You could just casually mention that you saw the news program and found that your husband was on the list; maybe your psychiatrist would be interested in checking for himself.

...but you should probably just be honest and disclose; I'm not the best at giving "healthy" advice, I tend to hide in therapy.

yeah, I might be able to try it that way. Not sure how to exactly bring it up. I have been thinking about why I do it and I thought about the fact that if I am ever searching anything about anyone on the internet I will go ahead and search him too. I even go to his nonused facebook page atleast once a day even though it doesnt even have his picture just to see his name and I know its something he did and its connected to him in some way which gives me at little bit of a connected feeling to him. I know that probably sounds stupid. I want any information I can get on him and cant keep myself from searching stuff on him just to get some type of connection with him. I kind of wish I did not have this information because maybe because it involves money and a couple of him are from his work address that I should know this stuff. I am worried how he will respond. I dont want to lie to him but I also dont want to tell him the truth. And do I tell him now or dread this for the next month until I see him again?

the facebook thing doesn't sound stupid to me at all, I google my therapist every day hoping to find something new, to no avail. I wish he had a facebook page, even if it was unused. I'd visit it every day.

Pippi,

I will add my two cents and say "Tell him." After I told my T about all the stuff I searched on her (well, I guess I didn't exactly tell her ALL the stuff, because that would have been a bit much), I felt SO MUCH RELIEF! And she appreciated my honesty and that I told her that stuff when I didn't have to tell her at all. So I suggest you just tell him and get it off of your chest. It will feel better!

MTF

I have tried to figure out on my own why I do it and why I cant keep a connection with someone when I am not right there with them. I wish I knew and I have even asked my old high school P on this. I usually dont get mad at myself for doing the searching because I know there is a reason behind it and hopefully one day me and my P can figure it out and I can somehow understand it and fix it. But I just wish I didnt know this information cause like my husband said "how do you not tell someone they have several hundreds in unclaimed money, and its all money from insurance companies making payments related to his business. Maybe I will try it yalls way the next time I see him and tell him the reason I am telling him this is because I want to find out why I do this and how to stop it. I do have a saved voice mail from him but he doesnt know it and its one where he was angry at me for calling him so much and basically telling me it was over he was going to stop seeing me cause things just werent working out and that I had two minutes to call him back if I wanted to talk to him at all. And of course I called him back and told him what was going on which saved the relationship cause he understood that I was upset over seeing him hug the other patient.

I do like the idea of seeing if he will write something down cause that is something that I could carry with me every where and feel some connection to him when ever I needed it.

My old highschool P gave me these pin things that had the highschool name and mascot on them (of course he broke the pointed pin part off since i am a cutter) and told me to carry them with me. This was when I had graduated and was having a hard time with not seeing him so he came to an appointment with my therapist to try to help me. He told me to use those as things to help me talk, I was suppose to give them to my therapist or P when I needed to tell them something that was very hard for me to tell them. I dont think I ever used them for that purpose but I would carry them around me with and sometimes just hold them tightly in my hand, sometimes just stare at them and there have been times that I even slept with them. I graduated in 2001 and I still have them. They are very important to me and keep the connection with my old high school psychologist. I wish I had something like that with my P but I am scared to ask cause I dont want to be told no or sound stupid for needing something like that. But I really do need one

Hey Pippi -

I was thinking about your post - how powerful it is that you KNOW how much you have been helped and steadied by having those pins. It's a way of having connection without breaking boundaries.

I was thinking how cool it would be if you could explain this to your P and get this need met. I know it is scary to ask, but how wonderful it would be to have that little thing to connect you. It's not stupid or too much to ask - don't know if you will feel up to it, but I just wanted to tell you that I thought this was a GREAT idea, and that whether you ask right now or not I think you're clever for thinking of it.

J

I am going to find some way to ask my P for a letter a recording or something from him that will give me that connection. I dont know how I will do it, I will probably have to write it down and explain why that way, but I am going to do it at my next appointment which is May 12th. I am scared to death to ask for this because if the answer is no I dont know what I will do or how I will feel but this is something that will help me and if I dont ask I will never know. And if I dont ask and then find out later on that he would have done it for me if I would have asked then I would be really dissappointed. So from now until the next appointment I will find a way to do this. Its going to be a hard appointment anyways because of something I did.

