Just wanted to thank all of you for asking about me and wondering how my session with my T went on Thursday. I have sat here and tried to write about it since Thursday but it was just impossible to find the words. I guess I needed time to sit and process for awhile.

I was really stressed when I walked into reception trying to focus on what I needed to say to him and still not sure where the anger was coming from. I did feel that some or most was transference and some was here and now stuff. He had a client and when she left he walked out and smiled at me and extended his hand to me as usual. I took it but didn't smile and he saw right away that something was not okay with me. He said to go into his office and he'd be right back. I knew he knew I was upset already.

It's our usual routine that I go in and sit down (although he gave me permission to browse he books and look at his knick knack collection while I wait). I was too nervous and sat down and started to cry from nerves before he even came back in. He took one look at me and said you look awful, what is going on? I said I just don't know. He said... well something is going on because I got 3 calls from oldT who is trying to deliver your files to me! He said they had been trading messages over the past 2 days and he had called him back that morning but had not heard back from him yet. He said my letter to oldT's lawyer must have been very powerful to get him to move so fast.

I had been on the edge because I was unsure of what reaction my letter would have. So then my T asked me what else was going on with me and how long did I feel so bad and I told him since Monday. He asked what had happened and I told him I was not sure but I think I am mad at him. Do you know what he said to me, what he asked me immediately? He wanted to know if he had done something to hurt me. He did not get defensive or brush it off or try to turn it back on me ... he was first concerned with ME and if I was somehow hurt. He is such an amazing T. He wheeled himself closer to me and leaned forward and looked into my eyes and asked me to tell him about it and I was at a loss for words. He then told me that he was the doctor and it was up to him to help me with this and to figure out what to do not me. He asked me a few questions and I started to talk and put things together. I told him I felt angry that he was always pushing me so much and that I could not live up to what all he wants from me and that makes me feel like a failure, just like with my mom. I could never be perfect enough to make her happy. He listened and then asked me if he ever said to me that he felt I was a failure? I said no... that it was all in my head. That it was my feelings, not what he said to me. Then I told him that he upset me because I get no empathy from him just a lot of interpretation and explanationa and it would be nice to see some empathy and for him to say "oh I'm sorry for the pain and agony you are having to deal with. I understand how hard this all is for you". And he said that he had thought he told me those kinds of things but maybe he was not doing a good enough job with the nurturing and that is what I needed to have. He did say that he didn't think he'd stop pushing me though. So I told him well then I'm going to push back and he smiled at me and said "you just did". LOL.

He asked me if I knew what he thought about me and I said said yeah you think I'm smart and brave. And he said yes that is true I think you are courageous and smart but do you know how I FEEL about you? I said no. So he said that I had earned his utmost respect for the way I have conducted myself in the months that he knows me. He said that not many earn his respect. He also told me he likes me, he likes my playfulness and always looks forward to seeing me. And then he said he feels a lot of warmth towards me. That was really nice to hear and I thanked him for telling me.

Then I confessed to him that I was really troubled by what he said to me last week when I told him that I had such a hard time in the mornings, that I wake up scared and shaky every morning and he wanted to know where he was in all of that. How was I using him to help with that? The problem is, that oldT is in that space and he ain't moving out. I have tried to create that mental representation of my new T but I'm having a hard time with it because I immediately go to my oldT when I'm upset but the it's like my mind recoils when I remember how cruel he was to me and my thoughts have no place to go for the secure feeling that I seek. He told me that he knew it was hard and that it would not happen overnight but he hoped that with some time it would happen. He told me he realizes that oldT is my my parent, although he was not a good one and hurt me badly and that he is my step-parent that I cannot accept yet. That it will take time. But that he would be there no matter what.

