Oh my darling Beebs, you've heard the old saying, "be careful what you wish for" ... I know you read my post about my panic attacks and let me tell you, fear is no fun. On the other hand, it can, if it doesn't paralyze you, make you fight for something, huh? The fight or flight response?

It sounds to me that you are a bit disconnected from your emotions. I can very calmly like you describe what I'm thinking and maybe what I'm feeling but I don't feel like I feel what I'm feeling. I certainly don't get emotional about it. And people describe me the same way, very laid back ... when inside I'm screaming. It's all very bizarre. I do think that by my T ignoring my needs last month led me to feel that fear (or anger of unmet needs??? where is AG when we need her) , which has propelled me to be assertive????? I'm guessing you need something similar to happen to you? Which is why your T is frustrating you so much? The thing I don't get about these T's is how do they know how far to push us? My T was really holding out on me and I felt like I was walking on broken glass and it was all around me and he's saying, it's going to get better but he's not telling me how and when and where. I just have to guess. But if I step this way, it hurts and that way, it hurts.

So what kind of rehearsal do you have to direct? I'm with you beebs on the leader thing. Every personality test I take, I score at the way bottom for leadership and the way top for nurturing. All the others are balanced. I can nurture anyday but lead? No way. Not that I don't admire someone who can. Well, what about giving it a shot???? Is there someone else that you're afraid might take over if they see you stumbling? That's what I would be afraid of. That everyone would see that I'm nervous and afraid and someone would rush over to take over. Of course, I'd probably be happy with that. But also a little mad.

What happened in the email fight with T?

I think I am actually afraid of fear, if that makes any sense...but idk. I don't want to self-diagnose because I can think I have every neurotic problem under the sun, and maybe T is right and all is perfectly normal and ok with me it's just that I never realize it.

yeah, someone else will inevitable take over for me. The only reason that is problematic is that I really am the person who knows the material the best and is able to make the neccessary adjustments, if I could just do it. But I do not do *in charge.* Never, nope, nuh-uh, even though weirdly I 'm a person who people seem to automatically look to in that capacity in my RL. It's so strange. But I don't/won't deliver leadership, even when I am the logical one to give it. I don't know who I am. Sometimes I feel like I am two completely different people. So you are a nurturerm hey? Well, I can't take personality tests, because I never know the answers...seriously.

My T and I had an argument about this whole break thing, after which he told me he does not want to discuss things by email anymore, to which I responded "fine- keep changing the rules, I don't care." I know I should feel nervous about making a snarky comment like that to my T, but I just feel like "ah, who cares, he's seen it all, who am I to him anyway- nobody, just another client, it doesn't matter, it's not real..." So I suppose I will either pretend to be angry to make my T happy- (no I won't) try to work myself up, or actually feel angry, but *feel* like I'm pretending to be angry the whole time- or I will just be me and not really care, have no ideas what to say- which never goes very well, since when I am that way I get punished. We just have a really non-productive and yucky session where I feel worse and more misunderstood and judged than anything else, and he just sits there feeling really dangerous. It's actually one thought that frightens me a bit.

BB

Hi BB,

I know that feeling soooo well...I had many sessions following interaction with T outside of therapy that left me feeling hurt but if it is one thing I learnt it was that everytime I would go to the following session I felt reassured about everything that had happened during the week between us so it was well worth it.

I can also relate to not feeling emotions that I think I should be feeling and for me I think it is because somehow I am protecting myself from feeling bad or I am not ready to be feeling those things at that particular time, however it is still extremely frustrating and quite scary. I am not saying that is how it is for you as I really don't know but it does sound like you are have alot on your plate what with the emails with your T which if you're anything like me is a very big thing and also taking on a role that you wouldn't normally undertake...maybe you are doing what you need to to get through this as otherwise the fear itself would be too overwheming.

You say your T has kind of dismissed the topic of fear and I also wonder if you are unconsciously shutting out your fear in order to keep in line with him...I could be way off base here so please ignore me if I am talking rubbish. I know I am wondering alot so take everything I say with a pinch of salt. I really do know what it is like not to be able to feel and I really hope that everything goes well with directing and with your session.

