Hi SarahB
Firstly hello and welcome - I am so sorry for your angst and can appreciate how embarrassed and awkward you feel. What a difficlt situation. Did your T ever lay out any boundaries for you? It's tough to have been punished for something you did with good and kind intent. I wonder what her reaction would have been if you hadn't sent them annonymously? Perhaps you need to meet her (very hard I know) just to be able to put over YOUR point of view so the closure if it comes to that feels less one sided and led totally by her.
Don't be completely down on yourself - thank you for being brave enough to share. I know that can be hard at first too.
starfish

Oh, my God, Sarah, I'm so really sorry.
She shouldn't have done this. She clearly punished you for sending her flowers. Maybe you did overstep the boundary but how were you supposed to know where it is? She should have met with you and explain that she can't accept flowers and why and why you sent them, all the "whys". Is it really such a heavy violation that she could not deal with?
Talk to your new T and maybe he/she will help you to deal with his situation and find a solution. Maybe there is a way to get back to your old T and have things settled.
I don't think it's your fault. You didn't mean anything bad. I'm sure there was a way to deal with this without causing so much pain to you.

I am sorry you are going through this! I have been there, I was probably in the creepy stalker category, but I had a really great P who dealt with it pretty good. At one point he did terminate therapy but let me come back a couple years later and I am still seeing him now. The one thing that I wish is that I would have asked for one more appointment to sit down face to face and discuss what happened. I did talk to him on the phone afterwards and even a few emails, but its not the same. And I still to this day, even though I am seeing him again and have been for the last couple of years, wish I would have asked for at least a last meeting. We still have not completely discussed everything that has happened but basically just put it behind us. I know he has not forgot about it and when I get close to do the same things he will bring it up a little bit. So if I were you I would at least ask and know that you tried and did everything you could do to fix the problem.

You are not the only one who has crossed boundaries and I did it way worse that you. I hung out in his neighborhood almost every day across the street from him house just so I could see him, and I would always make sure he would see me, I called him constantly, emailed him constantly, even my friend and I got stopped by the police and got accused of breaking into his neighbors car and stealing her purse at 9 at night. We didnt actually do it and it was proven that we didnt but it still made my P have to deal directly with me and the police in his neighborhood. I also had a lawn mowing business that was doing very well but once I knew where he lived I purposely started working mainly in his neighborhood so I could see him. And even went on his property to return the pumpkins that my friend stole from him. My friend stole a lot of pumpkins in that neighborhood for something stupid to do cause we were teenagers, but I couldnt deal with it and snuck on his property while he was at work the next day and returned them.

So just know that I have gone way farther than you probably ever imagined and even though there was a termination I am still seeing him, and I am determined to make it work this time. Right now its where we still have some problems but I am going to start working hard on it. But I do know that if I would have requested at least one face to face visit after he terminated it would have changed things and shown him that I was sorry and wanted to fix things and would have made it where if even if he would have still terminated I would have been able to come back sooner than a few years.

The worst that can happen is she will say no so just give it a try, do everything you can do instead of regretting it later that you didnt and not knowing what could have happened. But if you get that appointment go in there ready to talk and be completely open and honest.

Hi SarahB and welcome to the forum!

You've already gotten lots of great responses and I agree with them all. I'm so glad you posted here so we can come alongside you and give you much-needed support and encouragement in moving forward, wherever that ends up taking you.

I really understand your pain and confusion right now regarding your T's reaction. With my previous T, I was also having strong transference feelings. We had spoken of it several times and he had reassured me in many ways that he would help me through it. We both knew there was more I needed to say, but I was having a lot of trouble saying it when sitting in front of him. So finally I sent him a short hand-written note that put the subject "on the table" so that I would "have" to talk about it at my next appointment. Based on what he'd said to me in previous sessions, I expected him to be glad that I'd finally admitted what I was holding back, and I arrived ready to do the work of telling the rest and then moving on. I was glad that I'd sent the note and was looking forward to getting the rest out. But just like your T, he basically slammed the lid on it instead, asking "What are we going to do about this" and saying if we couldn't get past it, I'd have to transfer, which triggered all kinds of fear and frustration. That was our last session.

