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7 replies

Unsure if I made the right decision

zzMember
I did something really stupid last night. I got drunk and cut. This morning I went to the ER to get the cuts checked out, a couple of them looked like they may need some attention. They decided not to stitch any of them up, but did call in someone to have me evaluated.

It takes an hour or so for the person to get there, so I gave my T a call to see get an idea if he thought going to a psychiatric hospital would be helpful. I did reach him, but he didn't really give me much in the way of guidance. He did, at least, think it was good that I was taking care of myself by going to the ER in the first place.

I've been admitted twice before for suicidal ideation. (Years ago) The first time was nearly traumatizing because I was so scared, they wouldn't listen to me, and wouldn't tell me when they'd let me go home. (I was supposed to be there for overnight observation.) The second time I found more helpful. I got a few days to chill out without any temptations of hurting myself. Unfortunately, my family freaked out, my mom flew up and her and my husband were all over me the entire time I was in there. My mom and husband also had some words which neither one of them will let go of and so they won't talk to each other anymore.

I'm not sure what being hospitalized would have done for me this time. A couple of days of being safe from myself. I don't think I'd want them messing with my meds, since I have someone who knows me and my history better then they would. More time to talk and work on whats got me on such a downhill course. Ultimately, though, I have to stop cutting. There will always be things around that I can use. I guess I just didn't see how a couple of days away would ultimately make a difference.

So, I let them know I wanted to be discharged. I wasn't suicidal and they confirmed that with my husband. (I went to the hospital without his knowledge and asked them not to call him so I am not pleased that they did.)

I called up my T again to let him know. Maybe I was reading things into his tone of voice that weren't there, but it seemed like he would rather I have stayed. So, we'll be working with my psychiatric nurse on meds and find an adjunctive program, such as DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy)

I just don't know. I'm feeling pretty down, worn out and beat up today.

As if my arm didn't hurt enough, they gave me a tetnus shot. I think my left arm is going to file a restraining order against me pretty soon!
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whereamiwhereamiMember
Hi Heather,


I am so sorry it was such a hard night and day; from your post back to mine earlier this weekend, holiday weekends are very tough. I am glad you went to the ER, and it sounds like you were able to really think through what you thought was right for you right now, and act on it. That was a really big step to take for now. Will your T see you tomorrow? Just keep getting through the day.

Thinking of you.

whereami
zzMember
Yeah, I see my T tomorrow. I'm doing reasonably ok now. Mostly exhausted, just trying to relax and be kind to myself.

The folks at the hospital have been good and supportive each time I've been. I'm thankful for that. I know that self injurers aren't always treated as well.

Thanks for you kind thoughts Smiler
L learningtoflyMember
Hey there heather, don't beat yourself up over this too much. And don't let anyone make it into a big deal when you know it isn't. Obviously cutting isn't an ideal way to cope but sometimes we do things just to get us through. Do you know if there was anything in particular that triggered you to cut last night?

I don't think you needed to be hospitalised. You aren't a danger to yourself. You said yourself the cuts weren't too bad. And you aren't suicidal. So hospitalisation probably wasn't a good idea. If you do feel like you need a time out from your life maybe you can get away somewhere for a couple of days. And no self-harm while you are away... pretend it's your own private retreat. Just an idea.

I'd be pissed if i were you too about them calling your husband. Your T's reaction may not be what you were hoping for but it's pretty normal i guess. He probably feels he isn't doing the best job if you continue to self-harm. That's the vibe i got from mine anyway... What reaction were you hoping for if you don't mind me asking? DBT is meant to do wonders for cutting, if you do start on it let me know how you go.

Stopping self-harm was/is one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life. There's no point trying unless you decide it's actually something you want to stop. That's why it took me so long. I was doing it for other people, not for myself. And it meant giving up my safest, surest coping mechanism. Scary stuff. I still think about it a lot. Sometimes I am ready to give in, get out my stuff (yea I still have it all) and hold it ready to cut. But something stops me now. I am starting to find other ways to cope but it's still hard.

Anyway, just letting you know you aren't alone.

LTF
zzMember
quote:
Hi Heather, How is today going?


I'm doing ok. Usually my T is pretty laid back, tells me to go at my own pace and so forth. Not today. He wouldn't let me curl up and hide. He insisted that I look at him and acknowledge that he was in the room with me. Imagine a clam, and a T with a crow bar prying the poor clam open. That's what it felt like.

I think we may have pried out what it is I've been avoiding. So I guess that's good. Though ... there's a reason I've been avoiding it :P

I miss my kinder gentler T, but I'm glad he's working hard with me.

Thank you for your thoughts Smiler
zzMember
Thank you guys for thinking of me Smiler

This week has been really rough, but I'm doing better. I saw my T this morning and talked about how angry I was at him and frustrated with how hard he was on me Monday.

I told him I'd been thinking about this lolcat - and changing the caption to:

"Don't u 'nice therapist' me - u no longer hab a nice therapist"

He asked if I was talking about him no longer being a nice therapist or me no longer being a nice patient. Heh, I told him it worked both ways Smiler I wasn't being particularly nice either. Then he told me that this was a positive thing that I affected him, because it showed that I had power in our relationship.

After I cut worse then usual, I have a calm period where I don't want or feel the need to cut again for a while. So, we're going to be working during this calm period to get the support and skills I need and to start getting to where I can make the changes I need to before the next storm starts.

Things are calming down for now Smiler

quote:
Hummingbird Said:
Anyway, i just thought of you when i read it and it made me smile at this picture of a surgeon hiding inside you just waiting to come out when you had too much to drink.


Hmmmm, I think I'd have to drink while doing surgery ... because usually this sort of thing creeps me out!! Smiler

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