(((BB)))

Butterfly

quote:

it does sound like you are have alot on your plate what with the emails with your T which if you're anything like me is a very big thing and also taking on a role that you wouldn't normally undertake...maybe you are doing what you need to to get through this as otherwise the fear itself would be too overwheming.

I think it's this...I just tend to hugely down play the significance of stuff, maybe? Like, maybe it really IS significant that my T and I had this email exchange, and I just didn't realize emotionally how significant it was, or the emotions around it are under there but kind of inaccessible for some reason. I think if I felt, I would feel fear, again, at what I have done...but I don't feel anything except..."ah, no biggie, who cares..." But I don't *want* to be a "who cares" kind of person...I really don't! What if the reason T dismisses all of this stuff, is because he secretly thinks that I am just a person who doesn't give a shit about anything, and that's the way I am and it can't be changed? He ven said something like that once, long ago, I never forgot it- "Well, we can't change your basic personality you know" in regards to feeling like I just don't care about anything. Ohhh, help.

BB

I think I hate my T today. Wow- what a revelation! It can't be true.

(((BB)))

BB take a deep breath. I would say that the emotions are there you are just not able to access them at the moment...but with time you will. BB there is no way that you are a 'who cares' kind of person...I mean look at your posts on this thread, even though you can't feel it is obvious that you care about the reasons behind this.
As for what your T thinks, I am sure he isnt thinking that is the way you are and that you can't be changed...I am sure he wants to help and it sounds like it may be helpful to bring up your fears around this and his reactions with him. Your basic personality and the way you are feeling now are two very different things.

BB, you are a really caring lovely person...please remember that next time you are being so hard on yourself as a person.

Butterfly

Hi BB,

I'm so sorry it was rough with your T and the email issue. As to: you just don't care. That isn't true, you are trying so hard so get better and be able to cope with everything. If you didn't care you wouldn't be feeling like this!

But it also shows you do care about so many others on this board with your uplifting comments to others, and even with your own family!

I hope you start feeling better and can work it out with your T.

Love & hugs to you! ((((((((BB))))))))

Aww...((((((((((((((Beebs)))))))))))))))))...I am so sorry to hear of the email fight between you and your T...I wonder if he took your comment as hard as you think he might have...I hope you find out tomorrow that he didn't take it as hard as it seems...usually I think what I say sounds much harsher than others take it...I wonder if it's the same for you?

I hope you get some answers in your appointment tomorrow...like why he doesn't want to discuss things in email anymore...my guess is because there is so much possibility for miscommunication in emails, simply because of the nature of email itself, so much that doesn't come through, so much that gets missed...and he just wants to make sure the two of you are connecting as much as possible...which means he really, really cares about the relationship with you...which is a good sign, right?

And FWIW, I didn't think your comment was very "snarky" at all...even though you may have felt extremely snarky when you said it...I would hope your T has thicker skin than to take it very personally...and actually, in a way, your snarky feelings may very well kind of support his decision to limit the emails...because he doesn't want you to feel so frustrated by miscommunication that you start feeling snarky...does that make sense?

BeeBee, I just really can't see how your T could feel anything but care and concern and even love for you, even in your so-called "snarkiness"...I suspect from his concerns that you ARE in fact "somebody" to him and that you are, in fact, "real" to him. I hope you are able to really be "you" in your session tomorrow...and I hope your T provides a "safe" place for you to do that...I very much hope he does NOT just "sit there" and "feel dangerous" (yikes...I could not deal with that ) and I most definitely hope you do NOT get "punished" for being real and being you...that should not happen, ever ever ever, BeeBee...maybe it is true that you can't "change" your "basic personality" but then my next question would be, why would you ever want to anyway...heal what is hurt, yes of course, but why change the fundamental "you-ness" that is you? You are beautiful...and a little "snarkiness" here or there doesn't even touch that...not even if you allowed yourself to get really really angry at him...you are still beautiful and still you...does that make sense?

