Broken, from what I have read on the topic of trauma and working with traumatic memories, they really cannot be processed and integrated until there is a firm and secure level of trust and safety with your T. This is the first stage of this kind of work and could also be the longest. It could also move back and forth... sometimes you may feel secure and then lapse back into feeling like T is not trustworthy or safe. There is really no set time period for the security and trust to be established. It differs from person to person and dyad to dyad.

You may be experiencing some calm in the attachment area because your T has shown consistence and steadiness and non-defensiveness with regard to the attachment you are working on. This would be a good sign. And if it does falter a bit, that would be normal as well.

You will get to those really difficult issues when you feel the time is right and you are feeling stable in the relationship.

TN

TN,

Thank you. I was worried in a sense that T was going to see it as me be better and then have it be "okay, we are done with therapy." As you can see, I am not better because I am still freaked about ending and being away from her. But, at the same time, I do feel some more security in our relationship.

Last week I grew frustrated at T for telling me that I have met some of my initial goals. I felt as if she was pushing me out the door. I totally regressed and threw a fit.

I am still working through that. Have you experienced anything similar?

--B

Hi Broken,

I've always felt pushed away when T talks about me meeting goals or making progress and express this to him, so he is really careful how he phrases things to me. So, yes, I've experienced that. Can you tell T that you felt as though she was pushing you out the door? And maybe she can provide you with reassurance that making progress doesn't equal you leaving therapy?

xoxo

Liese

Hi Broken,
You know, it's hard for me to call you Broken because now that I know you, you're not BROKEN!

Anyway, I agree with TN. I know with my T, we continually discuss the transference and attachment issues, often in comparison to my real feelings for him. For example, last week after my session, I did not text him at all for support. Although I wanted to have an overt connection and hear from him, I felt such a deep affection for him that I did not want him to have to think about me or contact me or fit me into his schedule. I used my skills diligently to help myself. At the end of yesterday's session we talked about how I did not reach out to him and I realized that maybe at that moment, my feelings were for HIM not whomever he represents in the transference. It was very neat to see that.

As far as disclosing things like CSA, and other abuses, when I began disclosing, it was totally unexpected. I didn't plan it it. It was very natural. MY T said to me the other day that I didn't need to disclose things that I didn't feel comfortable with. I answered, yes I do. I have to get this out so that I don't spend the rest of my life with this baggage. Yesterday, I revealed more and it was stuff from my adult life that I did that I feel very guilty and ashamed about. He responded emphatically that we all do things that are "bad" but that doesn't mean that we are "bad." He also reminded me that I am continually repenting and tried to help me see that I am a good person. Afterwards, my emotional mind was really busy with: "what does he really think? Does he think I'm a WH___? Would he let me near his children? I was getting ready to text him a very emotional mind text and suddenly I received a text from him asking me for the recipe for the cake I had made (I brought him a few pieces). I was elated by it feeling such love and tenderness from him that I didn't even need to send the emo text (until later). I told him, "You can't be so appalled by me because you ate my cake! My emo mind is wild but you let me touch you through your stomach nevertheless. I believe that my emo mind is off base right now because right now I feel that you are with me and I feel tenderness."

Attachment is so weird!

I was going to post...nearly exactly what TN said, but much less eloquently than she already worded it, so I will just say that TN is smart and wise on this topic and I would go with that!

Thanks to you all. I feel better now understanding that just because I am meeting some of the goals set in our initial session that it doesn't mean we are completely done with our therapeutic journey. I told T over the phone the other day that I was mad at her for acting like I was all better when I didn't feel better. She just listened to me vent, and I am sure we will explore it in session again.

((ND))--I want to thank you for saying that I am not Broken. That was so special of you to say to me. Sometimes I still feel broken, but slowly I think I am piecing myself together again. Maybe I should change my name? LOL! I don't know--I am a little partial to the Broken thing, but I do like Brokes...Broke... B!

Once again, you all help me to understand the not so linear process of therapy. It eases my mind and puts some of my anxieties to rest.

Love and hugs to all of you.

--Brokes

quote:

Last week I grew frustrated at T for telling me that I have met some of my initial goals. I felt as if she was pushing me out the door. I totally regressed and threw a fit.