I sent him an email kind of telling him what was going on and feeling bad about searching him and that I have been going to his daughters facebook page and his and explained that even just seeing him name gives me some connection to him that I need right now. The last thing I put on the email was "I love you!". After I wrote it I thought about it and was nervous about pushing send but then I started thinking that he tells me to be honest about what I am feeling and thinking and if I was thinking and feeling that then I should just press send, so I did. Plus I figured he says he never checks him email anyways so it would be months before he gets this email. I was way wrong! I did put on there that since he usually doesnt write back to atleast send me something saying he read it and everything else we can talk about in session if he wants. I have told him to at least let me know he has read emails in the past so I didnt expect anything back and never expected to know if ever read cause he never writes back or mentions my emails in session. Within 30 minutes I had a response from him saying he had read it, that he was sorry things were so hard right now and that I just needed to hang in there. He told me that we need to start working on me learning to deal with things by using my own resources...but he didnt seem mad at all that I had been doing the searching. But the last thing in the email said "And dont say the l word to your doctor, thats not cool." I did write him back and ask why not to use the l word for my doctor cause thats how I feel and he says to be honest. He didnt say much about it but he did write back and say that was just for appointments and then said that I know he doesnt do email so no more emailing.

But it did feel good to get the replies cause that means he is starting to trust me again about contacting him when I really need his help not just for other reasons. But that is going to make for one really uncomfortable session when we start discussing about me writing I love him. And I also told him in the email that I have been having sex dreams about him almost every night and that all I want is to be where he is and be in his arms. He didnt say anything about that in his response but I know it will come up in session. So I am going to do my best to be ready to discuss it and if its already going to be a hard session I might as well ask about him giving me something he wrote or something of his to help me with the connection. But I am going to be so nervous before this session! I am so much braver on email cause I will flirt and tell him all those things I want to do with him a lot easier than I can in person...but I will do it.

Hi pippi;

I can imagine this long wait between appointments is going to be really difficult. Would printing out part of the e-mail(s) and carrying them with maybe "hold you over?" I keep a pic of my therapist with me at all times as a source of strength, and I also have a little note he wrote me that I also carry.

I know how scary and tough it can be to ask your T for something; fear of the word "no" is a big problem for me. I hope he chooses to help you out and give you at least SOMETHING. (the note I carry is just a post-it with four words on it, I don't think that's unreasonable)

I hope you can "hang in there" until your next session; and in the meantime you can always come on here for some support.

--WLOH

quote:

But the last thing in the email said "And dont say the l word to your doctor, thats not cool." I did write him back and ask why not to use the l word for my doctor cause thats how I feel and he says to be honest. He didnt say much about it but he did write back and say that was just for appointments and then said that I know he doesnt do email so no more emailing.

Pippi, the thing he replied about the L-word, that would hurt me badly... I wonder why did he say this. Could it be that the email is just for appointments? Or does he mean you should not say this to him at all? That must be really painful.
I was actually thinking about it today, after I read your post in the morning. Does he mean that you are not suppose to say it at all, or you can but only when you see him in person?

I think that he means I can only say the l word in session cause before when I have written it down and given the paper to him in session he has said "thank you for saying you love me but you know I cant return that love in the way that you want me to." When I read the part about not saying the l word to your doctor I kind of laughed cause I was thinking about how I do it all the time in emails to him and he never responds and never says anything about it in session so it was kind of nice that he at least recognized that I said it and didnt just ignore it. And it was one of those things that I was pushing the boundary on a little bit to get a response out of him for once and it worked...so it felt kind of good to have him say it but at the same time I was like "why not say it when I say it all the time and that is how I feel" but I consulted another therapist that I met online and talk to from time to time and he said that my P probably wants to leave the heavy emotions for in the therapy room so that we can deal with them together instead of trying to discuss it over the phone or through email where things can get misunderstood. And he doesnt want me to try to work through everything on my own right now when things are so hard, so I need to save it for the therapy room. So Im going to go to the therapy room and tell him that I love him and I am going to tell him that several times during the session!

I used to have a picture of my P on my phone but he was not real happy about it. SO I got rid of it like he asked me to. I do go to his daughters facebook page and look at his pictures on there which does help.

I did discuss this with my therapist today and she said it sounded like a great idea to ask for something like this from him. She said having something tangible from him is healthier than constantly contacting him and that she doubts he will say no. So I emailed him today asking him and just said we can discuss it more in session but I just need a yes or no answer now...so hopefully he will write me back. My therapist said I could ask him ahead of time to make it easier to discuss in session.

Well, I sent my psychiatrist an email asking about two important questions. One was about the covering up the tattoo with his name on it with a lion and cub because of the story he told me that symbolizes our relationship. I was nervous about asking him cause I didnt want to sound stupid for still wanting to keep some connection to him. I was surprised when he wrote back and said that I should get it done and that he liked the idea.