Beebs I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome...many hugs to you (((((((((BeeBee))))))))))

Love,
SG

BB,

Running short on time here, so I just wanted to give you a big hug for your big day ahead. If you are feeling 'disconnected', that might be an okay thing - it might be exactly what you need to get you through it.

I wanted to add a couple of practical 'tips' to DF's excellent one below to help you get through your leading situation.

quote:

if you need to get everyone's attention, for example... why try to raise your voice over a bunch of people when you can ask a willing loud mouth to ask everyone to quiet down?

Yes, good idea. Also, when you want everyone to shut up, you might just raise both your arms - or even one arm in the air and keep it/them there as you look around the room. You can smile at the people you know as you do that if you want - everyone will get the idea and quiet down. Don't try to talk before they quiet down.

Also, when you begin to talk, start by asking if people can hear you at the back. Lift your voice until they can. Relaxing your torso muscles and breathing deeply will help with this. Don't try to rush - you might feel like you want to get it all over with as quickly as possible, but if you take your time to breath, talk slowly and think about what you're saying, people will understand you a whole lot more and things will go smoother.

quote:

I think I hate my T today. Wow- what a revelation! It can't be true.

You might be shocked, BB, but I'm proud of you for having this feeling. I think the roots of this feeling are intense anger. I think it is so, so important that you are feeling this now, and actually a sign of great progress with your T that you are now safe enough to feel this.

love,
J

HI BB,

Good luck tomorrow. Will be thinking of you. It'll just be you and your T. And, I know I want to be able to access my emotions too and it's so frustrating that I can't. Just want to add that I used to think my T didn't care about my emotions - but honestly I never asked him. Then, one day I had an epiphany: no one is going to care about my emotions unless I care about my emotions. And the more seriously I took myself (or take myself) the better things seem to get between T and me and the harder I work on my life to make it MY LIFE, right? The life I want. I don't know if any of this resonates with you so FWIW. Good luck tomorrow. I'll be checking in to see how things went.

Beebs just want to wish you good luck tomorrow and know that I am thinking of you. You will be fine... just be you and don't forget to breathe.

Hugs
TN

ohhh, thank you everyone- oops I feel guilty like I should be honest with everyone who has been so helpful to me, because I'm just feeling bad like I must've made myself look something different than I am, and tell you, oops- that I only had to lead a tiny group and that was still really scary. All I had to do was sing louder than normal and make a couple of quiet suggestions, I found that ok, it wasn't too bad...ohh, but I would die if I had a big group to lead! I used to have to do that a bit and it was nearly going tokill me so I stopped. I do not know how you guys can do it! Thank you sooo much for the support!

I will tell you how it goes for tomorrow with T, and with the other thing, eek...

Thanks for all the good luck, and well wishes!

Love,xx,

Beebs

Sing, Blackbird, sing...

((((BB))))

I only have a moment but just wanted to say that I agree w Butterfly - I don't think you are a "whatever" kind of person at all.

I'm so sorry it's so hard to connect and feel stuff. That is really hard.

I think you are more of a leader than you think. Just by example and just by being just you, just as you are - even when you are feeling disconnected.

I'm hoping and praying this morning goes well.

BB

Thoughts for you for today, these things can feel really daunting when you're not used to doing them. I thought Jines' suggestions were really helpful too. My son many years ago had the most amazing nursery teacher, she never ever raised her voice, yet all the children adored her and behaved. I asked her once how she managed it and she said 'if I speak really softly, then the children have to be quiet to listen to me. If I shout, they will undoubtedly follow suit and learn to shout too.'

