forgotten. It gave me structure as did having a regular time to see my T (which I didn't have for a while and it really tripped me out).

These two things are definitely something I need to work on with T. Sometimes it feels like one week has nothing to do with the next, though less so since I have started really pushing myself to be super open (at least through journaling). Also, my session day/time is always changing. He usually gives me 9:00 pm on Monday or Tuesday (his only days in my area). But, that is because I can't do earlier with my toddler. I would ask if I could always have that time slot, but he stays especially late to give it to me and I don't want to ask him to make that arrangement permanent. He already goes SO far to meet me.

DF - I can so relate to you! I also had to take a parenting role (in my Mom's house). Mostly it was parenting of younger siblings, but I also was the "stable" one out of everyone there. So, for example, when my mom was feeling suicidal, I'm the one she came to (at 15 or 16) to tell her thoughts and feelings and (I think) convince her she was an amazing mom and we couldn't live without her and she shouldn't do it. I obliged, because what else do you do when someone is in a vulnerable state like that? I was also the one that kept the house running, looked after the kids' health and education (not all by myself, but primarily), helped reconcile fights, cleaned up broken dishes or other items that were thrown during fights...basically, all the stuff T said about me becoming a caretaker at age 10-12. Luckily, my mom was not a drug addict and stopped drinking in my early teens, but she is just very unstable. Being in therapy and so unstable myself now, I am trying to have more love for her...and real love, not the kind where I just make excuses so I won't feel my anger about the neglect and abuse. She had a very bad breakdown when I was around six (which I never knew about until later, because even then we weren't very close). And, from what I can tell, she was just never "all there," afterward. I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience at such a young age! I can only imagine how confusing it must have been. I can't even remember a lot about my home life from that age, myself. Mostly just school. I don't know if you are the same.

DF - I don't mind getting off topic. I still really have no connection (feeling) regarding my disappearing dad and unstable mom...maybe why I can imagine being reconciled (though I don't think I want closeness with either of them ever). I can discuss those horrible events and ne ok, but thinking back on the topic of connecting with, missing, fearing T is where my hurt, loneliness and terror resides for now.

Just found out that my T is "95% sure" we'll be meeting on Tuesday night, not Monday night. Wish he could have this stuff figured out in advance, but he has to wait for other clients to get back to him. Feeling so triggered about having to wait two more days to see him. It's RIDICULOUS to feel this way. Managed to wait my way through some bad inclinations, but they're still not going away as of yet...kind of building on me and writing, distracting myself isn't working so far. I'm surrounded by other people and can't get space to myself...which somehow makes me feel so much more alone than being by myself. Thanks (to everyone) for always listening. I feel more heard here and I still feel too lame to call T about bad thoughts or even text him about them until after they have happened.