I also visited her daughter's Facebook last week and while scrolling down through I saw that she had 'liked' a site or software or something that will tell her who has visited her profile. So I'm sure once she checks that and sees me on there she'll tell my T. I think she added that feature because my T warned all her kids about me or other patients like me doing the cyber stalking. Her son with the Flickr account is the one whose Facebook account took me to photos of her grandkids and another daughter in the past, and his account is suddenly locked up so I know she told him. I'm so stupid.
The worst thing though is that last week I was driving around town on the night I knew my T had her addiction/substance abuse meeting at the hospital so I drove down that way and her office lights were on and the blinds were open. There was a perfect parking spot so that I could see into her office. I sat there for half an hour watching her have two conversations; one with a woman and another with a man before she finally gathered her purse, turned off her computer and then the lights. I was hoping that she would come out the doors to the parking lot where I was parked so I could see which car she got in, as I've been really curious about what kind of car she drives. WTH? No such luck. She must park out in the parking terrace in the employee parking where she knows she can't be easily stalked. Smart T.
I feel awful about all of this. WTH is wrong with me? I promised my T when I spilled the beans about my stalking issues before that I wouldn't do this stuff again and here I am in the same situation, only this time I feel it's worse. MUCH WORSE. She could totally terminate me for this stuff, and while I don't think she will if I tell her, she's going to be really upset with me and wonder why I have done this. And I don't even have a good sound reason. I don't even know why myself!! I don't see her for another week. She called me this morning to tell me she didn't see me on her schedule this week and asked me why. She was worried that I had been cancelled out by her staff because she has a workshop tomorrow. It's been two weeks since my last session and I have to wait another week. I think this extra week is just too much for me.
I've had all kinds of weird fears and confusion and strange thoughts going around in my head the last couple weeks. I am free of my ruminating/obsessive thoughts about my T for a while (thanks to medication, but I'm going off it now) so now other things about her and my therapy are suddenly coming up and bringing all sorts of questions and fears with them. I don't know if that's partly why I've been doing this searching/stalking stuff again or what, but it's making me feel horrible about myself. I really don't know how I'm going to break this to my T. She's going to be angry and disappointed in me, not to mention that I'm sure she'll feel violated. I would. And I know I have to tell her. My conscience won't let me keep it a secret. The guilt will eat me alive. Why do I do this to myself? WHY????