And BB You know you are a leader in your own little way, you stick up for what you believe in and that's a great leadership quality

Sorry to hear about your difficulties with your T - hope that you can work things through there too. It's really unsettling when that happens (((Beebers)))

starfishy

Thank you all so much for support well wishes and prayers...I had a remarkable session...truly remarkable. I have managed to assert myself with him a teensy bit. I started off feeling really disconnected and confused about what I should talk about, a little disgruntled with my T, sitting there looking all glorious and angelic in his wonderful sweater. T tried to get me talk a bit about our email exchange gone wrong, but I just didn't really care about that stuff at that point, I felt that I was annoyed and concerned at the time but what had annoyed me had past I guess, especially the moment I saw him sitting there not looking in the least angry at me! So I hemed and hawed a bit, T being more helpful than usual with the introducing of topics...finally he said that *he* wants to talk about that I seem to feel that I'm not getting enough out of the counseling. He mentioned that he thinks it's because of the electronic medium, that it may not work for me, etc. I was feeling really sad, just awful, I thought "this is it, this is goodbye." I told him that I think it would be the same with anyone, even in RL, because I experience a lot of the same problems in SD which is real life, only they don't really bother me as much because there is not as much of an attachment. I was having all kinds of thoughts that I found too difficult to share with him, about how much easier counseling would be without the transference.

Then something happened- my T asked how stuff is going with my marriage, I said good I'm still trying to have these discussions about how I'm feeling with my H and he is listening really nicely, etc. Something isn't sitting right with me inside, so instead of just going along with what T was trying to get out, I just said "I don't trust him" about my H. T said a few things, trying to understand or interpret the siuation, which I normally would have just gone along with...but...***drum roll*** I didn't go along with what he said....for some reason something in me just reared up and said no, it's not like that, it's really like this, and I really need to talk about it, will you help me? I was actually pretty firm about what I needed to look at, come to think of it! And T really heard me, and yes, he will help me on this problem, that is a really scary one, I'm thinking- it seems to be at the root of so many of my problems.
I'm not going to go into any detail about the issue we will be looking at, because it's really something that I just need my T for, it's really tough, confusing stuff for me. But, I actually kept it where I really needed it to be, and to go, and T is cool with that. All those times I felt so dismissed, well, I think it was actually just dismissing myself, and my own concerns..in favour of what others think or what I've heard.

So, this morning I'm feeling kind of plugged in in some way. I'm feeling that same special connection to my T that I used to have back in the beginning of therapy, when I would trust him so much right away. I'm feeling kind of real. um, how can I explain it...I am having some real feelings. Grateful, real kind of tender connected feelings about my T, and hoping they are ok to feel- also, kind of feeling hopeful, and relieved- like T is going to remember this conversation we had about this issue, and there is no going back now, because now it's out there. I'm trusting myself that this issues is as important as it feels, that it is really central. I think the answer to everything lies inside this problem, and behind and around it, probably. I'm learning how to talk to my T.

Now if I can get through the function tonight still standing...then I will be ok! I have to wait almost 3 weeks now to talk to my T again, and now I know for sure that I do not want to take any break, but I feel good about the work we are going to try and do, and I feel good that he's the one to help me do it. gosh, there isn't any way to describe it...I feel like I've embarked...***possibly triggery bit**** but the weirdest thing, is that I woke up with the same debilitating body pains that I had at beginning of therapy so long ago, and that is quite a strange thing. It really feels like I am being physically crushed or my ribs are being broken, if I am honest. I have no emotions associated with this feeling it's just a sensation, it leaves me gasping for breath. I wonder if it's just coincidence and it's some kind of physical problem, or if they are associated with some kind of blocked memory or something like that. I was having these pains during my session, just a bit, but now they have got so bad that I can barely move around. I feel like all my ribs are broken on one side. I'm confused by that.

So that is my update..

Love, hugs,

Beebers

yay!!! so glad it went well!!! you rock

so sorry about the pain at night - it is interesting...

gotta run, but just wanted to say yay!!!

I am so glad to hear it went so well and you were able to say what you needed to talk about!! That is great!

Good luck tonight and I hope you feel better!

Hey Beebs,

I haven't posted yet, but I've definitely been following along, and I'm so glad to hear how well your session went. Congrats on being brave enough to say what you want and need to talk about - that's a huge thing!! I am, however, sorry to hear that you are in pain. Have you ever talked to your T about that? And I know you've probably mentioned this before, but I've forgotten - but why do you always have to wait so long in between sessions? That's so tough having to go 3 weeks, especially after such a productive session.

