(((Nannabee))) Thanks for the support and reassurances. I know my T will find some way to make it work, although it will mean, probably, cutting our sessions in half. And I will just have to find a way to deal with that if it's the case. If I have to pay for my sessions and H's out of pocket, it will be an extra $1000 a month right now.
And that's even with him not charging extra for the fact that he gives me doubles.
(((Draggers))) I know my T will make it so I can stay with him, but when we talked about it before, it meant majorly cutting down. I know I can do it if I dissociate myself into oblivion, but that's kind of the opposite of what we're trying to do. Then, of course, I get angry that I can't find a middle ground to just be OK with one a weeks while working through this stuff. I will tell him on Friday. He feels so bad about our sessions being cut short and his lack of focus the last two weeks, so his idea was to do an early Friday, if I can find a sitter, when he is still not worn down yet and can be his usual energetic, goofy, attentive self.
I am thinking of doing an inpatient before this insurance expires, because the consumer health plan thingee, if I understand correctly, basically is like a big account full of your money and your employer's money and you pay full price for everything (e.g. like $250 for a well-check visit for your kid) and then once you run out, you pay entirely out of pocket...maybe I am understanding that wrong. So, obviously, inpatient costing thousands of dollars wouldn't be a good idea on a plan like that. Yeah, leaving Boo would be horrible, but I think one of my biggest fears is that my family, who is all local, will "find out" about it, and then the anger for me hiding it from them and the weird treatment that I don't feel safe getting from them to try to be "supportive" when they are not safe or too flakey to do so, and then the invalidation of what happened to me being bad enough for me to be so unstable. Aww, I'm sorry that you worry. The thing about my crises is they are so intense, but they go away so quickly, so it's hard to know when it has been bad enough for long enough that I ought to go. I am always worried about whatever action I take being "justified," and it never feels like it is.
(((Monte))) Thanks so much. You made me laugh out loud. Yeah, as my T says, "In the end, we always choose to do it..." (like me staying, or me taking advantage of something he offered that I really need, or me talking about something that I'm terrified about). So he tries to get me to skip the part where I torture myself about making the decision that needs to be made, because maybe if I suffer enough for it, I won't be punished for needing.
As I said above, before he has said we probably could not meet the same number of sessions we are now, just because he would need to take on another client (financially), but he has told me outright that we would still meet at least once a week and he wouldn't let me have to start over just because of finances.
The crazy thing? My fear right now is all around losing my GP potentially. I'm not really that close with her, but I know she's safe. She asks questions and really takes the time to listen, never rushes me out. If I go in for Boo and also have a question about me, she takes the time with me as well. The other day, I was in Boo's well-check and describing how my H has been sick and I am getting so worn down from weeks of taking care of everyone and not sleeping well and she just put her hand on the back of my shoulder and it felt...just nice. Usually a woman doing something like that makes me go out of my mind anxious until I dissociate, but I realized how comfortable I feel with her. Then, six days later, that relationship is threatened. It's almost like the universe is saying, "How dare you feel safe!"
The biggest fear of all is just that, no matter what we do, insurance is going to cost us a lot more next year, because I have chronic mental health issues and H has chronic health issues (apnea) that will make these other plans much more expensive. We're losing our condo already and the budget I have with increased taxes doesn't have much wiggle room with how much rents are around here. If I don't get disability or start working and insurance costs go up even a couple hundred a month, we're in big trouble.
And once again, I feel like my issues, my therapy costs and not being able to work right now, are responsible.
It just...sucks. I'm drowning in shame over it.
Anyway, sorry for whining so much about it. I just guess I need somewhere safe to put it for now. I texted my pastor to see if he could just meet for coffee or lunch and just talk and pray about it. See? I have to remember that two years ago, I would never have told anyone. I would have just dissociated to deal with something that was overwhelming me. I had no other strategy. I had no ability to determine whether someone was safe enough to support me. I had no sense of value of myself to feel like someone might want to, be willing to, do that. I'm making progress. I just hope I can continue to do so, no matter what ends up happening.
I fully respect his right to not do that.
. Good to hear you're getting some financial help too.