The other question was about giving me some kind of object that will help me keep a connection to him when I am not with him. He said that he was not sure about that but that he would think about it between now and my next appointment and that we could talk about it when I go see him. At least it wasnt a no, and at least I took the risk and asked him for what I really needed and wanted. It seemed like a scary risk but right now I am thinking that even if he says no that it was a still step forward. What got me to do it is if he said yes then I had the chance to get what I needed from him which would be amazing but if he said no then I would be right where I was now. I dont have anything from him right now so that would not change and just cause he told me no doesnt mean he would be rejecting me or not like me. It may feel like that is what would be happening but the truth is that its not my. My head and feelings would be lying to me because I got hurt, but it would still just be lies that maybe he and I could work through and it could be a big step in the right direction.

But Im still hoping that he realizes how important this is to me and how much I do need it and that its a step in the right direction in creating a healthier relationship and attatchment to him. But we will see on May 12th I guess....seems like such a long time to wait

Pippi,

Sounds like you should pat yourself on the back, girl!! Way to go! You were brave to ask these questions and I am impressed with the place you are at in your mind with being able to understand that if he cannot give you a transitional object that it doesn't mean it's about you or that he doesn't like you or is rejecting you. It's great that you are taking the giant step of asking for what you need. Great job!!! You should be very proud of yourself, and I hope that you get what you need.

MTF

Pippi,
I asked my T to give me something, some small thing that I could have with me while I will be away, far away from him (I'm going home for 10 days - long enough). Something that would remind me of him and keep me connected.
He agreed to it but under the condition that I will return it to him when I'm back.
He gave ma a short note/letter to take with me. So that was really nice. Something that I will hold on to while being far, far away from him. I don't know how many times I read it already. It's nothing personal or emotional, just short note with a few kind words and a reminder of next appointment - very important, something to look forward to, something that IS THERE after I'm back. The world doesn't shift when I'm gone, and it's going to stay the same when I'm back. I think it really makes me feel safe. I feel ensured that our relationship doesn't change, is not threatened in any way while I'm gone, back to the place which I always wanted to leave. It stays the same.

I hope that your P will give you something, maybe for some time only. The time between your appointments is so long that it would be really nice to have something that would keep you connected in between. But if he refuses, I believe it will be becaue he must do what he thinks will be best for you.

Amazon- that is awesome that your T is willing to do that for you. I hope that mine will and the wait is just killing me. I hope if he does that it is something more than just a note cause those are so easy to loose or to forget they are in your pocket and let it go through the washing machine and that would devastate me! That is my biggest fear because I know it would go every where with me and what if I leave it in my pocket and then my husband decides to do laundry and it ends up in the washer? Scary just thinking about it now and I dont have anything from him yet. I always go to the worst possible thing.

Monte- Thanks for what you said because to me I never seem very brave and feel like I dont open up enough and that I am not making enough progress. I was so excited when I read those words "you should get the tattoo." I couldnt believe he agreed with it. We had talked in the past about getting his name removed but that is so expensive! And I told him just thinking about getting his name removed off my leg or getting it covered up starts to freak me out until I came up with this idea of getting a different tattoo that symbolizes our relationship instead of just being about him. And I will definitely use what my therapist said as ammo! I will do everything I can to convince him to give me what I need cause I want it that bad and need it that bad...even if it making my T call my P and explain to him why she thinks its a good idea.

These next few weeks are going to be pretty hard. I have not talked to my christian counselor in over a month because she went out of town for three weeks and right before she came back her mom died so she was gone a couple extra weeks and now she is dealing with that. Dont know when I will get to start seeing her again. But the other thing is I wont see my P until the 12th of May which seems like forever and then yesterday at my therapy appointment my therapist told me that she is going on vacation at the end of next week and will be gone for two weeks. I have only been seeing her every two weeks so my next appointment should be right in the middle of when she is gone. I was hoping the would say that I could come in next week for an appointment to make it not so long until I see her again but she didnt. She said that I could call her between now and then if I needed to talk to her about anything, if I had any questions or if I wanted to role play any conversations that I need to have with my P. But once she leaves the office on a week from Friday I will have no communication with her while she is on vacation. So basically I wont be talking to her for the next month. This sucks that with everything going on in my life that two of my T's are unavailable right now and one has a long time until I see him.

Right now I am dealing with a lot of family stuff with a sister who still wont talk to me, my daughter who is still acting out because of the sexual abuse from her cousin about a month a go and then my taking my 6 month old back and forth to the doctors for different issues only to end up at the cardiologist today and finding out that she has a certain type of hole in her heart that they cant treat until she is older.

This is not a good time for them to all be going away like this!