Congrats, Beebs!

Thanks, JD, STRMS...I appreciate all your support.

Thanks Kashley, too, I actually had to send something to my T to read because of our session, and I told him about that pain for the first time, so at least, he knows, but I think it is most likely just a coincidental thing, still for soem reason I really wanted to just tell him.

Yeah I have to wait 2-3 week between, it used to be a month, but we try closer together now. I think he's just booked up all the time, aslo we are not able to really afford this as it is but just doing counseling as a neccessity, really, since I simply have to get to a better place if our lives are going to improve. You know the saying if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!
I wish so much that I could see him weekly. Oh well, them's the breaks.

bfn,

BB

Well, it's been a few days since my session, and I almost immediately started to doubt what we talked about as "real" or "believable." It has to do with my marriage and just not feeling real, feeling like life has passed me by without being at all engaged in it- my T really believed me, and I believed everything I was saying at the time, but now it feels worng and false- like something I just made up. Still I can remember that convinced feeling I had- and I'm trying really hard to hang onto that, since it gave me a very brief sense of connection with my T and with myself, too.

I have to wait now...I just think I will shut the whole thing down in three weeks. idk...wish I could talk to my T, it's like being stuck in the mud but you have to get enough momentum in order to get unstuck...so I just stay stuck? idk. Wish I could see him more often or at least have email contact. Even though I *know* it's not awesome to to email, still it keeps me at least in touch with him, he's like my only contact with...er...myself, or my own reality. sometimes..when it's working. Wish I could just hear from him.

BB

BB,

I'm sorry if I missed this, but did you and T work out the email problems in your session?

Of course it was real. It's just that the other stuff gets in the way really fast. Maybe as time goes on, you'll find that you can feel better longer in between sessions. I've read on other threads about the T's helping us feel grounded when we are with them. Do you know what I'm talking about? I can't explain it as well as some of the others can.

quote:

Well, it's been a few days since my session, and I almost immediately started to doubt what we talked about as "real" or "believable." It has to do with my marriage and just not feeling real, feeling like life has passed me by without being at all engaged in it- my T really believed me, and I believed everything I was saying at the time, but now it feels worng and false- like something I just made up. Still I can remember that convinced feeling I had- and I'm trying really hard to hang onto that, since it gave me a very brief sense of connection with my T and with myself, too.

Beebs, I could have written that when I was seeing and working with oldT. I would feel so connected at a session and feel good when I left and was able to hold onto it for a bit. I would feel warm and snuggly, like he was holding me in some way... but then ... click and it would disappear and I would be left feeling "wrong". And that is so darn hard to explain.

I wrote a journal entry in June of this year talking about the same things you have written above. About feeling wrong and unreal. Like everything I did was wrong, how I looked was wrong, how I dressed was wrong... I was just all wrong and then I would go into the part about it being too late for me. That I was too old and life had passed me by... all the opportunties for building self-esteem and finding a career that would be fulfilling to me were all gone and it was too late. I took the chance and read this journal entry to my oldT. I wrote that it was hard to tell him all of this because I did not want him to be disappointed in me.

He listened and then stood up and asked me "I suppose it would be hard for you to lose me". That was the beginning of the end of my therapy. So you see, now I feel horrible shame in that I told him this. That it was wrong to be so open and honest and that just adds to my fears now about ever talking to newT about these things... the feeling wrong and it being too late for me.

I would suppose... in my left logical brain way... that his may be common in trauma survivors but I'm not sure. Hearing you say this brings me comfort (although I'm not happy that you have to also suffer from these feelings) but at least I know I'm not so alone or so strange.

But Beebs... just try to focus on that good feeling you had from this session. That connected feeling and the empowerment you felt in telling T things that were new and in standing up for your own feelings. That was huge and you should be proud that you did that. You are really progressing.

Sending good thoughts that you are doing okay.

