Hello everyone,

I am hoping you may help me understanding and making sense of my experience in therapy as a child/teen. I am just confused by it, and it has an impact on my current therapy, because of course, I keep thinking it is the same, while it is not. I am sorry for the length.
I saw Childhood Therapist (CT) from when I was 8 to when I was 18. She was a woman in her 50s (I guess? I know she retired a few years ago, so...), Freudian, blank-slate type. I do not have many memories, considering I saw her for 10 years, 6 times a week to begin with, and then 3 or 4, then 2, then 1... (yes, it was covered by insurance, thank god).

She saved my life, and globally my life got much better under her care. But... I struggle with that, as I mostly remember "bad things", and ... I have a feeling some of it was hurtful, but it is very hard for me to decide, because she is seen as a saviour in my family, and how can I blame her when she is the one who saved my life?

I was a very anxious child, very early (insomnia, panic attacks, and weirdly, my parents feared I was vaguely autistic... ), so I started seeing various therapists when I was 4.

However, this was inconsistent until I was 8. When I was 8, my family moved, I changed school and was bullied by the other children and teacher. My father was depressed/suicidal. My rabbit died (erm, yes). And I broke down, stopped eating, stopped drinking (not a eating disorder though, it was... another story), I was having constant panic attacks, at night, during class, all the time, when other people were eating. Anyway, I spent some time at the hospital, and I met her. She allowed me to go to the sessions with my dog (who was an untrained puppy at the time, and while dogs were not allowed in the practice) because it was the only thing that kept me from panicking.

I was paying her (children's money, $2 a session) which I found very unfair, as I knew she was paid by the state. I also had to pay the sessions cancelled, even in advance, because I had to "realise I was hindering my recovery", if it was me choosing to go to a friend's birthday. LAter, I lied to cancel the sessions, saying it was because of school and I had no choice. I always felt it was a way to make me choose therapy over life, and that it was wrong, even if it is not as it was intended.

I remember that CT smoked, during the first years, when it was not forbidden yet. It worried me, and also pissed me off to know that the $2 would serve to pay for cigarettes.

She was very Freudian.
- Blank-slate: the most 'intimate' thing I ever learnt was her first name, because of a change in the names on the mail boxes.
- Terribly obsessed by sexual imagery, even when I was just 8: saying that I was using my dog as a penis, when it was on my laps. I said no. She said "yes, you want a penis". I was disgusted by myself. I wonder whether it played a part in my general disgust in seeing myself as a sexual being.
- Genders... oh, the genders... : as a girl/woman, I was always missing a penis. I used my dog as such. I used my studies as such. Because I refused to accept the truth of my identity and desires. I was refusing to accept I was missing something, that I was suffering from my penislessness... (Gosh, I am very happy I created that word!)
- Telling her I may be interested in girls did not work out so well: "See, it proves you still refuse to admit your real desires, that you are still in your fantasy world, refusing to admit your loss of penis. That's why you are still in therapy."


She was also very much... not the caring type, not the "let's have feelings and try to not make you scared" kind that my current therapist is.

If I felt scared of talking about something, I would not be allowed to talk about anything else, or she would ignore me. It was not allowed to write or draw, or present my feelings in an organized structure (as I like it), or she would ignore me because I was not being true enough (??).
If I said something about bad feelings, or relapse, or doing something not "recovery" she would yell at me, saying I was not a good girl, I was being childish, misbehaving. I felt judged every time I mentioned something beside not being fine. Maybe I was not, I was just imagining it, but she never bothered to let me know it was not the case. If I wanted reassurance, it was not to be provided, I was scolded for asking for it, while I knew that reassurance depended on me. I had to reassure myself. Noone would do it for me.
I just stopped telling her about the actual issues I had. I did not mention the SI, the SUI, my growing problem of "stalkerishness".
I constantly felt not good enough, something that was broken, needing fixing. Never fitting in the Freudian box.
And though... I admired her so much. I never questioned her before last year. I wanted to be a therapist like her (and then decided I was too messed up for that.) I stopped seeing her because I was moving from my town to study and because I felt... too feminist, and too lesbian to ever be able to fit in her expectations. She would never see me as someone okay, and her fixing would fix... not the part of me I wanted to see fixed.

I feel I mostly learned that my problem was that I gave importance to my feelings or fears. Ignore them, and they will go away. Never ask for reassurance or care, it is being childish, and depending on others, a trap, self-indulgence. If I want to not be scared, then, I must stop being scared. Asking for her care is just being self-indulgent.



All this... is hardly compatible with my current therapy, and I feel I betray CT, how can I dare to not trust her when she saved my life? How can I say that... I think those beliefs are hurting me? What an ungrateful person!! She had to be right. But then... how come my current T, whom I respect and already helped me with many things does not constantly laugh at my "dependence" to her, and accepts to comfort me when I am scared, allows me to find ways to be less scared in therapy?

Does anyone of you has any idea how I can make sense of those... conflicting styles? Is it possible that... maybe some of my CT's actions were a bit hurtful, even if she saved my life? (and that I sadly remember mostly the bad parts, because I am ... ungrateful and whiny. )

Thank you for reading.