I am beside myself right now. Had a text conversation with old T today. My fault this time...I started the conversation. Of course I could just as easily say that it is her fault. I mean afterall, she did contact me not once, but twice after she found out about my Dad. Thank you for ripping me wide open after I had just barely started to put myself back together. Thank you for that. So yes, I have caved and I messaged her tonight and told her that I missed her. Let me just replay the converation for you, just for kicks to see what you think:

Me: I miss you
T: It seems you have an amazing support group via facebook
Me: I have good friends. They have been very helpful, especially during this time with my Dad. They don't know me inside and out, like you. They don't understand the depression. I don't miss you just bc you supported me. I just miss you. You are so filtered in how you respond to me...you don't just miss me?
T: Yes. I do...just don't ever want to hurt you...
Me: By telling me you miss me? That doesn't hurt. Filtered conversations hurt. Feeling like I made a mistake by telling you how I was feeling and deciding to take a therapy break hurts. It feels like your afraid to have anything to do with me now. And feeling like I can't have you as a part of my life unless I am "in therapy" with you hurts.
T: It is an ethical thing. We are not allowed to have personal relationships with our clients. We can lose our license....


Are you f****** kidding me???!! So wait...let me think about this. Therapy has now ended, but still being my friend on facebook is not having a personal relationship with me? Contacting me about my Dad being sick after you found out about him is not having a personal relationship with me?
Oh and yes of course...coming to visit me at the hospital and sitting in the NICU with me while I breastfed my son is not having a personal relationship with me? Or is that different since we were patient/client at that time? Oh and also offering for your daughter to babysit my son is not having a personal relationship? Offering to take me to the Dr or take my Mom to the Dr when I can't drive her is not having a personal relationship? Or is that ok too as long as I am paying you? Oh and while we are at it, seeing as how I have to hear about you from my Mom every other day when I go over to her house and she recaps the phone conversation you guys had, I guess that's not having a personal realtionship either right? I mean God forbid if I were to pick up the phone once when you called MY Mom's house. I think you kinda f*****d yourself on that one when you decided to see your family friends daughter as a patient right? Jesus, I wasn't asking to move into your house T. I was just saying that I miss having contact with you. You know, since you were the one who sat me in your lap and put me in the fetal position and held me while I cried. You were the one who put my head against your chest and told me to listen to you breathing so I could calm down. You were the one who took my calls any time of day and night and helped me out with any thing I needed in my life. You were the one who came to my house and let me come to your office just to "visit" after my kids were born....I'm sorry, I got a little attached. I guess that was my fault too though, huh? So I apologize that I thought it might ok to ask for some kind of contact. I mean you did that between therapy breaks in the past,remember T? You would call to check on me just to see how I was doing when we weren't in therapy, remember? Probably not, huh? Becuase its ok to have a "personal relationship" when it suits you, right?
Of course,something tells me you already know that I wasn't asking for a personal relationhip. Something tells me that you are doing this b/c you probably realized now what your loose boundaries did to me and maybe you are a bit nervous about that? You know that some things that you did were crossing all therapy boundaries (since you even said that to me yourself.) and now you are worried?

Seems the only thing you don't know is anything at all about me. Because I would never ever do anything to threaten your license. I would never do anything to hurt you. Because I love you and because I know none of this was done with bad intentions. And because all I ever do is think about everyone else's feelings. I protect everyones but my own, b/c that is what I was conditioned to do my whole life. I thought you were the only person who knew that about me and who would protect me from being hurt. Wrong again....