TN

quote:

just not feeling real, feeling like life has passed me by without being at all engaged in it- my T really believed me, and I believed everything I was saying at the time, but now it feels worng and false- like something I just made up. Still I can remember that convinced feeling I had

Oh, BB. I really, really, REALLY know that feeling. I've told T that I feel like I've cheated myself out of experiencing my life so far, because I'm NOT experiencing it. I also asked my T once, do you believe what I say in here? Because I find myself saying things, and I don't know if I really believe anything that's coming out of my mouth. She said that she believes everything I say and that if I can't believe it for myself, then it's okay (for now) to rely on her believing in my words to give them truth. And it actually has helped a tiny, tiny minuscule amount. Because I really don't believe or trust myself, but if I can remember that my T believes what I say, then maybe it isn't something I'm making up. Now, I find every possible way around that and quite often still end up thinking that nothing I say is real, but I think the main thing that has helped me in trying to get through this is that my T knows how much I don't believe myself. I guess it feels more like complete disclosure about me and my imagination, so that she can judge what she deems to be true. Does that make sense?

I know that I mostly described not believing things I'm saying as I'm saying them, but I also have said things and completely believed them - sort of like a lightbulb moment - but after my session, those moments fade and I think that maybe I made something ELSE up in the chain of events that led to my "epiphany". T knows this too, and - again - it helps to know she understands that I probably won't retain much that I may have figured out in a session.

I'm sorry you have to wait so long when you're dealing with this doubt. I don't know about you, but I find that it drives me crazy, because I don't know what's real. Is it not possible to just send your T a brief email, telling him what you're experiencing? It seems like just letting him know may bring some measure of relief for the time being - although I could be completely wrong.

In the meantime, keep posting if it helps you!! (((((Beebs)))))

thanks guys...
Liese, I appreciate your reply. I didn't work out the email question, though. When it comes to talking about stuff between us, that is where I really balk, I'm realizing. NOT good at handling relationship stuff in a straighforward way. So no, even though T was like "are you mad at me, you seemed angy, siad I was changing the rules..." I was just like, oh, erm, ah...yeh, whatever." I've never really understood what that term "grounded" means in T? That and "contained" is another phrase I am not familiar with, what it looks like, how they do it, how it feels. Hm. I would love any explanation anybody may want to give..

TN, I'm sorry that you understand those feelings, too. It's a difficult place to be in, isn't it? I'm finding it difficult to separate the good feelings of connectedness and self=trust, and trust in my T- in my session- to feelings of simple attraction to my T. It's those little girl feelings, of wanting to be special to him, wanting to belong to him, well, I get confused about are *those* the core of feeling connected, or are those the feelings that are getting in the way of my therapy? It is SO confusing. I feel good when I think about my T, the way he looks and imagine his face, his smile and so on...but a large part of me does *not* think that is ok. The only person who I would be able to assimilate and take in his answer on this would be...you guessed it, my T. It puts me into a bit of a pickle. Thank you for the good thoughts and encouragement, TN. Your reply really lifted me up, just to feel a little more "real" again for a few moments, that my feelings are worth listening to and trusting? Something like that. I just remembered that my T said something that felt really good to me, but I can also see the flip side of it. He said "For what it's wroth, I do notbeleive for one minute that you are getting worse because of the therapy. It must be other things in your life." Gosh that felt somehow really validating, and it's what opened up this whole discussion, as I remember. I'm trying to hang onto it, but it's pretty much gone, and I'm left with this image of my T sitting there looking wonderfully strong and affirming, which is nice, but still...is it ok? I keep remembering little phrases from out session, but most of it is gone, and that makes me really sad. I can't understand why I forget it, since T did keep mentioning that "you seem very present today, it's like you are right there." What does that mean? I assumed it meant I wouldn't forget the session, but I did. arrrgh.

Kashley, I'm sorry:

quote:

I know that I mostly described not believing things I'm saying as I'm saying them, but I also have said things and completely believed them - sort of like a lightbulb moment - but after my session, those moments fade and I think that maybe I made something ELSE up in the chain of events that led to my "epiphany". T knows this too, and - again - it helps to know she understands that I probably won't retain much that I may have figured out in a session.