I am still working through that. Have you experienced anything similar?

Oh my gosh B... yeah I experience that all the time. Whenever my T says something about the future like... what you are learning here I want you to take out into the world with you... I get all panicky like he is telling me to go away and back out to the world and I don't want to leave him yet. It's inconceivable that I could leave him (does that tell you I'm attached LOL?). Or if he says... I can see how far you have come and how much you have improved... then I get the cold chills through my body. He is probably only trying to encourage me in my progress but to me it sounds like... we are done here so go already.

What has helped with this T (more than oldT who was always telling me that his job was to put himself out of a job) is that he tells me he never terminates a patient and it's up to me when to go. He tells me there will be a time when I won't need him as much but I'm welcome to stay but I may decide to cut back on sessions. It's all up to me. I know he says this because he trusts the process and he knows what will happen. He has had clients for many years who come and go. I think he is much loved by clients which is a good thing.

So yes, I do understand how you feel. I think the only way to help those feelings is to be open and talk about them with you T.

TN

Tn - your T sounds delightful and your comments continue to give me hope.

Brokes - I reckon your T is now getting you to a safe and secure place - last week may been the turning point for you - you are starting to regulate your emotions on your own between sessions - and I think T probably has you at a place where you can start to do some heavy work. It is up to you how much you do and how far you push.

You are on such an exciting journey Brokes - and you are doing so well. Love hearing about your stuff.

quote:

In the past week though, I feel like something has calmed the storm. I am not sure what that means? Is this just a part of the process? I feel good about T, but I am not as panicky over her leaving. I still cannot imagine an end to therapy EVER, but my thoughts of needing her 24 hours a day have settled down quite a bit.

Oh Brokes, I see this as a good, healthy sign that your allowing yourself to finally start to trust that T is really there for you. Or at least that's how my T explained it to me when I expressed the same thing to her. It's when that "ohmygosh-I-can't-live-without-her" feeling started letting up, that I actually realized that it's ok to be attached to her, and that is a good thing for me, cause it has made it easier to work, with less time being spent on how she can prove to me she's not going anywhere. You're more secure in the relationship! This is good!

quote:

Last week I grew frustrated at T for telling me that I have met some of my initial goals. I felt as if she was pushing me out the door. I totally regressed and threw a fit.

Totally get this, too. My T said I was doing well, and I freaked. It took a good few weeks to get back together - T explained that we're making progress, and we're getting closer to being able to start really working. That once I get "healthy" (I've got a health issue complicating things mentally) then we'll really be able to start working on some of the harder stuff. It's totally like peeling an onion, lots and lots of layers.... no end in sight at this time.

((((Brokes))))

Thanks to all of you lovelies!

I realize that I am starting to form an attachment that is definitely more secure and allows me to feel better about being away from T for a while. It's definitely strange. I think the memories that I have been having this week, and the focus on other stuff kind of shows that. It's not all about me missing T. It's about me feeling sad about what I didn't get and what happened to that little girl long ago.

It's starting to make a little bit more sense now as I go on. It's definitely not completely understandable, but I am working towards feeling at least.

I know AG said something that made me realize "WOW! SO true." You can't really intellectualize everything in therapy. You have to feel it. In her blog she mentioned that if we could just intellectualize things then T's could hand us a book and be like "there you go, you are all set." It's the experience and the feeling that make healing happen.

Love to all--Brokes

Isn't that true about just handing over a book! I bet many othersd have read as many "self help" books as I have ~ LOL!

Hey Broken,

Just checking in on you. Have you thought about changing your name? It's not that I don't like it and I'm sorry that I'm being so forward here. It just hurts me that you see yourself as broken.

I'm so confused about this thread. I don't see that you edited your first post but I thought you wrote something in there about being scared because T said you met some initial goals. Did I dream that up?

I'm editing this to say that I found that comment in a later post on this thread. Okay, I'm feeling better now. Must go get those reading glasses from the car.

xoxo

Liese

((LIESE))

OMG, I swear when I come to the forums all "broken" and in pain there is always something here to remind me to hold on. I am struggling today. It's been hard. I feel that my fear of ending has caused me to revert to some of my own habits of coping. T wouldn't be very happy with me, but I wrote to her a little and expressed my sadness. She is holding me off until Friday. Damn, that woman's boundaries are FIRM.

