((((Pippi)))))
I'm so sorry because I hear how deep in pain you are, not to mention being so scared of being abandoned or abused. I want you to know that I could have written most of your post although my rape was in my childhood. So the first thing I want to tell you is that I do understand and you're feelings all make sense to me. The deep desire to move closer accompanied my a terror of doing so. And I found a therapist who completely understood and helped me work my way through the hellish bind you're in. And it is hellish. My T has told me that dealing with an insecure attachment where the source of pain is also the person we should be going to for comfort is the hardest thing to heal from. Because the very thing we need to do to heal, open up, trust and experience a caring other absolutely feels like the very worst thing we can do.

I spent almost two years creeping closer and trying to run away. My creativity for finding reasons why I needed to leave was absolutely astounding so the pull and push of how you're feeling makes total sense to me.

I'm really glad that you found the courage to come hear and talk about how you're feeling because you deserve to be heard. I must say that I wish you were recieving more compassion from your T. Is he at all experienced with trauma? Because it's not at all unusual for a rape victim to have trouble talking about what happened to them. Their is often a very deep (and completely undeserved) sense of shame about what happened and even a fear that if we talk about it and let someone else see our shame that it will hurt them or contaminate them. I just dealt with this in a recent session. So I think instead of berating you for not doing what "you're supposed to do" your P should instead be working on making you feel safe enough to start to speak. I know that you have a part in this; at some point you have to just go ahead and speak but your P could be doing a lot more to make the terror recede enough for you to speak.

I know you haven't talked to him about the transference but have you been able to express your fear that something you do or say will get you sent away? I had to ask for reassurance about that again and again (I mean literally I think my T has reassured me literally weekly for almost two years. He understands that even when I hear him its difficult to hang on to because all of my experience tells me I can NOT trust it. It may be that if you first speak about your fears about speaking that you could get enough reassurance to talk about the other things.

But I also think that your P is doing a poor job with boundaries. The boundaries are the P/Ts responsibility and he should provide you with clear guidelines for contact that allow you to know what support is available and to protect him from feeling burned out. Because letting you do something until it bothers him and then dumping the blame on you is a re-enactment of what's happened to you in the past and therapy is all about talking about what's going on so you DON'T reenact it.

But I want to say that I could be very offbase. I know that I projected a lot of anger, frustration and contempt on to my T and often was completely convinced that he really felt that way. But every time I checked in with him to see if he felt that way, it wasn't true. When it is so hard to speak, we are often making assumptions based on feelings that aren't always a good reflection of what's really going on. The only way we can find out is to ask the other person so we can cross check our emotions against reality. But its a scary hard thing to do. But what I'm really trying to say is that alot of the negative emotions you are attributing to your T are really about your expectations based on treatment in the past (which makes a lot of sense and is how anyone would feel) rather than on how your P is actually feeling.

So here's the thing and the hard part. If you never speak up and reveal your feelings and who you are then you don't have your P. So there's no difference between not speaking up about your feelings and speaking up about your feelings and losing your P. But in the later case, you would at least know that you need to find someone who is a better match for you and has the understanding, patience and compassion to help you heal.

Because you can. I know it feels impossible from where you are right now, but please believe me that I've been there and with the help of an understanding T have healed so much.

I am really glad that you came here for support, I wish there was some way to take your pain away. But I do want you to know that I hear you and care about what's going on.

AG

quote:

I can have these conversations with myself in my head and get out exactly how I feel but when I go to write it down I cant remember it or it just doesnt come out the same. I have never been able to sit in front of someone and tell them how I feel.

((((((Pippi))))))

This happens to me all the time. I'm so sorry you're in this place, it is so tough and painful. There are so many things you've said that I've struggled with, too. AG's response was wonderful and I don't have much to add. I just wanted you to know I care and I'm thinking about you.

SG

Hi pippi,
that's sounds like a very difficult situation, and complicated.
Is your psychiatrist also your therapist? Are you having therapy sessions with him or just appointments/regular visits? It sounds like he doesn't understand what are you feeling and what is happening. I hope he will understand, once you will be ready to tell him.

Thanks for the responses. They really did help a lot. My psychiatrist does do therapy with me too. He wants me to have another therapist but I cant afford that so he does my meds and therapy. I only see him once a month because that is all I can afford but he did say that if we need to adjust how often I am seeing him we will find a way to do that.

My anxiety is really bad right now because I have a session coming up on Wednesday. I want to see him so bad right now and its hard not to call him. But I also wrote down a lot of stuff to take to him. I got drunk before I did it because when I am drunk I do my best thinking (I know it sounds weird) and I am not as scared to say how I feel. I have about 8 pages worth of stuff that I have not told him or been to scared to be real honest about, including the rape and transference. It has been very hard for me to not go back and rewrite it to make it sound better or reveal less information. That is what I always do. I write something to take it and then keep rewriting it because I think I would be too embarrassed to give him it cause it says exactly what I think or feel with no filters on it. But this time I have not let myself do it.
I plan on taking it with me and when I first get there I am going to tell him that I am really scared to give it to him and that this is the first time I have really wrote out what I was feeling and thinking and didnt change any of it. Maybe he will then see I am really trying. Its all stuff I need to tell him but I am definitely freaking out about it right now so I put the notebook in the car so that I wont even have it around. I did reread it before I put it in the car and everything I wrote while I was drunk was accurate information and the closest I have come to getting how I truly feel down on paper or out of my mouth.

So we will see how it goes on Wednesday. Thank you!

pippi... I know how hard it is and how the anxiety can ramp up before a session, especially one in which you need to discuss painful and scary things. I think your plan is a good one... to tell him as soon as you walk in how scared you are and how hard this is but that you wrote down a lot of really honest and raw thoughts that you need him to be aware of. Just to be able to write it down was a brave thing to do and I'm sure you will handle the session just fine. I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you on Wednesday. Please let us know how it goes.

TN