You've put it into words really well here, and that is alos something to hang onto for the moment. I thank you. Something my SD does, which is hugely helpful, is to start sessions by asking a question or two. Usually I panic about the "correct" answer, which he, like your T seems to understand. The he will say.."it's ok, you don't have to say everything exactly the way it is, if it's wrong, or not that way after all, we'll go back and fix it up as we go along...but just say something, anything, and then we'll have a starting place." I LOVE, this, it really releases all my anxiety and helps me speak, just to know, the he knows, that what I say may not be all that accurate or even true. I wish my T understood this, too, because I have a feeling that from him it would be all the more powerful, since my T kind of accepts all of me, unlike my SD (for lack of a better way to explain it) and also I have the attachment with my T.

BB

Oh, and I want to apologize for not responding individually to everyone before, who posted...I was more pushed for time, not that it's a great excuse, but hope it explains.

thanks, DF...you are always so helpful and reassuring. thanks to everyone, each one of you who's helped me so much. Yes your descriptions of those terms really described them well for me. I think I felt a bit "grounded" this past session, but I do not think it was something my T did, to make me that way? Gosh, idk, I feel like I'm floating away and I just struggle as much as I can to come to some kind of connectedness to my T, in order not to feel that hellish place of abandonment. That's kind of how it has started to play out for me. I pray a lot before sessions, because I can't stand that feeling of being cut off from my T and abandoned by him in sessions. It's awful. The prayer has helped a lot, also I hold onto a small crucifix in case it happens, so I can not feel so alone. I don't really think my T is that into doing much of anything to manipulate the situation...I get the feeling that he lets things unfold however they are going to without any interference. Like, he's there if I need him, but if I cut loose for some reason, it seems like most of the time he'll just watch me float away (with an understanding look on his face) I guess it makes me feel really abandoned and left behind, and I have come to the point where I will do *anything* to avoid that feeling, so my only option is to stay with him, somehow, if I can. This always gives me a really lonely and sad feeling, for some reason. Like he doesn't care to help me? Like I'm "unwanted" by him, something...I don't know. (of course I'm unwanted by him...argh!) It's like it's all on me to make sessions work or not. It's hard. Triggery, too, I guess. My life in a nutshell. Maybe that's the whole reason why I don't stay present a lot of the time. That feeling of not being wanted, anyway. At least my T is sympathetic with my feelings about all of that, in some mysterious way, even though I don't really speak about...he seems to kind of just "get it" intuitively. Or, maybe that's my imagination...whishful thinking. Who knows. ooo, I just remembered something- last time I told him his clock was bugging me, and I asked him if he puts it right next to the microphone on purpose to bug me, it's just this reeeally loud ticktockticktock all during the session, and he gave me his kindest smile, laughing a bit- and said "you should be reflecting on what I am saying, what we are talking about, not the clock.." He just seemed to relly like that I spoke up about it, though, and find it kind of funny, in a good way. Even though it might sound bad to some people, I really, really liked hiw resonse at least emotionally, because I like it so much when my T finally gives me some instructions on something, anything! And because he smiled at me. Such a genuine smile.

quote:

I just LOVE how your T starts sessions so reassuringly, that gave me goosebumps. So sweet... I think I would just sit there and swoon and say.. could you repeat that, T?

I love it too. But it's unfortunatley my spiritual director and not my T who starts sessions that way, and yes, it is wonderfully reassuring...talk about being "grounded and contained?" I think that's it right there, I guess. I'm able to let my anxiety go, and speak more freely after that. I wish my T would give me permission to screw up like that, well I guess he does in other ways. I guess I must be trying to find ways to be angry at my T today and not think about all the good things he does for me- since thinking about him is hurting so much, it would be good if I could just move on to other things.

I've really fallen behind on the other threads lately, I just haven't had time, which is probably a good thing in some ways, for my life, but bad in that I don't know what's happening for everyone- so I apologize to anyone reading whom I have not responded to yet.

bigs hugs, DF... and anyone else who might be left standing after all my massive posts.

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