But... and this is the crazy part... as we were talking I heard noises in his reception room. Footsteps. I paused and asked him if there was already another client waiting out there? He said that it could be his office mate who called and said she forgot her office key and may need him to let her in. He said she could wait. We finished talking but I was getting this really strong feeling that oldT was out there. I wanted to get up and open the door but I felt stupid to do that in his office. And so, finally, I asked him if he could go out and look to see who was out there. He did and no one was there. He looked around and nothing was left there either and so he came back in and closed the door. Two minutes later his beeper went off and he looked at me and said ... it's old T... do you want me to call him back? I said yes, please. So he called oldT on his cell phone and they talked a few minutes about that oldT was there to drop off my files and belongings but he didn't want to knock and there is no receptionist.... (stupid oldT should have known to call first and set a time for the drop off).

And so my T casually mentioned that I wsas there right now with him talking and all of a sudden oldT took a sharp breath of shock (my T described it like he was kicked in the balls) and then all of a sudden he had to go. He had no time to come back up and droop the files. He was likely sitting out in the parking lot and he just could not face me. And so they discussed dropping them later that night or on Monday.

My T hung up and looked at me and said "he is a f'ing coward". I started to cry and tell him that I was so scary he could not even hand me the files. I was so horrible. My T came very close to me and asked me "do I look scared? have I ever looked scared? You are not scary. He is a guilty coward. It's him not you. He had the opportunity to behave like a professional and with some dignity in front of another colleague who works practically down the street from him and what did he do? He ran. He didn't even have the decency to ask about you or to say he hoped you were okay or to say hi" I was shaking so badly by then. Just knowing that he was THERE on the other side of the door... he was SO CLOSE all I had to do was to open the door and I would see him there... I would have had my stuff and now I have to wait until next week. I think that more than anything else just totally defeated me. Knowing he was so close to me. I just had to get out of my chair and open the door. My heart knew it was him out there. And I'm left once again with empty hands.


My T did his best to help me calm down. He spoke softly to me. He told me if oldT came back that evening with the files he would call me and I could go in and we would look at them together. He asked me what I thought was in them? I have no idea aside from my emails to him or my cards and letters and the insurance forms. He did take notes on some occassions.... we wrote down my goals in therapy and then revised them another time. I don't know why I have this need for that info but I guess I'm still looking for why I was terminated. My T warned me that I would find lies in there too and should be prepared for that. Ethically, oldT had to document my termination and what steps he took to avoid it and we know he didn't take any steps.

My T was also so careful to let me know that any anger and frustration I was picking up in the room was not directed at me. He wanted me to know that he wanted to bang his head against the wall in frustration at oldT because of the hurt and harm he caused me but we were fine and good.

I was still shaking when I left him. We shook hands and he patted my arm. He wished me a happy easter and told me to call him anytime over the next days. He told me that he would be around. He said it again when I was leaving....he told me to call for any reason. I almost felt like he hated to send me off back to work knowing what just happened.

In the end, my relationship with my T is just as strong and as good as ever. He is so strong and honest and caring. I told a dear friend about the step parent analogy and she sent me this amazing song by Brad Paisley, He Didn't Have to be...about a wonderful step dad and how he married a single mom with a little child and became a Dad to that child. It was so touching and it made me realize that my T didn't need to or have to take me on... he WANTED to be my T. He was fully booked, he didn't need a new client. But he chose to make room for me in his schedule. He is such a good person. I 'm so blessed to have him in my life. My oldT was the abusive Dad, but my current T is the stepDad is who loving and kind and caring and strong and is someone I can respect and look up to... he is the Dad I always wanted.

I found this quote that I will give him at some point when I'm ready... it reads...."If all the Dads in the world extended their hands toward me in frienship, yours is the hand I would hold." Anon

Thanks everyone if you made it this far. That song really helped me to see what is going on in my head with oldT/newT and right now I feel really close to my T. So close I don't need to contact him for connection because I carry him inside of me now. I just wanted to say I really appreciate you all caring about me and asking about me and offering great support.

I think I'm doing pretty well now.

Love
TN