Boundaries! How I wish T's would just have a list of defined boundaries so we'd know where they are. Because of the feelings I had for that T, I was terrified of crossing a boundary, and he knew it because I'd told him. I only ever called and left one message explaining why I had set up some appointments the way I had. The session before I sent the note, I expressed concern about leaving the message, asking if it was okay that I did that. He responded with "of course it's okay, don't worry about the boundaries, I know you respect the boundaries, and if you run into one, I'll help you with it." The boundary I crossed in the note was that I asked him not to wear a particular shirt on the days I came in. I totally understood when he said he couldn't comply with that, and explained that the main reason for the note was to discuss how I was feeling so that I could learn more about myself, as we had agreed several months ago. I stated this several times, even said I half expected him to show up wearing that particular shirt so I would be triggered again in session and we could discuss it, but he couldn't hear that for some reason.

I've talked about all this in other posts so I won't go on, but my point here is that some T's are simply not trained or prepared to know how to handle their patient's feelings toward them. It takes someone who has done enough of their own work to know that your feelings really don't have anything to do with them, so they don't take it personally and then react out of fear, like my former T did, and it sounds like your T did, too.

When the therapy fell apart with my former T, the people here helped me until I could find a T who knew how to handle this and understood where it was coming from. So now I'm working through it with her.

I'm so glad you're here so you can know you are not alone in having these feelings. You did the right thing to express them, you are supposed to be able to talk about all your feelings in the therapy. It is too bad that your T is reacting with fear at how you expressed them instead of working through it with you. It sounds to me like you are willing to respect boundaries when you know they are there, and that you want to look at the feelings in order to heal. Your T simply doesn't know how to do that.

But T's who do know how to do that are out there and I hope you can find one! Please keep coming here for support, we really understand and care about what you're going through.

SG

WOW! I am so touched and a bit teary (ok, more than a bit!) at all your great responses... I'd been reading posts here for a few weeks before all of this and was comforted by knowing that I wasn't the only one in the world who was feeling this stuff. When this happened (last week, at first I didn't know where to go but then I realized that many people here might be able to relate.

Monte - I TOTALLY relate to the 'only person on earth' thing! And yes, she's relatively young... I'm in my (very) early 50's and she's in her early 30's - I don't know how long she's been practicing.

Starfish - no, she never laid out boundaries... I'm a savvy enough therapy consumer to know that certain things are generally frowned upon (like gifts) but at Christmastime she DID accept a bracelet I made for her... so maybe that's where I started to blur some boundaries.

Janedoe - geez, I wish I had your T! I'm a bit jealous after what happened with me! And thank you for the hug - I really, really appreciated it! It was good to learn that I'm not the only one who had a 'random act' backfire - isn't that painful? but it happens..

Dragonfly - the letter suggestion is a great idea! I think I'm going to write one and let it sit for a few days before I send it so that some of my upset feelings calm down - and as you suggest, she might have thought about the whole thing more by then. The idea of writing a letter actually makes me feel a bit better - that I'm not totally cut off from her or left in the dust by myself.

Amazon - (I love your name!) Thank you for saying that she 'clearly punished' me - I never thought of it that way! I only saw it as MY mistake so that helps me see a new angle on this! And I'm hoping that my new T can help me through this - at least I know she's been doing therapy for quite a while so I know that at least she's got experience to draw from.

Pippi - thank you for telling me a bit of your story - it always helps to know that the transference stuff that runs through your head isn't totally unique - and that I'm not the only one that has done stuff! I've driven by her house pretty often but she lives at a dead end street so it was never easy to just cruise by (looking back, that might be a good thing now!) I think I'm going to talk with my new T and work out a bit of the stuff in my head and then I'll seriously consider trying to have one more appointment to clear the air. It's a good suggestion that I try at least!

Strummergirl (is that Melissa Etheridge in your icon?) Yeah, like you I had written a letter (and got the courage to actually read it TO her) about my feelings and like your T, she seemed to deal with it fine... and isn't that a kick in the gut when things turn 180 degrees? Thank you for the encouragement to come back here to all of you who are so wonderful!

Although this whole situation sucks big time, one good thing is that I've 'met' some of you and you all have been so supportive that I feel like I'm not such a freak!
I really, really appreciate it!

I'm meeting with my new T in a couple of days and will post more after that - and will let you all know what's what. Thank you all so much!!