I appreciate your comment about my name. I've thought of changing it. I am in the process of coming up with something appropriate and meaningful. I guess I am reluctant to give up broken--I've grown attached (Surprise, Surprise). You all know me by that name too so I feel like I'd be giving up something. I will think of changing tonight and will conjure up a different name.

Thanks for reaching out to me and being so kind and caring. I really love all of you so much. You've made huge impacts on my life, and my thinking.

Love, B (for now)

Okay--Liese,

I've changed it to Hollywood. A good friend calls me this...and by God if I am the biggest drama queen you'll ever meet.

((HUGS)) for making me feel a little less broken.

Oh Hollywood, I love the new name and I love the avatar. I'm so glad you are not feeling completely "broken" any more. I was thinking of changing my name too but do find it's hard when everyone knows you by a certain name.

xoxoxo

Love,

Liese

P.S. Sorry you are having such a hard weekend. I hope you don't have to face ending anytime soon.

Thanks Liese!


I don't know when the end is coming. I think I have been fearing it since therapy started. I started in June...and it's been freaking me out ever since, especially now because I am totally attached to T. This is just something that I do--never enjoy the moment...always looking ahead.

Love, Hollywood

Hey Hollywood,

I think it's good that you know you are worried about ending therapy. I wasn't that aware of what I was feeling when I had those same feelings. But my T knew or at least guessed and he told me I never have to leave therapy or I can leave when I want and that's the way it should be. It made me feel one million times better. Can you talk to your T about it? Have you talked to her about it?

xoxo

Love,

Liese

Hey Broken Hollywood

Can you and T organise a timeframe for you - can you book up appts say 6 months ahead. This means you know that you have that time frame ahead of you. T should be able to give you a rough idea how much she thinks you need to be there.

I have gone ?10 or more times to this T and I am not attached - but feeling very unsettled and not happy and we are having a fight. Well I am. I am at the opposite end to you - I love hearing how attached you are to your T - it gives me something to aim for.

Brokes - my T urged me right at the beginning to book up a couple of months appointments - this really made a difference for me. I think I will be going to therapy for at least 12 months - isn't that is what is reco'd for BPD?

sd

Hi Hollywood

(Nice name change!)

quote:

Also, if someone could answer this for me. T and I have not explored many of my past issues (rape, sexual abuse, neglect, etc.) She does Cognitive with a mix of psychodynamic and DBT... do you think these issues will be explored once she realizes that the attachment is finally secure and that I am stable enough to handle things?

I think you're correct, in that building a trusting, safe relationship is imperative before doing any deep trauma work, but often the work moves back and forth between trust building and trauma work. XOXO (UV) answered a similar question in another thread and I thought her answer was an excellent description of what needs to happen, so I'm just going to link to it below.

Could be blocking work

As for the fear of leaving, that is one that I really struggled with also. Especially since my first T had retired before I was finished. The attachment and transference were so intense at first, that it could actually feel like I would die if I couldn't see my T. (I KNOW this was never true, but it FELT like it). I think the best thing to do is to bring up this fear to your therapist.

I talked about my fear with my T and he straight out told me that I was welcome to come as long as I liked, that he would NEVER ask me to leave. That he knew some people might see it as self serving (permanent paying customer, yea!) but that he knew how important it was that I knew I was always welcome.

Once I heard that, it became ok to start healing and feeling better, because healing and feeling better were no longer connected to leaving. And he was true to his word (as well as very patiently repeating it as many times as I needed to hear it), I did not stop going regularly until I decided to. And even now, his door remains open any time I wish to go back (saw him this morning actually ). So for me, it was crucial to the work that I knew I wasn't going to have to leave before I was ready. My T has a lot of trust for the process and knew that if he allowed me the dependency I needed to finish developing, that the time would come that I wanted to leave. Just as we wouldn't tell a three year old that they would move out some day even though we know they'll want to.

I also want to reassure you that one of the reasons it became ok to step out was that I have a deep trust and understanding of the bond between us, that it remains no matter how separated we become by time or place.I could leave because I know now that he comes with me, and I stay with him.

AG