I had a really intense but interesting session with my T today. We have had some really powerful sessions lately with a few ligher ones in between. Guess I need a breather once in awhile. Last Friday I sat there shaking because of some things that were coming up with regard to my oldT and my sweet T offered to get up and get my blanket for me (it stays on another chair in the back of the room so no one messes with it). I was unable to move so he offered and I declined. He looked at me and remarked that I was having a hard time accepting things from him that I needed. So he asked me again "can I get you your blanket?" And this time I said yes and he walked over and got it and offered it to me. It was a very connecting moment along with those times when he wheels his chair closer to me and leans in towards me as if I'm the most important person in the world. He has just been SO kind and gentle with me and so protective which is a new thing for me but feels just awesome.

Today I was telling him about how I was always trying so hard to be "good" so that I would not be abandoned by my parents and also how it all got reenacted with my oldT. I told him that it was so hard to accept HIS kindness because I was afraid I was going to lose him if I did something wrong because I didn't deserve such kindness from him... it just feels so foreign to me.

He said his commitment to me is not conditional. And that he does not judge me for what I do but for who I am and he knows what a good person I am. He very gently and thoroughly explained to me that what "I" do has no bearing on how the other person will behave towards me. He said he offers me kindness because he is a kind person. That my behavior or my "goodness" does not determine the kind of person he is or who he will be towards me. The problem with my oldT was not that I did anything wrong to have him abandon me. He did not abandon me because I was not "good" enough but because that is the kind of person he is... one who is fearful, insecure, self-centered and self-involved. He puts himself before others. He had the ability to behave abusively. He told me my mother was the same way. She put her needs and feelings before mine, even when I was very young. Of course, as a child I was trapped back then, but now I am an adult and I have the ability to walk away from these kinds of people. I can leave them or avoid them. He is teaching me what to look out for and the kinds of people who are not good people and how to protect myself from them.

He kept reinforcing that there is nothing I can do to "make" a person behave in a certain way... that is the way the person already IS. I didn't cause it and I really cannot control it. This ties in with my repetition compulsion to go back and redo what happened in childhood and to make it work out better this time around. I did that with my oldT. If I could only be "good enough" or "perfect" enough then he would care about me and not abandon me.

His explanations and insight are so amazing to me. I wanted to write about it so that I could take it in and remember it and not repeat the old mistakes. I want to learn from what happened with oldT and with others in my past who abused me. I realize this is not the whole explanation because what has happened to me is way more complicated... but... this is the part where I learn to look out for me and to develop the strength to walk away from bad people and bad relationships and to recognize them in the first place.

We talked of other things like school and my oldT and how I still feel I need to have a face to face with him for closure. My T is very supportive and he says that he is thinking that now I'll be able to handle my oldT in a meeting. That I've gotten stronger and more sure of what actually happened in there and I won't blame myself. I told him how I've been feeling lately about things and he said I'm expressing much more healthy feelings.

As for our relationship... I'm feeling so much more attached to him but without that panickly feeling I always had with my oldT. I don't really know why I'm not feeling that anxiousness about the attachment. Maybe because I feel confident that he understands it and it's okay with him? Maybe because he has told me he likes me and has huge respect for me that he does not give lightly? Maybe because I see and feel the very nice things he does for me. And he may do the same things for others so I'm not thinking I'm special but I am feeling just as important to him as any of his other patients. This was a struggle for a long time because I was very aware his schedule was booked tighly and he has a lot of very long time clients. I was no one to him when I started... as it should be. But now I feel like he is happy to see me (he has told me this) and that we are really starting to solidify our relationship. It just feels really good, like I've finally found a place where I can stop and rest and take in his nourishment before my wings heal and I fly off again one day far into the future.

Thanks for listening
TN