Hi (((((sarahb)))), I agree with all of the responses to your post and I think it's definitely time to get a new T...your old T sounds way too illequipped!! I wish you the best and I'll be following your story...mlc

Hi SarahB,

No, that's not Melissa Etheridge...just a picture I found on the internet. It looks like a little girl, maybe 5 years old. I started playing guitar about two years ago, right before I started therapy. This picture appealed to me because when I play it's like the "little girl" in me comes out. I get totally absorbed in it and excited about it. It was my first "therapy" Doesn't this little girl look like she's having a blast?

I'm glad to hear the responses helped. This forum has helped me so many times to know I'm not alone, and has helped me greatly to articulate exactly what I'm looking for in therapy. I'm so glad you're here!!

SG

Hi SarahB,
Welcome to the forums! I'm really glad you came here to talk about what happened. I am horrified by the way your T handled this. It is incredibly unethical for a T to unilaterally end therapy especially without providing for any sessions to process the ending. My first T decided to retire from clinical practice to return to school, but gave me five MONTHS notice so we could process it.

I understand why what you did could have made her uncomfortable (although please understand me, I didn't think it was that big a deal) or be considered inappropriate. We are to discuss our feelings in therapy not act on them. BUT, the boundaries are the Ts responsibility. So if a patient crosses one, it is up to the therapist to stay non-defensive and let the patient know where the boundary is and what is acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. But it shouldn't affect the relationship, let alone destroy it. I don't care how upset, or uncomfortable she was about what happened, it is her professional and ethical responsibility to do whatever she needed to do to handle her own feelings: go to a supervisor, work it out in her own therapy, discuss it with a colleague. Not to burden you with her feelings or run YOUR therapy in such a way as to meet HER needs. Frankly, I think she needs a change of profession. I'm not sure she's up to the task.

I am glad you're going to see another T. I hope they can help you work through your pain and distress. I really believe you deserved better than what you got.

AG

Echo - geez, it would be nice if there was a checklist therapists got when they got their degree/license - what is acceptable to them and what isn't! I'm longing for something like that!

Isn't it amazing that you can have a 'regular' relationship with one T and then with another it becomes something much, much more!

AttachmentGirl - I should clarify - I canceled all my future appointments with her... but I will admit that she didn't push to have a face to face meeting. She just accepted my cancellation and wished me luck.

I've been flipping back and forth between wanting to contact her and ask for an appointment for clarification/closure and wanting to just write her a letter/email and put all my thoughts into that... I'm hoping that my new T can help me sort this out. (She was a therapist of an ex of mine - many years ago. I never saw her therapeutically but did make small talk so at least I know her a bit and will feel comfortable talking with her about all of this! Thank goodness!!)

I think the hard part for me is that my feelings go from wanting to see her (because of that ol' transference devil!) to getting angry about how she handled it to being really hurt and then of course, ashamed of bringing this on myself. Part of me is kinda happy that we're supposed to get a heavy snowfall Sunday into Monday - she's out of town this weekend and is flying home on Monday - because it means that she'll probably be stuck or at least inconvenienced because of it . Childish, isn't it???

I wouldn't say childish Sarah, just human.

Hi Sarah...

Ooops on the boundary thing. I know what is happening with you right now really....really sucks. What I think your T is really reacting to is that you sent flowers to her "home". I believe that is what the "impact" was. I think that most therapists guard their privacy very tightly and her home is her only refuge. A place for her to decompress and have her own life without always being a therapist. ya know? All our feelings, trials and tribulations are a big burden for our T's to shoulder.
I think that you scared her with an unsigned "anonymous" gift, penetrating her sacred place. So do you see the metaphor?

Your conscious intent was benign...but we cannot know what our unconscious motivations might be. If we could...we wouldn't be in therapy. I constantly question everything I do and say. The true root of the transference is nearly always unconscious.

I don't think she handled it properly. She knew it was you....but canceled your appt. instead of talking to you face to face. I don't think that was the right response, but I don't think it is a reason for you to quit either.
She may not be ready to deal with your transference issues but you should get that explanation from her.
If you cannot continue with her, then do move on...but get some closure or it will continue to be a source of anguish for you.

Just my thought on the issue....hmmmmm....
Keep on posting...

SD

Hi SarahB! I was just wondering how this turned out with your T...hoping for the best and thinking of you!